Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed... - FML

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

By FML Team - 30/10/2009 10:03

FML face to Facebook

FML sent You a friend request. You and FML are now friends. FML posted something on your wall "Hey You! Long time no see! Whassup?...

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By nothappywithlife / Monday 30 March 2009 21:34 / United States

Higher standards

Ant life

The Summoner

By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 04:01

Today, my dog got out and ran off at 8 p.m., so I had 11 friends and family looking in the freezing cold night for it until 11:30 p.m. Turns out, the dog was locked in the garage the whole time. FML

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By Moanie - 15/3/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

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By MissArizona - 8/8/2011 14:12 - United States

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

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By deeenalynn - 18/7/2011 16:22 - Canada

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

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By Nirah - 26/7/2019 21:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, I'm a week into a prescription of extremely constipating antibiotics. I also just caught the stomach bug going around at work that causes aggressive diarrhea. The two combined mean I have a constant, slow-moving stream of thick, foul-smelling sludge coming out of me. FML

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By beemove - 28/12/2013 21:19 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I took an extra xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

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By Hide -n- Seek - 16/11/2019 20:00 - United States - Grand Prairie

Hide and Seek

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2015 10:21 - United States

Today, my boss explained that the company will be letting me go. She got so upset that she couldn't leave her office and I had to console her. I had to make her feel less sad for laying me off. FML

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By littlemiss - 10/2/2013 16:17 - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

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By 1ndustrytx - 4/9/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I was awakened by the sound of chain-saws. Moments later a tree branch came through my roof. FML

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By The greatest Illusion ever - 28/10/2013 20:31 - United States

Today, I went to school without any makeup on. The guys who usually compliment me for being pretty are now calling me "The Greatest Illusion Ever". FML

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By ooh cat - 18/5/2012 21:50 - United States - Inglewood

Today, after weeks of sorting, inspecting, and waiting, my high school's yearbooks were distributed. I'd searched carefully for photo errors and was proud to say there were none. That is, until someone told me that a boy on the last page was flipping the camera the bird. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2019 20:00

Today, I went to Home Depot because the lamp I'd bought there a few days ago was missing a part, and I wanted to get one that was complete. They wouldn't change it because it wasn't complete, and the policy said they wouldn't change anything that wasn't complete. FML

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By Thomas - 13/12/2009 06:46 - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my parents singing happy birthday with lots of hugs and kisses. My birthday is next week. FML

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By notsohot - 25/8/2019 00:01

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's house with nothing under my coat but some sexy lingerie. He told me he was working on an assignment, and made me wait three hours before he'd have sex with me. FML

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By brannie - 30/1/2012 00:26 - United States

Today, I found out that Google+ has been automatically uploading my cell phone pictures as I take them. My friends have now seen pictures of me, my penis, and other things too horrifying to talk about. FML

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By SirDirtyRedD - 25/1/2014 01:03 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

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By bdjsbskl - 7/10/2011 05:55 - Canada

Today, I was at work as a cashier. An old lady unbagged everything I had, and angrily "taught" me how to bag. She put potatoes on her eggs and broke them. She then screamed that I was useless and retarded in front of all my other customers and manager. FML

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By bob the builder - 8/11/2012 14:36 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I'm at work on a construction site for a high rise building, on the 12th floor today. I've developed a severe case of the runs, causing me to need to rush to the nearest toilet periodically. Luckily for me it's conveniently located on the ground floor. FML

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By xxmollyxx - 16/12/2010 11:54 - Sweden

Today, I dropped my remote behind the bed and went to reach for it. Instead of the remote, I grabbed hold of a rat carcass that must have got in when builders were working in my bathroom several weeks ago. FML

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By shootme - 13/11/2011 22:46 - Canada

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

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By johnny121 - 1/1/2010 19:14 - France

Today, I had to go to the hospital. While I was there, my mom started hitting on a doctor. Later I saw them making out in the room next to me. FML

