Today, I saw a Tesla truck in my rear-view mirror and thought, "Oh, look how cool the front looks!" Five seconds later it rear-ended me. FML
Today, I'm celebrating New Year's with my cat. I made her a cake. FML
Today, I mistook a stranger in a supermarket aisle for an old friend and gave them a big bear hug from behind. Turns out, my "friend" was just now a very confused man in a very similar, but oddly specific jacket that I thought my actual friend had claimed he made himself. Guess not. FML
Today, after finally convincing my wife to let me donate the piles of junk lying around, I was backing out of the driveway with a full load when she ran out going, "Wait, wait!" She wants to go through everything and try to sell it. Back to square fucking one. FML
Today, my phone's OS suggested I reflect on the year gone by. I started by scrolling through my photos and realized most of them were just pictures of my cat or screenshots of memes. I should get out more in 2025. FML
Today, I parked my motorcycle in a parking spot. When I came back, my bike had been moved and was laying on its side with a note saying, "Sorry I dropped your motorcycle I was trying to move it forward so I could park my car because there weren't any other spots." FML
Today, I spotted a guy I like slyly checking me out, so I did what I thought would be a dramatic but nonchalant hair flip. Instead, my hair got caught in the strap of my bag, and I ended up yanking myself backwards like a clumsy stuntman. FML
Today, I was getting ready to relax on my couch and watch TV under a comforter. I had a bag of snacks and the remote in one hand, and a glass of Coke in the other. Usually, I throw the remote onto the couch before settling down… only this time I had it in my left hand and not my right. At least the glass didn't shatter this time. FML
Today, I tried doing a backflip off the diving board into our hotel's swimming pool. Instead, I flopped into the pool so hard it sounded like a cannonball, and now my stomach is bright red. My friends will probably bring this up for the rest of our holiday. FML
Today, my 8 year-old little sister said, "F*** you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said, "Gotcha, bitch." FML
Today, I mistook a mannequin in a store for a real person and apologized when I bumped into it. A staff member saw and said, "Don’t worry, he’s used to it." FML
Today, I confidently walked into what I thought was my friend's apartment for a party, only to find a confused elderly couple staring at me. Turns out, I was not only three doors down from where I thought his front door was, I was also on the wrong floor. FML
Today, after spending two days pampering my sick fiancee and her sick son, they were finally feeling better. I woke up feeling rotten and said I needed to rest. She said, "Okay, but I want to deep clean today. Let's go! Out of bed! Up up!" FML
Today, my boss called me in to have a serious talk. The "serious talk" was him asking me to notify him of my menstrual cycle ahead of time so he can "avoid that shit". FML
Today, I confidently told a funny story during a holiday family dinner. Nobody laughed, except my younger cousin, who snorted so hard at the way I'd flopped into complete silence, he sprayed cranberry sauce across the table. FML
Today, I saw some of my parents' recent social media posts. They spent the holidays at the five star Radisson Blu hotel on Gran Canaria for a week, while I'm homeless in Moscow, struggling with bad shoes and improper clothes. I don't deserve the FML as I wasn't responsible for what caused my situation. FML
Today, I tried to open a jar by tapping the lid on the counter. I tapped it so hard, the jar shattered, and I now have more spaghetti sauce on my pyjama pants than in the pot. FML
Today, I was fired for not asking a senior citizen for proof that he was over 21 and legally allowed to purchase alcohol. When I told my manager he was clearly over 21, he replied, "But what if he WASN'T?" FML
Today, after mom and dad divorced, remarried people who already had kids, then had more kids, I have 3 siblings, 5 half-siblings, and 3 step-siblings. The reason I’m telling you this is because this Christmas I apparently got lost in the crowd and both mom and dad forgot to buy me a gift. FML
Today, at my new job waitressing, I walked into a glass door at full speed while carrying a tray of drinks. Not only did I spill everything, but I also left a weird make up face print on the glass for everyone to laugh at. FML
Today, the cold I caught last Friday decided to go into the home stretch the day after Christmas. I have sneezing fits late at night. Typically ten sneezes or more in a row and I have no idea when this stupid cold will end. Surprisingly, the worst I had before this was a sore throat and a bit of dry mouth. That's it. FML
Today, I was washing dishes after eating Christmas leftovers. I pulled a knife out of the drying rack and put it away to avoid cutting myself on it, yet I still managed to scrape my thumb on an errant fork in the sink. FML
Today, I ended a relationship because she told me that I was "like a father." FML
Today, I decided to bleach my hair but then my mom got mad and put my hair in a bun after helping bleach it. Mind you, it is currently blonde orange and black and I don't think it worked, and my hair is fried. FML
Today, I'm horribly sick with a stomach bug. My wife insists on yelling for my help every fifteen minutes, saying, "If you want kids, you better get used to this. They don't just go away when you're sick." When she's sick, however, she expects to be treated like a princess. FML
Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I was talking to was distracting me so his "buddy" could steal my wallet. FML
Today, my husband forgot to unload his speargun after his fishing trip. There is now a hole in my ceiling I can see daylight through, and the forecast is for heavy rain tonight. FML
Today, I picked up my idiot 20 year-old son from a party. He was shit-faced drunk and managed to drop his vape out the window as I was driving. He tried to open the door of the moving car to get out and look for it, and I had to grab him and pull him back in. Legally, this moron is an adult. FML
Today, my husband convinced me to donate all the sentimental items around our house, like the kids' old toys. Now I feel absolutely gutted, like we gave away tons of our family history, but everyone else is so happy that things are less cluttered, so I just play along. I feel so empty. FML
Today, I found out why you don't let your kids grab your arms while their hands are covered in glitter glue. Easy to get it on you, extremely painful to rip from your arm hairs. FML
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