pipinya

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

Good night!

Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML

Today, I was speaking to an old friend and I asked her how her mother was. She replied, "She passed away, you came to her funeral last month." FML

Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

Today, I was so busy checking my phone for live bus arrival times I didn't notice the bus pull up, let the people beside me on, and drive away. FML

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

Today, I got my score back for the monologue I performed. I got points taken off for "seeming nervous." My character was supposed to be nervous. FML

Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML

Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML

Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

Rolling toilet

Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML

Today, my hatred for IKEA reignited when I rammed my knee into my hotel bathroom's plexiglass counter top while I was drying myself off. Their interior designer must have have been suffering brain damage when she matched everything with the floor tiles. FML

Today, I went to help a friend move into her new apartment. We were half-way through when it started to rain, and in my anger I yelled that it's like these things happen just to annoy me. Then we heard the tornado sirens. FML

Today, I installed an alarm app on my phone. Turns out, to unlock the phone and get the ringing to stop, I have to answer a maths question. It took me ten minutes to get it right. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML

Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML

You'll get the hang of it

Today, I went driving for the first time. I made it twenty miles to my stepmom's house, and didn't stop until I was inside the garage. Too bad the garage door was closed when I got there. FML

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML