Today, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’m seriously considering hiring a professional if you catch my drift. I try to put myself out there but I’m so self-conscious about my mastectomy scars that the thought of anyone seeing me naked sends me into a heaving sobbing anxiety attack. FML
Today, I was at the chiropractor's being examined. As we were finding all my problem areas, she said to me, “It’s almost like you spend a lot of time with all your weight on one shoulder while doing a repetitive twisting motion.” She just described mine and my wife’s favourite sex position. FML
Today, my date walked out on me after I told him I was devout in my beliefs, including saving myself until marriage. Apparently, meeting me at Sunday services didn’t twig him to my faith, and he actually thought religious girls were all secret sluts like in the pornos. FML
Today, my 80 year-old grandad is having more sex in his retirement home than I am as a married man. And by that I mean his care staff had to call me to say they found him having sex. That’s once this year, whereas I’ve not had sex with my wife in three years. I can’t afford to divorce her. FML
Today, I needed to ask my mom for something, so I went to her room without knocking and walked in on her and her boyfriend fucking. FML
Today, it's been a troubled day. Me and my girlfriend got into it because she believes that I stepped out on her, which I didn’t. I haven’t had sex in over 15 years. I'd gotten an STI from a ex, and had no idea that I had anything, so now I’m "nasty" according to her. FML
Today, I got home and saw my bed was made different and there was a wet spot on the sheets. It wasn’t until I sniffed it did I realise what it was. I’m now 99% certain my Mum and Dad had sex in my bed, and I'd sniffed their mixed up love juices. FML
Today, I saw my husband comment on a celebrity’s Instagram post that he would “eat her ass like a cupcake.” I’ve asked him to do the same to me once and he told me wasn’t into eating ass. So when I called him out on it, he replied, “Maybe if you did squats and worked out that pancake butt of yours, I would.” FML
Today, I was talking to my situationship when he dropped the bomb that he wanted to break up, and that he'd tested positive for chlamydia. FML
Today, I hooked up with a girl who had a total Nicki Minaj butt. She wanted me to do her doggy style, and the spirit was willing but the flesh wasn’t long enough to reach more than an inch inside, no matter how much we readjusted. We ended up switching to missionary, but neither of us were happy. FML
Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML
Today, I noticed my new boyfriend barely touches me casually, unless I initiate, and even then he’ll pull away fairly quickly. Apparently his dad told him about "fake rape accusations", even from women you’re dating, so he’s scared to touch me now. FML
Today, my husband is in the garden smashing a tree stump with a sledgehammer because our 22 year-old daughter brought her first serious boyfriend home. He’s my husband's boss, a man-whore who has been bragging about all the nasty stuff his new girlfriend does to him in bed, unaware of who her dad was. FML
Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me to lick her ass. I obliged, only for her to rip a rancid fart directly on my tongue. Its been two hours and I'm still nauseous. Apparently, this was revenge for my "badgering her" for anal sex. I'd mentioned that butt play is one of my kinks, and dropped it when she wasn't interested. FML
Today, I had sex with a guy on our third date. We'd just finished having sex and he was blatantly on Tinder right next to me in bed. I literally hadn’t moved yet and he still had a wet boner, and yet he was on Tinder looking for his next hookup. FML
Today, I accidentally called out the coworker I have a crush on’s name in bed instead of my wife’s. The thing is, thinking about her is the only thing that will keep me hard and brought to orgasm. FML
Today, I tried the "hold on tight to your thumbs in your fists" method during a deep throat, which is supposed to prevent you from throwing up. Well, it doesn’t work. I'd eaten ratatouille. FML
Today, my ex stuck it in the wrong hole because he couldn’t find the right one, then he sucked my toes. I'm never going near another man again after that. FML
Today, it’s my honeymoon. I waited patiently for a year and a half to have sex since I respected her “No sex before marriage” rule. However, my new wife has a new rule: “Sex is for procreation and I’m not ready to have children yet.” How much longer should I wait to make love to the one I love now? FML
Today, I auditioned for and got a part in a small independent film based on the Count of Monte Cristo. I knew ahead of time it was a low budget remake, but I was surprised to be warned there would be a few soft sex scenes. When I got there, it was blatantly a gay porn movie set in an old dungeon. FML
Today, the one time, THE ONE TIME, we ran out of condoms and had sex anyway, my girlfriend got pregnant, even though she’s on the pill. I didn’t even orgasm inside her, I had to do a Google search to learn that live sperm can emerge and go inside her even before I orgasm. We are so screwed. FML
Today, my girlfriend complained that we never have sex anymore. The only way she ever wants sex is missionary, with barely any foreplay. When I asked if we could spice things up and mentioned a few simple ideas, she said the conversation was making her uncomfortable and changed the subject. FML
Today, it seems that I won't be having sex for a while. I was Live Action Role Playing and got hit in the dick with a foam sword. The hit moved my armour enough for a padded arrow to get a direct hit on my right nut. FML
Today, an old flame reached out with some truly filthy intent. After burning with righteous indignation, I ended up sending back some embarrassingly submissive pictures. What is wrong with me? FML
Today, I started coming on to my girlfriend, only to get a nasty rejection. I told her I would just go jerk off, to which she replied, "Don't you dare!" FML
Today, I took Viagra so we could have sex at bedtime. We fell asleep afterwards, but I must've had a reaction to the Viagra as it was still erect this morning and must have been erect all night, way longer than 4 hours. I went straight to hospital as my penis was numb and pale blue. Help me. FML
Today, and ever since I've known her, my girlfriend easily falls asleep if she lies down. We decided to try bondage on our bed, but once laying down she fell asleep. I was the one tied up to the bed frame. When she woke up, I thought it would be funny to say I could stay two more hours like that. She took it seriously. FML
Today, my girlfriend met an old family friend who I used to hate. Their interaction was courteous, but included the jab that he'd lost a bunch of weight after High School, while I'd packed it on. That night during sex, she called me by his name. FML
Today, after nine years, I got back together with my first love, the man who taught me about sensuality and touch, and who no one could measure up to since. I guess this time I’ll have to do the teaching, because he has somehow forgotten even the basics of how to touch a woman. FML
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