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By CaptainFluffyPaw - 29/6/2015 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer complained about me for getting their order wrong. This would have been fine if they hadn't sent their ten-year-old kid to order for them. FML

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By mareda - 1/2/2012 19:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew to England to visit my boyfriend, who has been working there for the past three months. I went to his hotel and waited for him; he never showed up. I called one of his colleagues to ask him what was going on. He had no idea what I was talking about. FML

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By LGraham - 16/6/2020 20:08

Weird kid

Today, my nephew kicked me in the balls, again! And he got me fair and square this time. It's the fourth time he's got me in the balls since the pandemic started. I have to put my groin guard from college on and teach him a lesson because he won't listen and he's 12, so he knows what he's doing. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML

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By Nancy - 10/3/2010 18:42 - United States

Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone cut off half of my ponytail. FML

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By Preggie - 7/7/2011 04:04 - Singapore

Today, a sweet old lady gave up her seat for me in the bus. She lectured to the entire bus that seats should be given to those in need, like myself who is heavily pregnant. I am just fat. FML

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By Unlovable - 22/7/2019 04:00

Ah, puppy love…

Today, I was texting my crush. He wasn’t really into the texts because he was barely replying, until he texted back calling me "baby." I got so excited, I almost cried, until he corrected himself and said that the text wasn’t for me. I cried. FML

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By flowerman - 26/12/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I had to drive my girlfriend to the hospital because she had a severe allergic reaction to the flowers I brought her. FML

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By Loserbot - 4/9/2012 01:02 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Right as she orgasmed, she screamed out Megatron's name. When I later confronted her about this, she said that she always had a crush on him and wanted to be queen of the Decepticons. I've been dating this lunatic for a year and half now. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 12:27 - United States - New York

Today, my drunk dad told me I'm smart enough that any guy could overlook the fact that I'm fat, but not smart enough that they could overlook how ugly I am. Gee, thanks. FML

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By no tea parties here, gran - 11/4/2013 17:16 - United States

Today, my racist, homophobic, generally degenerate grandmother visited. Within 20 minutes, she uttered multiple racial slurs, said Robert Downey Jr. will burn in hell for playing a black man in one of his movies, and yelled that she'd "whip the piss" out of me, after I asked her to leave. FML

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By bgoodwin07 - 29/11/2011 13:31 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, the girl that I have been trying to get with for over a year told me she was drunk and just gave her first blowjob to some guy. FML

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By worthless - 10/11/2010 02:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't wear deodorant and has horrible dandruff, decided to shower for the first time in nearly a week because he got invited out to a bar. He didn't even invite me to go with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I started my first day of work. I was told to absorb everything going on and to get used to the high-paced flow of things. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now, and the office has been empty since I've walked in. FML

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By fish killer - 25/3/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 01:19 - France - Thionville

Today, my grandson visited me, and asked if I had any pictures of myself from when I was a little girl. I happily looked for a few photos to give him, asking what had piqued his curiosity. He replied that he wanted some for a presentation he's doing on the Middle Ages. FML

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By anonymous - 30/6/2017 15:34

Today, it seems that getting an apartment with a couple was a bad idea. They agree on everything, so my opinion never seems to matter. FML

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Top comments

By lancewell | 0

#71111 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:01

thats a real kick in the junk.facebook screws everyone over..

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#71115 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

I had that happen when I was dating a douchebag once, but a MARRIAGE!?

COMMENTS

By lancewell | 0

#71111 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:01

thats a real kick in the junk.facebook screws everyone over..

Reply

mohomonopoly | 0

#647813 - Saturday 31 October 2009 18:17

Except lady gaga. Facebook helped that skeezebag's career.

Reply

Leon_S_Kennedy | 0

#648059 - Saturday 31 October 2009 21:05

queen to who? The tone deaf?

Reply

Nathaney | 0

#648089 - Saturday 31 October 2009 21:23

OWNED

Reply

Kristoffer | 34

#648135 - Saturday 31 October 2009 21:51

Lada Gaga isn't a bad singer but she's completely around the bend.

