Love: Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed... - FML

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

By FML Team

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FML sent You a friend request. You and FML are now friends. FML posted something on your wall "Hey You! Long time no see! Whassup?...

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By nothappywithlife / Monday 30 March 2009 21:34 / United States

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mother of the year

By knee pain - United States

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, after months of my doctor telling me that my heart palpitations are simply due to anxiety, and that I'm perfectly healthy, I decided to weight train to face my fears. Two hours later, I was in the emergency room. FML

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By Mr. King - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst walking past a large pond-sized puddle, a double decker bus and a van slowed and drove around the puddle so as not to splash me. Thinking luck was on my side, I began walking more confidently, only for a tiny smart car to come hurtling past, causing a huge wave of water to hit me. FML

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By jazzie7719 - United States - Arlington

Today, I went into an exam room to do a check-up on one of my patients. I told the little girl's mother that she needed her flu shots. When the girl heard this, she took an apple out of her pocket and threw it at me. FML

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By Christopher - Canada

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

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By froggylicious - Canada

Today, I woke up exhausted because a croaking frog had kept me awake the night before. This has happened every night for the past week, and no matter how far away I take the frog, it always ends up sitting in the same place the next morning. FML

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By manlyman - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because my wife and I were having some fertilization problems. As I removed my pants, the doctor simply looked at my penis and said "mhm." My wife laughed the whole way home. FML

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By crazygirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I realized that the vibrator we bought got sent to his parents house. He picked it up from them, brought it home, and we discovered that they had already opened the package. They even tried to hide the evidence by re-taping it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 11:01

Odd one out

Today, I went to the mall with two friends. A modelling scout approached us and asked both of my friends if they were interested in modelling. When the scout finally noticed me, she asked if I was their mom. We're all the same age. FML

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By Crog - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally kicked a child down a set of steps. I work in a kids play area. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out shopping. When I left the store, I saw my ex, who I'm still crazy about. He helped me carry my bags out to the car. When I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye, he stepped aside, and I fell face-first into a puddle. He walked away laughing. FML

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By nyu - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure, and they used some sort of scrubby thing that really tickled my feet. When I couldn't take it any more, I accidentally kicked the lady who was doing my nails in the face. FML

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By Turnaround

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after I found him cheating on me with my best friend. It ended up with me apologising for spying on him. FML

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By Lovelysister - United States

Today, I texted my brother saying, "Always remember I love you! Never forget it!" to which he replied, "You better not be doing drugs." FML

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By thanksbabe - United States

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with a clogged milk gland. I am not, nor have ever been, pregnant and therefore have also never breastfed. This condition is caused by my boyfriend's over-active urge to suck on my nipples. I'm in horrible pain, and he won't stop laughing. FML

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By FaceTime issues - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I called my mom to ask for some help with my dishwasher. Somehow, the call got turned into a video call. I was wearing a bathrobe, and she was naked in her bathroom. Most awkward call ever. FML

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By Zack - United States - Duncannon

Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I called my daughter a wimp and insisted her pain can't be that bad. She left in tears. Later, I got a call from her doctor informing me that she has trigeminal neuralgia, one of the most painful diseases known to man. I'm an asshole. FML

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By ournhd - United States

Today, I got bailed out of jail. I was there because I saw a girl being hit by her boyfriend. I rushed over to help only to have her hit me repeatedly. The cops came and she blamed her bruises on me. The boyfriend corroborated her story. FML

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By bailey1389 - 26/8/2020 02:02 - United States

Slippery slope

Today, I slipped on my son's Hot Wheels cars and fell onto a building made out of Lego. I now have a fractured tailbone and a broken wrist. I called my husband to tell him what happened and all he could do was laugh. My son didn't leave them on the floor, my husband did. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 02:01

On a scale of 1 to Annoying…

Today, I was telling my friend how much I love my 20-year-old kitchen scale, because it has this one handy function that even new ones don’t have. Later, my mom melted it on the stove and isn’t even convinced she should buy me a new one. FML

