Mr Cat City 37 years-old Single
Today, I lost control of my car on a patch of ice and slid off the road, messing up my car. I was working on a news story about bad road conditions. FML
Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that I was the one. Not at this moment though, he wants to see how far he can go with his best female friend. But once he's done with her, we can be together. FML
Today, I took a bus to the city. When I sat down, my hand accidentally slapped again the knee of the guy sitting next to me. I apologized. He responded, "It's just a knee," and started stroking mine. This lasted the entire ride. FML
Today, I had to console my bawling 6-year-old son and explain that his sister was lying when she told him that when boys in our family turn 13, they turn into girls. I'm not sure who disappoints me more right now. FML
Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML
Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML
Today, while taking a bus full of loud, rambunctious elementary children to school, the bus slowly slid off the road into a ditch. After waiting 30 minutes that felt like hours, I saw the tow truck arriving from the opposite direction also slide slowly off the roadway into the opposite ditch. FML
Today, on my way to the dentist, I got rear ended by my own dentist. FML
Today, my boss mistakenly drunk-texted me and was talking shit about me. FML
Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML
Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML
Today, I found out that my friends only hang out with me so they can play with my dog. FML
Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML
Today, a girl I like asked me to a concert, saying she had an extra ticket. I ended up being the third wheel with her and her boyfriend. I had to pay $60 for the ticket too. FML
Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML
Today, I got an expensive drone for my birthday. My brother got a BB gun and thought it would be hilarious to shoot my drone with it while I was flying it. FML
Today, while at the movies, I started making my way to the end of the row so I could pee. Others moved to make room except for a man at the end. As I tried to climb over him, I tripped and fell on top of him. When I told him I was sorry, he just smiled and said, "Mmm, don't be. I enjoyed it." FML
Today, I got a note from my son's kindergarten teacher. During free time yesterday, he told her, "Mommy was stripping". I was indeed stripping. Paint that is. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes. FML
Today, I brought my best friend to the strip club as a birthday gift, as he had mentioned that he'd never been to one before. It might have been ruined by the discovery that his daughter had a new job. FML
Today, my cat jumped out a fourth-story window when I went to pet her. FML
Today, during sex, I somehow sneezed hard enough to really hurt my neck and shoulder. But don't worry, writhing in pain doesn't ruin the mood. My boyfriend just kept going. FML
Today, I was scrolling through a bunch of old posts that my boyfriend's ex had posted about me on Facebook from a fake account she used to stalk and harass me for months. It was then that I figured out that one of my friends and my mother had been helping her the whole time. FML
Today, I agreed to catsit for a friend. Her cat rode back to my house sitting on my shoulder in the car. As soon as I opened the door, he jumped out and ran off into the woods. It's been 2 1/2 hours and not even food will entice him back to me. FML
Today, I vomited so hard into the toilet that the water splashed back into my face. I instinctually moved away only to finish puking on the floor. FML
Today, I was using my iPad for a presentation. I locked it and left it connected to the projector while I prepared to present. When I turned around to begin, I realized there had been a push notification from Groupon asking if I was still interested in a dildo. FML
Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML
Today, my extremely inebriated boyfriend casually mentioned that he wished I had a penis. FML
Today, I was walking hand in hand with my partner when we met a friend of mine and his two kids. We talked a bit, and his son kept staring at us. The boy then asked me: “Is he your dad?” No, my partner is simply 19 years older than me. And my Oedipus complex is fine, thanks. FML
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