BlankUs3r

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

Today, I was trying to convince a friend that even though I'm blonde, I'm not the oblivious or stupid moron everyone apparently thinks I am. Then I smacked face-first into a glass door. FML

La la land

Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML

Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

Too many JCS videos

Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML

Tickle time

Today, I told my boyfriend to stop tickling me, since I absolutely hate being tickled. He got extremely pissed at me and left the room. It took me a full five minutes to realize that I'd called him by my ex's name. FML

Nice!

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

The spirit world

Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom and her friends comparing the differences in their nipples. FML

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

Bad aim

Today, my doctor asked for a urine sample. It's the first time I've tried to cup my own pee. Despite the fact that I'm a woman, I managed to aim wrong, and sprayed the floor, hit the door and my handbag with my own pee. FML

Today, I got a text message from a number I don't know saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm cheating on you, I couldn't do this in person because you're ugly when you cry." I haven't had a relationship in 6 years and I still manage to get dumped. FML

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML

Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was hanging around with his sister as I didn't know anyone. She was talking to some friends when one of them asked her, "So, is your brother still going out with that crazy chick?" Her answer was to introduce me. FML

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML

Today, my boyfriend kept falling asleep while he was at my house with me. I tried to have sex with him to help wake him up, but he said he was too tired and fell back asleep. Five minutes later, my friend walks in the room with food. He woke up from the smell and got up to get some for himself. FML

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

Nasty

Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

Today, I shat a magnet. FML

Taking it too far

Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML

Today, the boys who sit at my math table decided it would be funny to throw broken pencils at my boobs to see if they were real. They did this the entire class period. I have to work with this group for the rest of the school year. FML

Today, as I was training a new guy at work, my husband spent half the day creeping outside in his truck. FML