Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from...

By noooooo - United States - Bainbridge

Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML

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Animals

Season finale

Like riding a bike

Craft beer bores

By rackman007 - United States

Today, I was wearing my new sunglasses while watching a basketball game. A pretty hot looking girl was sitting a few spots next to me so I stared at her breasts. A few minutes later, I looked up at her face and she was looking at me in disgust. It turns out that my sunglasses were see through. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 02:00 - United States - Bronx

More faces than Khloé Kardashian

Today, my mom told me she'd scheduled me for a cleaning with my hometown dentist. When I reminded her that, according to my university's COVID guidelines, students shouldn't leave the county unless there's an emergency, she threw a hissy fit and told me I'm being "combative" and "looking for an excuse to fight." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lebanon

Today, I found out that I am allergic to one of the preservatives that they put in aloe. I found this out after I put some on a severe sunburn I have. Not only am I sunburned, but now I am severely itchy as well. FML

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By Kamburgler - United States

Today, this really cute guy at work kept flirting with me and cracking the funniest jokes. Before he left, he told me how much he enjoyed making me smile. An hour later, I saw my reflection in a mirror, I had a huge piece of food stuck in my teeth. FML

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By baffled - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I had to slowly explain to my best friend that when babies are born, the umbilical cord is attached to the baby's belly-button, not the mother's. FML

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By nosleep - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML

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By eaglesmile - India - Mumbai

Today, during work hours, I took time off and discreetly went for an interview for a prospective job at our rival company. As soon as I reached the place, I bumped into my current boss. FML

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By ExtendedVacation - United States

Today, I submitted a vacation request to my manager and it was approved. I came back from lunch and was informed that I have been let go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I horribly lost a game of basketball against my dad. It wouldn't have been so humiliating if he hadn't been piss drunk at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

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By Anonymous - Korea, Republic of - Pyongtaek

Today, I broke it off with my mistress so that I could work on my marriage. Shortly after, my wife received an anonymous message saying that I was unfaithful. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he thought he heard another guy in the room when he called me, and that I'm cheating on him. The guy he heard was a character from a cartoon my sister was watching. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a month after my 21st birthday, I received my health exam results. I don't remember the night of the birthday because I was hammered. However, I called my friend and it's now clear that the stripper they paid to have her way with me, had Chlamydia. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntsville

Today, after a week of my new neighbor constantly yelling in his native language, I finally complained about the noise. Turns out that's just his normal talking voice. Goodbye sleep. FML

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By sonwhy - United States - Brookfield

Today, I found out that my son set up a telescope in the attic not so he could study astronomy like he told me, but so he could spy on the girl across the street. FML

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By Rohirus - Sweden

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I quit smoking. My son came home with an ashtray he made in arts and crafts class. FML

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By ollie179 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

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By wittlegirl - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

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By Jeremy - United States

Today, I was getting it on with a girl I've been talking to for three months. She's a year younger than me and it was her first time. So, I went easy. After five minutes she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said I remind her of her dad. FML

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By ohnolunch - United States

Today, I came back to my apartment to see that my roommate had left out bread, deli meat, and cheese on the counter, and made myself a sandwich. When she came back, she informs me that she found bugs in the fridge and took out all the food she thought would be contaminated. FML

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By NoKeyNoCar - United States

Today, I rented a car that has a smart key. The proximity of the key determines if the doors will unlock. I went to a meeting and returned to the car with the trunk popped open and all my luggage gone. The rental company decided to store a spare key in the glovebox for safe keeping. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2020 14:00

Littered

Today, I'm on crutches and wearing an orthopedic boot because a 22.5 pound box of cat litter fell out of my back hatch onto my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomfield

Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML

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By dumpedattheclub - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raised her hand. FML

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By frmitalywithlove - United States

Today, my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage. I'm 4'10. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, I found out that my best friend used the sexy dance moves she asked me to teach her to get into my ex-boyfriend’s pants. We dated for two years and broke up less than a week ago. FML

