Sex

Quickie

Anonymous - 11/02/2024 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, when my boyfriend came over he was on his phone. We spent about 15 minutes together before having sex, then he made a phone call and said he had to leave. I could hear him from my window apologising to his coworker because he “just had to do something real quick but was now free to talk again.” FML

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Gimme the D

Anonymous - 07/02/2024 11:00 - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, but he kept falling asleep while I was giving him a handjob. Ugh, no sex. FML

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GTFO dude

Outta shape - 06/02/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, my husband is leaving me for another woman because, and I quote, “She can ride dick longer than two minutes and doesn’t have two chins looking down on me while doing it.” FML

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Cranking it

why - 03/02/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, I saw my best friend's car in the parking lot of the store, so I ran over to say hi, since I'm secretly in love with him. I saw him and his girlfriend getting nasty in the back. I'm now at home, crying and masturbating. FML

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Old fashioned

Anonymous - 02/02/2024 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my mom my boyfriend started an argument because I’ve not been feeling well, so I haven’t cooked or wanted sex for a week or so. My dad piped up that if mom used such a lame excuse to avoid blowjobs and cooking, he’d damn we’ll start an argument too. Mom agreed with him. FML

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Betrayal stings

Anonymous - 01/02/2024 14:00 - United States - Miami

Today, I found out my baby momma has been building a whole relationship with my cousin. They escalated to wanting to sleep with each other. We have a two year-old. FML

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So frustrating!

Anonymous - 27/01/2024 14:00 - United States - Queens

Today, for the third night in a row, I got cockblocked by my 10 month-old not sleeping. FML

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Give it to me baby!

Anonymous - 26/01/2024 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend is so terrified of having a baby that he won’t screw me, even though I’m on the pill and we have condoms. He gets so worked up, he usually goes soft before we get the condom on. His oral game is on point but I just want a good hard dicking, is that too much to ask? FML

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Impressive dating technique

Anonymous - 23/01/2024 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I took a girl on a date. This girl is tiny, about 4 ft 10 and petite. She ordered a 16 inch pizza, garlic bread, wings, fries, and multiple drinks, and damn if she didn’t eat every bite of it, it was impressive. Until we were screwing later and she vomited the whole meal down my chest. FML

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Yummy

Anonymous - 22/01/2024 20:00 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend brought home some expensive ice cream and we licked it off of each other. It was fun until we learned that dried ice cream on skin smells almost exactly like puke. FML

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Stiff upper lip

Anonymous - 21/01/2024 14:00 - United States - Collegeville

Today, I saw my brother for the first time since he needed to get half of his foot amputated. When I asked how he was adjusting, he proudly informed me that it hasn’t had any negative effects on his sex life. Not at all what I was referring to, but thanks for the info, I guess. FML

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The heat of the moment

ImSorry - 18/01/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, I found out I’m gonna be a father. One day, I accidentally walked in on my sister-in-law changing. For some reason I’ll never understand, we ended up having a quickie doggystyle and swore to not talk about it ever again. She’s now 6 weeks pregnant. I’m a dead man if my wife finds out. FML

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He got game

Facepalm - 17/01/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband, who lost 250 pounds and has never been healthier, that no, he does not get a pass to sleep around to "make up" for all the sex he missed when he was young and fat. FML

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Super villain origin story

... - 13/01/2024 13:00 - United States - Dallas

Today, I’m 9 months pregnant, and my due date is less than a week away. The dad? Some random guy whose name I don’t know who fucked me in a tent at Coachella while I was drunk of my ass. FML

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Forbidden thoughts

Everything Counts - 12/01/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, my thoughts are filled with fantasies of pleasuring my boss under his desk, to the point where it distracts me from job duties. I take a break and wank at work, and then I return to my normal way of thinking and how much I love my wife and how happy I am. Lust really can blind someone to what is important. FML

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A change is as good as rest

Anonymous - 12/01/2024 10:00 - Sweden

Today, I had awesome sex with my ex. Again. I broke up with her a few weeks ago as she admittedly hadn't been attracted to me anymore in a long time. Now she says that after we broke up she doesn't feel any pressure anymore, and can enjoy sex with me again like she did before she moved in with me. FML

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Classic

Singleagain - 10/01/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, when I came home, my girlfriend was in sexy lingerie, and said it was a surprise for me. Sounds awesome, right? Too bad she was drenched in sweat and the room smelled like sex. I looked in the closet, only to get punched in the face by a naked guy. FML

