Today, it's the beginning of Spring. Great. Time to surround the house with ant killer because the entire county is one big ant colony, and the city council won't do anything about it because it would require treating every square mile against ants. God forbid it rains. FML
Today, my wife opted for a home birth with a nurse and her mother. Her mother is such a baby-feral, men-are-bastards, hippie feminist dragon that not only did she yell at me when I tried to be in the room, she has now pushed me out of the house. I ended up sat in my car with only one shoe and no phone. FML
Today, I finally used the statistics book that I forked out $120 to buy. To kill an ant. FML
Today, I found out that the girl that my boyfriend considers “one of the guys” isn’t really one of the guys after all. I trusted him to let her stay at his house overnight on several occasions, and to spend alone time with her. She’s pregnant, and the baby is his. FML
Today, I got lectured by my father for cussing out one of his old friends, after the man insulted me at a formal gathering. This man had called my race into question with a slur. Dad swore up and down how respectable the man is and that I lacked "civility." This old fart of a racist happens to be a council bigwig. FML
Today, my husband sat me down to tell me he’s filing for divorce as he’s fallen out of love with me and loves my 19 year-old daughter (his step-daughter). Furthermore, I’m off the lease when it expires next month so they can live together. We have a 2 month-old son. He replied, “OK, and? I’ll pay child support.” FML
Today, I was fired from my job because I called out my supervisor for withholding my W-2s (wage and tax statements). I know full well it's a retaliatory action. However, the store manager is ducking all my calls when I try to report it. I can't afford a lawyer, especially when the company is a multi-billion dollar brand. FML
Today, our chocolate Labrador ran away. My dad adopted it because he really wanted a hunting dog, promising he'd be in charge of its training and feeding. I ended up getting saddled with that instead. The dog was so hyper it was untrainable, and dad blamed me when it burst out of its kennel and bolted into the night. FML
Today, to give the illusion that I have friends, I wrote an outrageous status on Facebook, and then pretended it was the result of a friend hacking my page, all in the hope that it would get comments, likes, or at least some attention. Nothing happened. FML
Today, I was talking with a friend and somehow the topic of Albert Einstein popped up. He started referring to Einstein as American and I laughed. I then realized he was serious. My IQ has dropped even further from Einstein's as a result of this. FML
Today, I had to leave my school's JROTC program because my mother doesn't want me in it, and won't pay for my uniforms. The worst part was the conversation with my Master Sergeant, for whom I have the utmost respect for. He told me, "You're a soldier. Keep your head up." I don't think a soldier would be crying as I am now. FML
Today, I learned that when you have a banker and rental property manager for a dad, and a recently graduated business major for a boyfriend, the absolute worst thing you can do at family dinner night is suggest playing Monopoly. It was four hours of carnage I don’t think I can recover from FML
Today, in preparation for proposing to my girlfriend, I borrowed one of her rings so I could discreetly get her ring size. Not only have I now lost the ring, which turns out to be a keepsake from her dead grandmother, I still don't know her ring size. FML
Today, I’m an adult and my mother lives with me, not me with her. She found out I was going to be gone for 9 days on vacation and that she couldn’t come, so she had a “mental break down” and checked herself into a psych ward. Last year, she did the same thing when I graduated college and celebrated it. FML
Today, I have an excruciatingly sore throat due to chronic canker sores around my uvula. Every bite of food I swallow brings tears to my eyes. I had enough of dad calling me a wimp at dinner over it and shoved my food onto his plate. He's now faking allergies to food we've had for years, just to take the piss out of me. FML
Today, I was reprimanded by my mom and her current man over my opinions on one of their church social friend's "homemade" lasagna. I didn't say anything, just took one bite, and ate no more. How politely do you say that you know full well she shoved Stouffer's frozen lasagna into the oven? I recognized it from just the smell! FML
Today, I worked my two jobs. During my first job, my mom took my car to LA and was late coming back. On my way to my second job, as soon as I got off the freeway the exit to my job was closed due to a protest for Palestine. If you want to protest, at least do it on a day when I don't have to work my second job, please. FML
Today, we are severely understaffed, and I'm very often the only person working my shift. There's a yuppie who comes in and complains when we have to pause service due to shift change. He does this every day, and I'd had enough, so I slid him an application ,and told him to fill it out, wait, or leave. I got written up. FML
Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML
Today, at my job as a hotel housekeeper, I accidentally entered the room of someone who hadn't left yet. To my horror, the man inside was having a massive heart attack. I just found out he passed away, despite immediate medical intervention. FML
Today, as a tax preparer, I had to deliver the bad news that a lady owed a very large sum in taxes. I even had my supervisor check my work as this was serious. Apparently she has been claiming exemptions she doesn't qualify for for years by going to another local tax office that closed down last year, due to fraud. FML
Today, my husband of nearly a decade told me he's been sleeping with his best friend for a year, and also a couple times with my best friend. Marriage destroyed. Life in shambles. FML
Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML
Today, I parked in a disabled bay so I could drop my son off at his appointment. My son uses crutches and has a blue badge. As I was trying to leave, an absolute Karen started chewing my ass for using a disabled bay while “not looking disabled”, then lay under my wheels to stop me leaving. FML
Today, I had to explain to one of my friends that the cap he likes to wear makes people look at us funny in public. He thinks it's just the White Sox logo. It's styled like the baseball team's logo, but it actually says "Sex". I had to show him both side by side for him to see it. FML
Today, my dad lectured me because my mom cried herself to sleep last night. Why? Because I didn't want to watch a movie with her. I had to go to sleep to be up for work at 6 a.m., and was too tired to watch a movie in the first place. I live with drama queens. FML
Today, while I was pooping on company time, a little constipated, I saw a spider full speed running towards me, as I’m mid grunt. This makes my asshole slam shut and set my feet flailing to stomp it before it got any closer. Now I have heart palpitations and I feel violated. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend, who disliked the music I listened to and made, is now dating some womanizing party promoter who promotes music of the same genre of music I make. Now she’s all about it, including rocking the image. Who knew ghosting cheaters wanted everything about you, except for you… FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years accidentally admitted to me that he settled for me because he doesn't think he can do any better. FML
Today, I have a largely unknown and heavily stigmatized eating disorder that severely limits my food palate. It will most likely lead to a premature death if left untreated, and everyone I know - even doctors - just call me "picky" and leave it at that. I WANT to eat normally. Can't you understand? FML
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