Miss 25 years-old
Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML
Today, as I was getting out of my car, an old and obese lady walked up to me and called me an "inconsiderate heartless bitch" for using the last handicap parking spot. I guess she didn't see my wheelchair. FML
Today, while wiping my ass, the broken finger that has been set straight dipped into the toilet and touched a turd. This keeps happening since I broke it, and I'm sure it will again. FML
Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML
Today, my dad told me I was folding my laundry all wrong. I said with a smirk, "A little clothes-minded, are we?" He slapped me. Hard. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. He showed up in a shirt that read, "I F*ck On First Dates". FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML
Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML
Today, I sent my girlfriend a request to confirm our relationship on Facebook. She accepted, then changed her screen name into "His Hand". FML
Today, I won a gruelling fitness competition, only to find out the mystery prize was a voucher to get 10 free spray tans. I'm black. FML
Today, I got my first compliment in over a year. It was from my gynecologist, saying I have a beautiful cervix. FML
Today, I stumbled across one of my son's English assignments. Apparently, he decided to submit a haiku about how electrical outlets are technically "whores" because they hook up with countless cords for a "charge." I don't know whether to be amused or furious. FML
Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Today, I beat my boyfriend in a video game. He promptly dumped me and told me to leave. FML
Today, our band had a road trip. Two people chose to stack themselves on top of each other to share a seat rather than sit in the last seat next to me. FML
Today, a council worker showed up on my doorstep for the final pool installation inspection, which was scheduled 10 years ago. FML
Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML
Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML
Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML
Today, my girlfriend of a week showed me her talent: shooting milk out of her vagina across the room. Goodbye dairy products. FML
Today, I used a tanning bed for the first time ever, in an attempt to get a base tan for the summer. No one bothered to warn me that you shouldn't go the full ten minutes your first time. Now my skin is as red as my hair. FML
Today, I had to ask one of my coworkers if we were supposed to return a client's teeth to her. I work at a jewellery store. FML
Today, I found out my mom put breast milk in my cereal until I was 7 years old. FML
Today, I felt pretty. As I deal with a severe anxiety and depression, I was proud of myself. All until a little girl asked: "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML
Today, I woke up to my little sister strangling me. My parents accused me of making the red marks on my throat myself to exaggerate how bad it was. She's just "going through a phase", they say, and I'm a bad person for punching her to get her off me. FML
Today, I tried to work on my attitude at work. People say I'm mean, so I tried to be nice all day. Apparently I'm now condescending. FML
Today, I learned one of life's great lessons: it is possible to squeeze a Ketchup bottle so hard that the plastic breaks and everything lands on your face. FML
Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML
Today, I realized that a classmate and I have the same glasses. To prove it, I tried bending his glasses, since mine are flexible and can bend. I snapped his glasses in half. FML
Today, my crackhead neighbour got slightly annoyed at my 2-day-old daughter's late-night wailing. Well, I think so, anyway, as she politely requested us to "SHUT THAT CUNT KID UP." or she would "BLOW BOTH OUR HOUSES UP, YOU FUCKING ASSFUCKS." But I'm not 100% sure. FML
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