Reply

nam3 | 0

#648208 - Saturday 31 October 2009 22:27

i wuld do lady gaga

Reply

LongJohnnie5 | 0

#648505 - Sunday 1 November 2009 2:36

You would really do the gaga? Well lucky for you, shes got both lady parts and men parts, so you can pick and choose!

Reply

Hazy_fml | 0

#649103 - Sunday 1 November 2009 13:15

#199
The only thing Lady Gaga will be doing is pushing music back into the realm of the surreal, especially after all the hard work and many years it took for music to develop as "culturally stable."

This, of course, could be interpreted as both good and/or bad.

Reply

Penetration | 0

#650236 - Monday 2 November 2009 4:06

Sandwiches make everything better.

Reply

cutiepie87 | 0

#650280 - Monday 2 November 2009 4:36

WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT LADY GAGA!

Reply

gu355_wh0 | 0

#650539 - Monday 2 November 2009 9:12

what are you a transvestite too?

Reply

allie2590 | 30

#651024 - Monday 2 November 2009 19:02

No, I'm pretty sure it's the people screwing everyone over, not Facebook.

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#653289 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 2:11

Oooooh!

Reply

sarcasticbitch | 7

#656680 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:09

lady gaga is a male!

Reply

F___My_Life15 | 0

#657014 - Friday 6 November 2009 3:06

all she does is repeat words for the whole song its not even music anymore its like a broken record playing over and over again

Reply

SiLvEr_070 | 5

#657350 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:26

True. She scares me a little bit, caus of everyone thinking she's a man and all. =]

Reply

cashzmere09 | 0

#667594 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:50

lady gaga is the queen of sluts honey

Reply

Kuro_koumori | 0

#716614 - Saturday 12 December 2009 17:08

Hey, now. I actually like Lady Gaga. e_e

Reply

JustLoseIt | 0

#751480 - Sunday 3 January 2010 0:37

Naw man shes the KING of music.... Hahahah

Reply

Beatles1500 | 0

#817405 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 3:05

agreed

Reply

subnoize6969 | 0

#818169 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 8:54

that sucksssssss man

Reply

xboxsucks | 0

#823042 - Thursday 4 February 2010 1:11

lady gaga is a dude.... you know that right?

Reply

Eddie_Paints | 0

#824118 - Thursday 4 February 2010 7:53

I agree Sandwiches are awesome!!

Reply

Roflmaaark | 0

#984877 - Monday 26 April 2010 0:57

Facebook ruins lives, get off it!

Reply

unluckyloser456 | 0

#1012745 - Sunday 30 May 2010 17:17

I LOVE THE COMIC xD

Reply

slushpup9696 | 12

#1039762 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 1:05

Sandwiches > Lady Gaga

Reply

crazyXmallie | 0

#1046518 - Monday 28 June 2010 0:15

Lady Gaga's not a transvestite, she's a hermaphrodite.

Reply

g0ldyxl0cks | 0

#1046658 - Monday 28 June 2010 3:41

Sorry and sadly I'm friends with a girl who's exhusband did this to her.

By laurabcdef | 0

#71112 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

i heard about that on the news on MSN.com

By gesseniasxangel | 0

#71114 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

That's stupid as hell.

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#71115 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

I had that happen when I was dating a douchebag once, but a MARRIAGE!?

By may_cause_fail | 0

#71116 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

How could you be married to someone like that? I'm sorry. :[

By JCGN87 | 0

#71132 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:06

HAHAHAHA YOU MUST BE A FUCKING LOSEr!

Reply

whatnow2859 | 0

#647744 - Saturday 31 October 2009 17:16

im sorry :( what a bitch

By the_walrus | 0

#71144 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:08

#6 allow it.
as 4 her-wot a slut

By Theoderage | 3

#71145 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:08

Technology is just a brand new way to get screwed over and devalue lives. I'm sorry.

By wowfmlife | 0

#71148 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:10

F
A
K
E
!

By sexyx0sandyyy | 0

#71156 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:11

aww. im sorry