OP, the feelings you are describing sound like depression to me. Sometimes depression comes from our situation, sometimes from something else. I think yours is related to your situation… Maybe suggest to your parents that you could use some counseling - It should help. My parents got divorced while I was in college but there had been warnings of that possible outcome all the time they were married (close to 20 years). As a young child my bedroom was next to my parents and sometimes at night I’d hear upset voices though I couldn’t make out what they were saying… OP, here’s the bottom line - You will still be your mom and your dad’s child divorce or not. It’s not your fault, but sometimes children think their parent’s relationship problems are either their fault or that they must find a way to hold their family together. Neither is true… You will survive this and still be loved. Mom and Dad’s relationship is not your responsibility and if you take sides the probability is that it will likely be based on incorrect or incomplete information. Mature adults don’t use their children against each other but sometimes real people try. Stay out of the drama. It’s not your role or responsibility… Remember after the inevitable divorce - At Mom’s home it’s her rules and at Dad’s home it’s his rules…

Well congrats on the depression diagnosis. Go ask your parents for a doctors' appointment. Good news is, when you treat the depression, it gets a lot better and life turns out to actually be pretty fun.

🫂 Stop trying to pretend you're ok for the sake of other people. You aren't. You need a massive ugly cry and a drs appointment. Try talking to a professional before any pills, they tend to just numb things. Holding everything in tends to squash everything else inside. You gotta let it out. Try watching Inside out. I know it sounds dumb but it's a really good metaphor for why having a huge sobbing meltdown is actually really good for you.

Welcome to the big wide world of depression, where the existential crises beat the shit out of you on a regular basis, and even your dreams mock your wretched existence. On the plus side, you can speak to someone to get Better Help. *wink wink*