Today, my band members and I were brainstorming ideas to help increase our fanbase. My drummer suggested they replace me for someone attractive. Everyone agreed and now they're trying to kick me out of the band I started. FML
Today, my mother commented "Loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML
Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out, "Are you having fun?" FML
Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML
Today, I found out that the friend I stayed up with for nights on end, talking out of depression and suicide, has "politely" posted up on Facebook that he secretly hates me. FML
Today, I crossed a one-way street after looking for oncoming traffic, only to be hit by a car driving in reverse. FML
Today, even though I was very clear before I went on holiday that I was going completely zero contact to de-stress, my mother rang at least twice a day. When I stopped answering the phone, she found the direct number of the local police station in a foreign country and sent them to find me. FML
Today, It’s been six years since I graduated high school. My peers in my grade never included me socially, and lots talked down on me or behind my back growing up. My self esteem was ruined and I’ve been pushed into dead end jobs; meanwhile lots of my bullies are now travelling and/or successful. FML
Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML
Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML
Today, my mom won't let me have the extra hotel room she booked all to myself, even though it's just me, her, and my sister. Basically I can share a room with her or with my sister, but I can't be alone. I'm 23. FML
Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML
Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML
Today, I found out it's apparently racist to point out that a person has a unique spelling for a common name. I then found out it's even more racist to yell at the person who tells you in a very condescending tone that "it's a common spelling," even though I've literally never seen it before in my life. FML
Today, I held the door for an elderly woman. As she walked through, she looked at me and told me I was a very handsome man and that I should meet her grandson. The woman was my grandmother, and yes, I'm straight. FML
Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML
Today, I went to a theme park. The first ride I went on broke down just as my cart reached the highest point. I had a nice view of my loving family laughing at me while management failed to fix the rollercoaster. FML
Today, my in-laws just bought the house opposite. They were bad enough 50 miles away but now they’re here all the time. We’ve had to start locking doors and diving to the floor every time we hear our front gate open. Even then they try to open the door and stand in the garden for up to 15 minutes. FML
Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML
Today, my dad turned up drunk to an intervention for my brother's drug addiction. FML
Today, and since I graduated, I've realized how truly lonely I am. I haven't seen my one best friend in almost a year and I only leave the house to go to work. Not to mention I no longer enjoy things I used to love doing, making me even more sad and bored. Social anxiety and depression will do that to you. FML
Today, I had to create a perfect society in English class; the best society has their grade go up a full letter. After tons of preparation and thinking, I lost to an island made only of cheese. FML
Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML
Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML
Today, the two government buildings on either side of my apartment both started renovations. It will be about two months of constant banging as they cut and put up the steel on both sites. FML
Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my Masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML
Today, after a week of my new neighbor constantly yelling in his native language, I finally complained about the noise. Turns out that's just his normal talking voice. Goodbye sleep. FML
Today, I was refereeing a soccer match and I called a foul. An angry coach kept screaming at me, saying, "You're crazy!" I asked him to leave the field. As he left, he lifted his middle finger and screamed, "FUCK YOU!" I ref 5-year-olds. FML
Today, I put my perfectly-broiled steak portion in the microwave to keep it from the cats while it rested. I accidentally hit "cook" instead of "timer". My perfect rare steak is now almost perfectly half-leather and half-charcoal. FML
Today, I lost my phone. On the bright side, someone found it. On the downside, they won't give it back. FML
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