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Self rated

Anonymous - 09/01/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, I realized my success rates for sex in my committed relationship were really, really low, so I've decided to stop trying for a while. I also recently have learned Excel. I made a pretty complex tracker if I ever decide to try again to monitor failures. FML

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****** around…

Anonymous - 08/01/2024 14:00 - United States - New Philadelphia

Today, I had unprotected sex with my 63 year-old friend. I’ve been told I would have trouble ever conceiving naturally. Now he’s worried I'm pregnant. It wouldn’t be so bad if his we weren’t both married. Here’s to hoping I’m not, and if so this baby comes out with brown eyes like mine and my husband's. FML

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Classic tale

Anonymous - 06/01/2024 21:00

Today, I literally caught my husband with his prick in another woman’s mouth and he had the nerve, the actual nerve, to tell me, "It’s not what it looks like, babe", all while trying to stuff his lipstick-coated knob back in his pants. CRETIN. IDIOT. CHEATING SCUM. FML

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My house, my rules

lordoftheweird - 06/01/2024 06:00 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, I had to make a house rule for my extended family who live with me: No more incestuous sex. FML

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Bodyshaming sausages

Anonymous - 05/01/2024 19:00

Today, I knew micropenises existed, I just never expected I’d see one in person after spending weeks building my anticipation of losing my virginity, getting naked in front of him, then being presented with half a cocktail sausage. Even if we had sex I think I’d still be a virgin. FML

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Hard times

Anonymous - 03/01/2024 03:00 - United States - Delmar

Today, I found out my husband of four years has been cheating on me with his boss, who had been kind and treated me well. I never suspected it until I caught them in OUR bed. All he would ever do was come home and complain about how hard his job was. I guess that wasn't the only thing that was hard. FML

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The policy of truth

Anonymous - 02/01/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, I'm ending a 35 year marriage. In the last few months, my husband has told me that he has been preferring porn to me since before we were married, he has had multiple affairs, he always knew his family was toxic and messing with me. Oh, and he wants us to, "Move on and have a happy retirement together." FML

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Reputable

Heartbroken Dad - 30/12/2023 14:00 - United States

Today, I found out why this reputable personal trainer resigned from our local gym. My wife started an affair with him and he thought it was better to quit so their relationship could be ethical. The worst part of all of this? Our 1.5 year old son is actually his and not mine. FML

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Piss poor excuse, dude

Anonymous - 27/12/2023 15:00 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 8 years is still cheating on me with the girl that he was caught sexting on my birthday back in July. His response was that if I didn't hang out with my friends on the weekends, he wouldn't have to find someone to entertain him all week. We live together. FML

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Let's get it on

Anonymous - 27/12/2023 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother-in-law berated me for not being pregnant yet, so I yelled at her that since she guilted us into letting her move into our house, she never goes out, our bedrooms share a wall, and she has the hearing of a bat, none of which helps me or my husband have any sexy time. It’s been 4 months FML

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Pineapple juice

Anonymous - 25/12/2023 18:00 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend when she said, "Babe, I'm not trying to be rude but your cum tastes horrible." I didn't know how to respond so I said, "Okay." Apparently, me saying that means i won't try to make my cum taste better, which I can "definitely do", and now she's mad at me. FML

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What's wrong with me?

Anonymous - 23/12/2023 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I was seeing told me he only wants to be friends. Every guy I've dated in the last 10 years has lost interest after we've had sex for the first time, and nobody will tell me why or what I did wrong. I'm going to die alone and I don't even know why. FML

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The secret

Anonymous - 20/12/2023 15:00 - United States

Today, my husband of 35 years told me he had an affair with his secretary in 1995, when I was home with 3 preschoolers. At the time, the phone system required that the secretary pick up, so I was saying hello to her like a fool. I had no idea at the time. He would just come home and tell me how hard his job was. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, my girlfriend texted me a screenshot of a bathing suit on a store’s website and asked for my opinion. I told her it wouldn’t look good. She then texted me a screenshot of me liking a picture of a friend on Facebook, wearing that same bathing suit, saying, “But on her it looks fine, right?” Fuck. FML

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Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim, and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier, I realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go, "Don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

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Today, after I made a new Snapchat account 3 days ago, I've already been blocked like 100 times for little reasons. I get blocked more than any normal person, even when doing nothing wrong. I wish people liked me. FML

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Today, a schoolmate I've always secretly hated came over to my place to hang out. She found her way to my room and instantly noticed my dartboard, which I'd taped a picture of her face onto. FML

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Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

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Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

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