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By Rayvyn - United States

Today, I started feeling sick to my stomach. I tried to soothe it with some Ramen, which helped for a while. Later on, I felt worse and threw up the soup. Noodles came out of my nose. FML

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By bleue - France - Montberon

Today, in a crowded doctor's waiting room, my two-year-old daughter let a loud fart rip. I asked her, "What do we say?" She replied, "IT'S ME!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was disciplined by my boss for "not smiling enough." I'm a dishwasher. FML

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By SilverZephyr - United States - Marion

Today, I asked out a girl that I've liked for a while. She thought I was joking and laughed, saying, "No. Have you met yourself?" FML

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By petra84 - United States - Evans

Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML

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By Nurse

Today, a pregnant woman asked me to give her a demonstration on how to push when having a baby. I agreed and pushed, but I may have pushed a little too hard because I shat myself. The pregnant woman laughed and said she was hoping that would happen. FML

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By Anonymous - Senegal

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

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By Peter - United States - Boca Raton

Liar liar, poop on fire

Today, I was working at the restaurant where I wash dishes. Everyone thinks I'm a tech intern. My buddy Go Synco-ed me and so I had to capture whatever I was doing at the moment. I ran to the restroom, took my tee off and took a pic, stating, "I'm at home taking a shower." There was a guy behind me pooping. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my college charged me for tuition for next semester. I graduated 2 years ago. I have a degree from a place too stupid to only charge current students. FML

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By dangerousknitter - United States

Today, in the middle of an exam, I was escorted out by the campus police due to suspicion of a concealed weapon. The officers couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes when they found out the weapon was metal knitting needles. FML

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By cat co-parent - Australia

Today, my mum sat me down for a serious talk about not being home enough - not because she misses me, but because the family cat needs more stability in her life. FML

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By meow - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Eynsham

Today, I attempted to wax my "lady area". It hurt more than losing my virginity. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my boyfriend in Key West. I had gotten a bikini wax and new swimsuit for the occasion. My boyfriend was being romantic until he pulled a long hair from a mole on my leg. It's all fun and games until the mole starts bleeding, profusely. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 15:06 - United States - Albuquerque

You tried

Today, I'm in my late thirties, I quit my dream job to go back to school in hopes of providing a better future for my family. All my wife does anymore is bitch about how she has to support the family and do everything. I just found out that my grades aren't good enough to continue my college program. FML

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By Cereal_mistress - United States - Sonoma

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the doctor's for an ultrasound, as I'm 7 months pregnant. Then he went home and took his wife out to dinner for her birthday. FML

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By mortified - Canada

Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML

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By Kerkie - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my 12-year-old stepchild told me he’s been deliberately wetting - and sometimes crapping - the bed because he’s too lazy to get up and knows it’s someone else’s problem to clean up after him. It’s been going on for years. FML

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Top comments

By lancewell | 0

#71111 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:01

thats a real kick in the junk.facebook screws everyone over..

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#71115 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

I had that happen when I was dating a douchebag once, but a MARRIAGE!?

COMMENTS

By lancewell | 0

#71111 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:01

thats a real kick in the junk.facebook screws everyone over..

Reply

mohomonopoly | 0

#647813 - Saturday 31 October 2009 18:17

Except lady gaga. Facebook helped that skeezebag's career.

Reply

Leon_S_Kennedy | 0

#648059 - Saturday 31 October 2009 21:05

queen to who? The tone deaf?

Reply

Nathaney | 0

#648089 - Saturday 31 October 2009 21:23

OWNED

Reply

Kristoffer | 35

#648135 - Saturday 31 October 2009 21:51

Lada Gaga isn't a bad singer but she's completely around the bend.

