Love: Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed... - FML

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

By FML Team

FML face to Facebook

FML sent You a friend request. You and FML are now friends. FML posted something on your wall "Hey You! Long time no see! Whassup?...

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By nothappywithlife / Monday 30 March 2009 21:34 / United States

Family values

Call CPS!

Surrounded

By fuckingcool - United States - Ortonville

Today, my friend was complaining to me that she's gained 20 pounds and it's all gone to her butt and boobs. Meanwhile, I've also gained 20 pounds, and it's gone straight to my stomach. She looks better than she did before. FML

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By SoftwareDev - South Africa - Johannesburg

Should've stayed home, basically

Today, after getting booked off work for being sick, I go to work anyway. On the way home, I stop by a colleagues fairwell, being the paranoid type of guy I make sure my car is locked about 3-4 times and head in. Later I get home to find my laptop has been stolen from my boot with my medication. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to visit my parents after 4 years of not seeing them. They moved without telling me. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I woke up to a flooded basement. That basement is my bedroom, so I'm completely surrounded by water. All I need is a tiger and this would be like The Life of Pi. FML

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By pretty princess - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, after months of job searching I got a job interview. I also later got a phone call from the manager informing me they burned down, and all current employees will be relocated or dismissed, and that my interview, scheduled for tomorrow, is postponed indefinitely. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, all I wanted was stress-relief sex with the guy I sleep with. Instead, I was so exhausted from my day that he thought I wasn't into it and ended up just talking to me about what we're going to do after college. Trading a booty call for a meaningful and heartfelt discussion. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - London

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

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By analinguist - United States

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML

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By ImAnEngineer - United States - Canandaigua

Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML

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By Loud - Australia

Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML

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By So I can go now then?

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my parents invited my Muslim boyfriend over for dinner for the first time. My mother made sure that everything including the salad had pork in it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife served me with divorce papers that included an accusation that I haven’t given her a decent orgasm since 1996. FML

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By Rick - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML

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By Anonymous - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML

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By booboo300

Today, I was supposed to have sex with my ex after he’d been out of town for a week. After a lot of build up and sexting last night, I woke up sick and he hurt his leg. It’s like our bodies are telling us not to sleep together. FML

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By M2thaM - United States

Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork, so I went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidentally stabbed myself in the lip, cutting it. My lunch had jalapeños in it. FML

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By khaelian - United States

Today, my girlfriend fell down the stairs and broke her ankle. She also had a bruise on her leg due to her friend biting her. I spent the night in the hospital to be there for her and support her, but I should have expected that the nurses would treat me like a criminal. FML

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By Haitwun - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend tells me she missed her period this month. I felt excited until she said, "I will let you know the results of the paternity test." I was not aware we needed a paternity test. FML

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By distracted - Canada - Victoria

Today, I went out for lunch with a guy I hadn't seen in a couple of months. He seemed to be staring at my chest quite a bit, but I wasn't too bothered by it. Turns out there was still an XL sticker on my shirt. FML

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By makayta - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a coworker asked me how I was because I looked down. I said, "You don't want to know." They replied, "You're right, I don't," and walked off. FML

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By failed brood mare - United States - Hollywood

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

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By Fcuked - New Zealand

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

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By the bad artist - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a "diamond ring" in Mafia Wars (a facebook app) from my boyfriend of 3 years. Along with the ring came a message. It read, "Will you marry me?" He was serious. FML

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By mandy - United States

Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evansville

Today, I met my husband's family for the first time. My nightmare versions were better. FML

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By Kait - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I went on a Tinder date. Sort of. I got ready and went to the bar he'd chosen. I waited 15 minutes for him to show. We exchanged ”Hellos,” then he said he was going to grab a drink and walked off. He didn’t come back. Damn, was it the way I said, “Hello”? FML

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By er1133 - Canada

Today, I walk out of my apartment to find that my car is decorated with explicit drawings and "Happy 21st birthday" stuff written all over it. To top it off, my vehicle is completely wrapped in plastic wrap. I'm 22 and my birthday is in December. FML

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By prickly - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lying on the floor playing with my cat. I was holding her in the air, when my sister tripped over the TV cord and unplugged the cable. The TV made a loud fuzzy sound, I got scared and threw my cat in the air. I got scratched in the face by a falling cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking down the hall of my old school, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Behind the faculty parking lot where I parked my truck, two students were having sex on my tailgate. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we found out the god-awful smell in our truck was actually coming from the whole uncooked chicken I thought the store forgot to ring up over 2 weeks ago. It had fallen out of the bag and under the passenger seat. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I decided to use hand sanitizer to mask the smell of my armpits at work. Not only did it intensify the stench, my boss thinks I have a drinking problem, because I vaguely smelled of alcohol. I was too embarrassed to explain. FML

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By Alexis - United States

Classy.

Today, I spent 12 hours in an airport rather than go back to the apartment of the man I traveled to see for the weekend. Instead of wine, dine, sixty-nine, he took me to a tailgating event and introduced me to two girls he had a threesome with. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my friend's 11 year old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

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Top comments

By lancewell | 0

#71111 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:01

thats a real kick in the junk.facebook screws everyone over..

