Today, I thought I’d get revenge on my cheating husband by seducing the woman he’s been seeing behind my back. Unfortunately, even though I’ve never been attracted to women, I’ve inexplicably fallen head over heels in love with her. What now? FML
Today, my wife found out when I’m super busy with work and can’t be bothered to walk upstairs for a pee, I just pee into a bottle and empty it out the window onto the grass. I get it’s sorta gross but the way she was yelling you’d have think I took a shit on the drive in full view of the neighbours. FML
Today, I decided to break up with my girlfriend. I sat her down and gave her the speech. She broke down in tears and said, “Why does every guy always abandon me? Why am I never good enough?” I felt so bad for her that I took back the breakup and we’re still together now. FML
Today, I felt like doing a good deed, so when I bought something at a store I told the cashier to keep the change. The cashier then panicked and said, “What do I do???” Turns out, I was her first ever customer. FML
Today, I got home and my wife was pissed that I'd forgotten our plans. She then refused to tell me what I forgot and went to bed. I know my memory’s bad so I always write stuff down, but there’s nothing on our joint calendar, nothing on my calendar, no Post-it notes, texts, or emails, nothing. FML
Today, my anger issues reached their worst after a horrible day at work. I kicked my girlfriend out of our apartment because I smelled another man's cologne when I came home. The "cologne" was a scented candle that she had burning while I was gone. FML
Today, I went to the salon to get some acrylics done. They increased the prices recently and it was more expensive than expected. I didn’t have enough money in my account to cover the service, so I planned on running out when I had the chance. I ended up running out only to faceplant in the parking lot. FML
Today, I met in person a girl I’ve been talking to on Facebook Messenger. We went to a concert of a group we both like, then dinner, and had lots of fun. At the end of the night I realized she’s amazing as hell, and I’ve fallen in love. Our compatibility is unmatched. The problem is that I have a girlfriend of 3 years. FML
Today, I found out that my soon-to-be ex-wife had installed a Ring front door camera. The way I found out was when the PowerPoint presentation I was supposed to present at work started with the footage of me taking my girlfriend to the house when my wife wasn’t around. The next slide said, “Call your lawyer.” FML
Today, I had to watch as the girl I love got her heart stomped to pieces once again. She had turned me down because apparently I’m not “her type”. She doesn’t understand that I will worship the ground she walks on, and give her the world and more. Her type must be abusers and cheaters then. FML
Today, my wife yet again started nagging me about a project I've been working on. With every single whiny word spewed from her yap, I could feel my excitement diminish, until it was replaced entirely with resentment and a craving for beer. FML
Today, I've been married for 17 years. I struggle with OCD and there are some things I can't get past mentally. One is tattoos. I have no sex drive toward women with tattoos. Friends only if they have tattoos. My wife knows this issue. My wife got her first 4 tattoos in February. Why?? Sex drive gone. FML
Today, the woman I’ve loved, cared for, and nursed through cancer, left me for her ex since he wants to get married and I don’t. I didn’t know that a piece of paper and a white dress mean more than unconditional love and support. FML
Today, I found out my best friend works at my husband’s job. He calls her his “work wife.” I had no idea they worked together, nor the fact that he calls her that. I used her phone to call my husband and she has him as “Work Hubby” with a heart emoji. The worst part? They insist nothing is going on between them. FML
Today, I realized that I'm jealous of my newly-divorced roommate. She has so much freedom now because her daughter lives 50/50 with her ex. I'm trying so hard keeping my household, relationship, work, and kids happy, and I'm tired and overwhelmed all of the time, while she goes on vacation with her new boyfriend. FML
Today, I had to have a serious talk with my little sister about trying to hook up with my friends. Married or not. She just turned 18 but I’m hoping this was the first and last time. FML
Today, I can't sit down for a book or some TV without my wife coming up and moaning at me to "get a hobby, get out of the house once in a while, you never do anything anymore." I have a healthy, balanced social life, but maybe I want to relax in my own house for once. FML
Today, I had a long talk with my now ex-boyfriend. I explained why I'm not comfortable with him bringing up his new female coworker multiple times a day, talking with her about their kinks and fetishes, or possibly being around her outside of work. We've been together for nine years. He's only known her for a week. FML
Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "Mom" while at work. FML
Today, my racist grandmother was complaining that the new nurse at her nursing home is a black woman. I casually asked, "Is she cute?" I'm now out of the will. FML
Today, we realized we had a problem with two appliances. Their manuals were in a high cabinet. My husband got down the one for the appliance he was working on, but left the one I needed up too high for me to reach. I got the step stool and said, "OK" as I climbed up. My husband flipped and yelled that I am "disrespectful." FML
Today, after just two days of asking me to officially be his girlfriend, my boyfriend started following his ex-fiancé. When confronted, he admitted to chatting with her for over two hours about an important family matter. FML
Today, I accidentally started a fire in my apartment's bathroom while I was high. Last night my girlfriend and I had a chat about how she can't trust me 100%. I feel like an absolute idiot and she's rightfully upset with me. FML
Today, I returned home after a long day, and wanted a snack of the Deluxe Mixed nuts I purchased yesterday. The only thing in the container was almonds and peanuts. My husband admitted he sorted through the nuts then closed the container up so it looked like it had never been opened. FML, and maybe my husband too. FML
Today, as I was trying to impress my girlfriend of three months, I showed her the real diamond ring I'd got for my ex. She got an attitude for our whole three-hour car ride home because I'd brought up my ex. FML
Today, my sister will be giving birth to my niece any day now. She repeatedly insists on showing me her heavily pregnant belly. I don't know how to tell her that I find pregnancy bellies repulsive without sounding like a dick. I don't even know why this is. I just don't like them. FML
Today, I went on a date with someone I'd met online. Everything was going surprisingly well, until I knocked over my drink, spilling it all over my date's lap. In a panic, I blurted out, "Dude, did you piss yourself?" Needless to say, there will be no second date. FML
Today, my wife has moved into the guest room and has been giving me the cold shoulder ever since I asked for a paternity test for our kids. She swears she’s never cheated, so what’s she so offended for? Women make no sense. FML
Today, I arse-dialled my ex while drunkenly singing karaoke at a bar. She picked up just in time to hear me belting out a heartfelt rendition of "I Will Survive." I don't think she bought my "pocket dial" excuse. FML
Today, I learned that it’s unwise to ask my cheating boyfriend, “What does she have that I don’t?” I was reduced to tears when he told me every single detail this new girl has that makes her so amazing. Now I’m researching plastic surgery and tummy tuck websites. FML
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