Reply

nam3 | 0

#648208 - Saturday 31 October 2009 22:27

i wuld do lady gaga

Reply

LongJohnnie5 | 0

#648505 - Sunday 1 November 2009 2:36

You would really do the gaga? Well lucky for you, shes got both lady parts and men parts, so you can pick and choose!

Reply

Hazy_fml | 0

#649103 - Sunday 1 November 2009 13:15

#199
The only thing Lady Gaga will be doing is pushing music back into the realm of the surreal, especially after all the hard work and many years it took for music to develop as "culturally stable."

This, of course, could be interpreted as both good and/or bad.

Reply

Penetration | 0

#650236 - Monday 2 November 2009 4:06

Sandwiches make everything better.

Reply

cutiepie87 | 0

#650280 - Monday 2 November 2009 4:36

WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT LADY GAGA!

Reply

gu355_wh0 | 0

#650539 - Monday 2 November 2009 9:12

what are you a transvestite too?

Reply

allie2590 | 30

#651024 - Monday 2 November 2009 19:02

No, I'm pretty sure it's the people screwing everyone over, not Facebook.

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#653289 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 2:11

Oooooh!

Reply

sarcasticbitch | 7

#656680 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:09

lady gaga is a male!

Reply

F___My_Life15 | 0

#657014 - Friday 6 November 2009 3:06

all she does is repeat words for the whole song its not even music anymore its like a broken record playing over and over again

Reply

SiLvEr_070 | 5

#657350 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:26

True. She scares me a little bit, caus of everyone thinking she's a man and all. =]

Reply

cashzmere09 | 0

#667594 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:50

lady gaga is the queen of sluts honey

Reply

Kuro_koumori | 0

#716614 - Saturday 12 December 2009 17:08

Hey, now. I actually like Lady Gaga. e_e

Reply

JustLoseIt | 0

#751480 - Sunday 3 January 2010 0:37

Naw man shes the KING of music.... Hahahah

Reply

Beatles1500 | 0

#817405 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 3:05

agreed

Reply

subnoize6969 | 0

#818169 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 8:54

that sucksssssss man

Reply

xboxsucks | 0

#823042 - Thursday 4 February 2010 1:11

lady gaga is a dude.... you know that right?

Reply

Eddie_Paints | 0

#824118 - Thursday 4 February 2010 7:53

I agree Sandwiches are awesome!!

Reply

#984877 - Monday 26 April 2010 0:57

Facebook ruins lives, get off it!

Reply

unluckyloser456 | 0

#1012745 - Sunday 30 May 2010 17:17

I LOVE THE COMIC xD

Reply

slushpup9696 | 12

#1039762 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 1:05

Sandwiches > Lady Gaga

Reply

crazyXmallie | 0

#1046518 - Monday 28 June 2010 0:15

Lady Gaga's not a transvestite, she's a hermaphrodite.

Reply

g0ldyxl0cks | 0

#1046658 - Monday 28 June 2010 3:41

Sorry and sadly I'm friends with a girl who's exhusband did this to her.

By laurabcdef | 0

#71112 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

i heard about that on the news on MSN.com

By gesseniasxangel | 0

#71114 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

That's stupid as hell.

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#71115 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

I had that happen when I was dating a douchebag once, but a MARRIAGE!?

By may_cause_fail | 0

#71116 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

How could you be married to someone like that? I'm sorry. :[

By JCGN87 | 0

#71132 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:06

HAHAHAHA YOU MUST BE A FUCKING LOSEr!

Reply

whatnow2859 | 0

#647744 - Saturday 31 October 2009 17:16

im sorry :( what a bitch

By the_walrus | 0

#71144 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:08

#6 allow it.
as 4 her-wot a slut

By Theoderage | 3

#71145 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:08

Technology is just a brand new way to get screwed over and devalue lives. I'm sorry.

By wowfmlife | 0

#71148 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:10

F
A
K
E
!

By sexyx0sandyyy | 0

#71156 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:11

aww. im sorry