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#71115 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

I had that happen when I was dating a douchebag once, but a MARRIAGE!?

COMMENTS

By lancewell | 0

#71111 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:01

thats a real kick in the junk.facebook screws everyone over..

Reply

mohomonopoly | 0

#647813 - Saturday 31 October 2009 18:17

Except lady gaga. Facebook helped that skeezebag's career.

Reply

Leon_S_Kennedy | 0

#648059 - Saturday 31 October 2009 21:05

queen to who? The tone deaf?

Reply

Nathaney | 0

#648089 - Saturday 31 October 2009 21:23

OWNED

Reply

Kristoffer | 34

#648135 - Saturday 31 October 2009 21:51

Lada Gaga isn't a bad singer but she's completely around the bend.

Reply

nam3 | 0

#648208 - Saturday 31 October 2009 22:27

i wuld do lady gaga

Reply

LongJohnnie5 | 0

#648505 - Sunday 1 November 2009 2:36

You would really do the gaga? Well lucky for you, shes got both lady parts and men parts, so you can pick and choose!

Reply

Hazy_fml | 0

#649103 - Sunday 1 November 2009 13:15

#199
The only thing Lady Gaga will be doing is pushing music back into the realm of the surreal, especially after all the hard work and many years it took for music to develop as "culturally stable."

This, of course, could be interpreted as both good and/or bad.

Reply

Penetration | 0

#650236 - Monday 2 November 2009 4:06

Sandwiches make everything better.

Reply

cutiepie87 | 0

#650280 - Monday 2 November 2009 4:36

WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT LADY GAGA!

Reply

gu355_wh0 | 0

#650539 - Monday 2 November 2009 9:12

what are you a transvestite too?

Reply

allie2590 | 30

#651024 - Monday 2 November 2009 19:02

No, I'm pretty sure it's the people screwing everyone over, not Facebook.

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#653289 - Wednesday 4 November 2009 2:11

Oooooh!

Reply

sarcasticbitch | 7

#656680 - Thursday 5 November 2009 23:09

lady gaga is a male!

Reply

F___My_Life15 | 0

#657014 - Friday 6 November 2009 3:06

all she does is repeat words for the whole song its not even music anymore its like a broken record playing over and over again

Reply

SiLvEr_070 | 5

#657350 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:26

True. She scares me a little bit, caus of everyone thinking she's a man and all. =]

Reply

cashzmere09 | 0

#667594 - Thursday 12 November 2009 9:50

lady gaga is the queen of sluts honey

Reply

Kuro_koumori | 0

#716614 - Saturday 12 December 2009 17:08

Hey, now. I actually like Lady Gaga. e_e

Reply

JustLoseIt | 0

#751480 - Sunday 3 January 2010 0:37

Naw man shes the KING of music.... Hahahah

Reply

Beatles1500 | 0

#817405 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 3:05

agreed

Reply

subnoize6969 | 0

#818169 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 8:54

that sucksssssss man

Reply

xboxsucks | 0

#823042 - Thursday 4 February 2010 1:11

lady gaga is a dude.... you know that right?

Reply

Eddie_Paints | 0

#824118 - Thursday 4 February 2010 7:53

I agree Sandwiches are awesome!!

Reply

Roflmaaark | 0

#984877 - Monday 26 April 2010 0:57

Facebook ruins lives, get off it!

Reply

unluckyloser456 | 0

#1012745 - Sunday 30 May 2010 17:17

I LOVE THE COMIC xD

Reply

slushpup9696 | 12

#1039762 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 1:05

Sandwiches > Lady Gaga

Reply

crazyXmallie | 0

#1046518 - Monday 28 June 2010 0:15

Lady Gaga's not a transvestite, she's a hermaphrodite.

Reply

g0ldyxl0cks | 0

#1046658 - Monday 28 June 2010 3:41

Sorry and sadly I'm friends with a girl who's exhusband did this to her.

By laurabcdef | 0

#71112 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

i heard about that on the news on MSN.com

By gesseniasxangel | 0

#71114 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

That's stupid as hell.

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#71115 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

I had that happen when I was dating a douchebag once, but a MARRIAGE!?

By may_cause_fail | 0

#71116 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:02

How could you be married to someone like that? I'm sorry. :[

By JCGN87 | 0

#71132 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:06

HAHAHAHA YOU MUST BE A FUCKING LOSEr!

Reply

whatnow2859 | 0

#647744 - Saturday 31 October 2009 17:16

im sorry :( what a bitch

By the_walrus | 0

#71144 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:08

#6 allow it.
as 4 her-wot a slut

By Theoderage | 3

#71145 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:08

Technology is just a brand new way to get screwed over and devalue lives. I'm sorry.

By wowfmlife | 0

#71148 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:10

F
A
K
E
!

By sexyx0sandyyy | 0

#71156 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:11

aww. im sorry