Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML
Today, I started doing a striptease for my husband. He asked me to stop. FML
Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML
Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML
Today, I found out that if you don't clean the inside of your sonicare toothbrush, it can grow masses of fungus. I've been brushing my teeth with a vibrating mushroom for the past 5 months. FML
Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML
Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML
Today, the guy I hooked up with last weekend texted me that I needed to "landscape my front lawn." FML
Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML
Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML
Today, my mom walked me to school to make sure I don't cut class. I'm 20 years old. FML
Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML
Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML
Today, my neighbor came up to me, lowered her voice and said, "I suggest you buy some drapes for your bedroom dear..." When she started to walk away, she added, "...and a gym membership." FML
Today, my 8 year-old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, with only a Santa hat on. FML
Today, I found out why I had been waking up feeling like crap for the past week. I found tufts of cat fur in my pillow case, and I am allergic to cats. My little brother thought I would get so sick, and he could have my XBox. FML
Today, I was recovering from an operation. After I felt better, I checked my phone. There were 35 missed calls and angry text messages from my boyfriend asking why I wasn't at his house to cook his dinner. FML
Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said, "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML
Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML
Today, whilst at my awards night, I got a boner, right as it was my turn to accept my award. To avoid a awkward situation, I flipped it up and under my belt. This failed to make the situation any less awkward, because the head of my penis poked out through my shirt, in plain view of the audience. FML
Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test, saying, "Well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML
Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML
Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML
Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML
Today, I was on my way home on an airplane. The guy I had to sit next to was reading a book with naked girls in it. About 15 minutes into the flight, he had an erection and started to giggle. It was a 2 hour flight. FML
Today, I ate what was supposed to be a delicious mini powdered donut. The first one tasted funny, so I pulled out another one and realized that the powdered sugar was now in fact powdered hairy mold. Then I looked at the package and realized it was over a year and a half old. FML
Today, I walked in on my dad touching his knob, in the kitchen, while cooking. FML
Today, I grabbed a handful of crackers from the kitchen, only to find it crawling with bugs. Apparently, my brother had made the same discovery earlier, but put the box of crackers back in the cupboard anyway. FML
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