Today, I spent an hour cleaning my already-clean house to avoid any form of conversation with my boyfriend. FML
Today, I miss the days when I was younger and my parents used to at least try to hide all the sex they were having. Now I’m all grown up, they just yell out not to come upstairs for at least 30 minutes, and they no longer even attempt to keep the noise down either. FML
Today, my stepmom accused me of creeping around, acting sneaky, and maybe even planning to kill her in her sleep because I’m "still angry at my dad divorcing my mom and marrying her." All I did was get up at 2 a.m. for a pee at coincidentally the same time as she was going outside for a cigarette. FML
Today, I realised I've become the background stoner character of any college movie, as I sat alone on my dorm's bed, wearing flannel over a Pac-Man shirt, and smoking weed out of a skull-shaped bong. Sorry, mom. FML
Today, I called my mom to let her know that my father, her ex-husband, suffered a series of mini strokes. Her reply was essentially, "Oh that sucks. Are you still taking your grandmother to lunch sometime this week?" Dad lives halfway across the country. FML
Today, I was under the impression that my kids would eventually grow out of wanting to watch me use the bathroom. Instead, my 7 year-old son attempted to pick the lock so he could watch me take a shit and make fun of me for it. FML
Today, my son actually tried to get out of being arrested by claiming he was “an agent” and unless they let him go, his employers “from the government” would come looking for him and there would be “consequences”. The officers eventually got their breath back from laughing at him. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who I’ve been madly in love with for 18 months, left me for some guy she met two weeks ago. I was planning to propose to her next week. FML
Today, I called complaints for my internet provider because, again, it's slowed to a crawl that would make dial-up laugh. They said that I live in a remote area, so maintenance is difficult. When I pointed out I only live ten minutes from the nearest city, they responded by saying they're my only option, so tough. FML
Today, I have never once been to the most popular club in our city, because the head bouncer is my high school bully and he’s still such a prick he won’t let me inside, and this does include him picking me up in my best clubbing clothes and throwing me into a puddle on the street. FML
Today, I’m now so unfit, I had to stop halfway through sex with my wife to catch my breath, and in the end we just gave up, as clearly neither of us was having an orgasm today. I don’t get it, I weigh exactly 11 stone and exercise regularly, but I have no stamina and shit lungs. I hate myself. FML
Today, I realized that I divorced my husband of 36 years and took up with a new man, just be in exactly the same situation I was in before. Will I never learn? FML
Today, I reluctantly went to a family get together. My nosy aunt decided to try to lecture me on why I should spank my kids. That’s great coming from a woman who was a teen mom, had kids with 3 different guys, and now has grown kids that hate her guts. Yeah I truly need lessons on how to be a mom. FML
Today, man do I feel old. For the first time ever, a teen thug with more acne spots than brain cells told me to, “Piss off grandad.” Grandad? Guess I look older than I feel. FML
Today, I have severe sun poisoning, a migraine, have been getting dehydrated no matter how much water I drink, and am on my period with horrible cramps. Yay summer! FML
Today, I'm stuck in a dead-end job with no future but can't quit as I have bills to pay. My manager is the most incompetent person I've ever worked for, and he has hired a bunch of his friends who are incompetent as fuck. The CEO doesn't seem to care as he just focuses on business and money. no one cares, and mediocracy is rewarded. FML
Today, and ever since I gave birth to my son, I’ve hated being a mom. I held him, waiting for the rush of love my mom told me I’d feel and… nothing, I was completely emotionless about holding my newborn son and it’s gotten worse. I really hate being a mom, and my husband just does not understand. FML
Today, my husband is sulking because our daughter's first boyfriend is a rugby-playing giant he can’t scare away with the standard father's threat of a good beating unless he treats our daughter well. I married a real idiot manchild. FML
Today, I washed my backpack. Unfortunately, I forgot to empty that ONE little pocket inside, so I also washed 5 bucks, a mirror, some tissues and a notepad. Now my backpack is full of mirror shards and thousands of tiny pieces of paper-fuzz. FML
Today, I found out that my partner of 2 years has been lying to me and cheating on me from the beginning of our relationship. The worst part is I don’t know how to confront him because I found out by going through his phone. FML
Today, I was laughing so hard at, of all things, a parody of a foul-mouthed Scottish Postman Pat on YouTube, that I shat myself a little bit at my in-laws' house. I’m now commando under my skirt, as I had to throw my shitty knickers into a doggy bag in my coat pocket. FML
Today, it's been 6 months since I last heard from my kid's mother. That's abandonment where I live. I don't know what to do. FML
Today, I got a letter from the IRS informing me that I owed a debt of $80 dollars from 4 years ago, and that it has now grown to over $800 dollars, and it's due this month. FML
Today, I visited my son at work and found his secretary in the foetal position under her desk, crying. According to my son, she does that sometimes when he yells at her for making basic mistakes. My god, I’ve raised a high-powered corporate monster. Fuck that poor girl's life and also, FML
Today, I just realized that my Sims character has a far more stable lifestyle than what I can ever have. FML
Today, I was listening to my favorite albums by the Prodigy. Most are from the '90s, with one from 2015. I caught myself thinking about how much better it is than what's out now. It was then that I realized that I AM the old curmudgeon who complains about "today's music." FML
Today, I learned that my "friend" told my other friends that I was homophobic, sexist, and racist. None of that is true and she's just trying to turn everyone against me for no reason. She has also apparently been talking BS behind my back. Worst part is I did nothing to her. I don't know what to do now. FML
Today, I found out I'm failing school. Why am I failing? Because I work 60 hours a week. Why do I work 60 hours a week? To pay for school. FML
Today, my dad continues to make jokes about the rude things he does to avoid dealing with people who try to point out that he's seriously a massive douchebag, and is overall just unpleasant to be around. I have no idea why my mom married this man and had three children with him, let alone why they're still together. FML
Today, and ever since she got pregnant, my girlfriend has been hinting that one of her great-grandfathers was black, so there’s a chance our son may be black too. I wasn’t suspicious before, but she has mentioned it so often I’m starting to think it’s less a great grandad and more a baby daddy issue. FML
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