Miss 30 years-old Single
Today, I was taking a shower. My mom thinks it's ok to just walk in on someone when they are in there so she decides to take a crap. The worst part is she thought it would be less awkward to talk to me. FML
Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML
Today, my English teacher kicked me out of class for being "rude and disruptive." In actuality, I had called her out for having blatantly used Google Translate for several example sentences, all of which sounded as if a semi-literate foreigner had constructed them. FML
Today, I was running late and couldn't find my purse anywhere. My sleep-deprived brain came up with the brilliant idea of trying to phone it. FML
Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML
Today, I was using a public toilet when someone entered the stall next to mine. Instead of using the facilities, the person in there reached under the stall to steal my bag. Fortunately, I was holding the strap so they couldn't take it. Unfortunately, they decided to take my right shoe instead. FML
Today, I woke up to a weird feeling on my face. Thinking it was a bug, I slapped at it. It was my freshly-inserted nose ring. FML
Today, my boyfriend brought up the time he said he'd love me until the day he died. He continued by saying, "So, let's just pretend I died today." FML
Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML
Today, I was so out of it from a lack of sleep and an accidental antihistamine overdose, I tried to offer my cat a cup of tea, and actually got pissed off when he didn't reply. It took me a good five minutes to understand what just happened. FML
Today, my friend told me she was going to start drinking Gatorade, so she could get the body shape of the athletes on TV. When I tried to explain to her that she'd also need to work out to achieve this, she went nuts and hurled the bottle at my face. FML
Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML
Today, I let my imbecile of a brother borrow my car. The keys to his car are now jammed into the ignition of mine. FML
Today, I was lecturing my high school students on the importance of a good education. I pointed out the janitor in the hall and told them if they didn't stay in school, they'd end up like him. Then one of my students raised her hand and reminded me that the janitor I pointed to was her dad. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought he could make a pregnancy test read positive by jizzing on it. FML
Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML
Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML
Today, I had my end of year physics exam. I wasn't sure about some stuff, so I hid my notes and textbook in the bathroom. Halfway through, I got up, went to the bathroom, and as soon as I picked up the book, forgot what I was looking for. I can't even cheat right. FML
Today, I woke up at 5 am to the voices of my husband, who I gave my blessing to go out last night, and his buddies entering our apartment. They came here because the buddy who had planned to house them had no beer. They are drunk, drinking on our porch, shaving my husband's head. FML
Today, my dad got drunk and played a practical joke on me; a practical joke that resulted in my knee being broken. Now, I'm sitting in a hospital bed all alone while my dad hunts for "hot nurses". FML
Today, I woke up early and spent hours baking and icing a three-tier cake for my friend's eighteenth birthday, which is this evening. I just found out my mother threw it in the compost bin because she's on a diet and it was "tempting" her. FML
Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML
Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML
Today, my mom and I somehow got into a serious argument over the ethics of capturing and training Pokémon. FML
Today, I had a violent sneezing attack while changing my phone's password and now I have no idea what it could be. FML
Today, I went to eat out. When I sat down, I realized I forgot my straw. I took my purse with me, not wanting it to get stolen. Someone stole my food instead. FML
Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except that when he did, he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML
Today, I walked in to my apartment to see my husband sitting there with his toes painted pink. When I asked him why, he said, "I wanted to feel pretty." This is the man who is about to be the father of my child. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me what turns her on: cheese. FML
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