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By taptheturtle - United States

Today, I was waiting in the lobby of a modeling agency for my interview to be a potential model and I was next in line. They called "NEXT!" and I walked in with a smile on my face. They stared at my face for a moment and then started yelling "NEXT". FML

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By Anonymous - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, I finished a 700-page book for my law exam. It was the wrong book. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was complaining that we don't have "a song". Irritated, I told her that I'd put on the radio, and whatever song was playing was our song from now on. I switched on the radio, and "It's Not Fair" by Lily Allen was playing. Our song is about premature ejaculation. FML

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By Pain - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my cigarette down my shirt. There are now two unsightly, painful burns right in the center of my chest. FML

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By swirkishly - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

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By Teste - Spain

Today, I passed by a cute girl who was staring intensely at me. When I glanced in her direction, she smiled. Taking this as a positive sign, I approached her. Before I could say anything, she handed me a flyer explaining the benefits of STD testing. Apparently, I look like I need it. FML

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By ........................... - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I helped my buddy write a sweet love letter to his girlfriend. After reading it, she dumped him for being an "Edward Cullen wannabe", and when my girlfriend found out, she dumped me for "cheating" on her by writing the letter in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my new job at a small business. I was pretty excited to finally be working, until I found out the big boss is a creeper and sees no problem making comments such as "You're way more interesting than the rest of these slope-eyed fucks." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend's job to ask him a question. His co-worker answered the phone, and when I asked for my boyfriend, he assumed I was someone else. Who exactly would that someone else be? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Humble

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

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By sigh - United States

Today, my boyfriend got upset after I politely asked him to do the laundry. He takes every chance he gets to act macho and brag to people about how he's in the Marines, but apparently he is too much of a pussy to act like a man and clean his own clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down, but I managed to catch it between my legs. So my knitting needles also caught me. FML

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Top comments

By LittleGina | 8

#6542467 - Monday 22 February 2016 10:04

This is definitely the funniest FML I've seen in a while. It actually made me LOL.

By AmberNowaki | 21

#6542465 - Monday 22 February 2016 10:02

Hopefully the dogs weren't eating anything that made it smell worse.

COMMENTS

By AmberNowaki | 21

#6542465 - Monday 22 February 2016 10:02

Hopefully the dogs weren't eating anything that made it smell worse.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6542493 - Monday 22 February 2016 10:52

You mean like dog food?
Is there honestly anything that smells worse than dog farts?

MisterEx | 28

#6542505 - Monday 22 February 2016 11:23

Cat urine.

fakedsincerity | 32

#6542543 - Monday 22 February 2016 13:25

liver makes dog farts so much worst and stinkier. im sure other foods do too.

AmberNowaki | 21

#6542881 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 0:24

Wet do food or any kind of meat makes it worse than ever.

By LittleGina | 8

#6542467 - Monday 22 February 2016 10:04

This is definitely the funniest FML I've seen in a while. It actually made me LOL.

By kayposion | 17

#6542470 - Monday 22 February 2016 10:06

that's ruff

a_random_turtle | 7

#6542949 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 5:07

leave.

By wastedpenguin | 14

#6542472 - Monday 22 February 2016 10:09

That's literally me and my dogs

Stxsyh | 30

#6542524 - Monday 22 February 2016 12:26

You and your dogs stress-fart, too?

milehigh52 | 22

#6542740 - Monday 22 February 2016 20:28

I'm really glad that you said literally. I'm sure many of us would've thought you were speaking figuratively without it.

By anonymous198913 | 26

#6542474 - Monday 22 February 2016 10:15

At least, when you get out, everything will smell fresh.

YourGrammarSucks | 12

#6542984 - Tuesday 23 February 2016 7:07

Except for OP; OP will smell like dog farts.

By __doge__ | 15

#6542479 - Monday 22 February 2016 10:28

It might be the guy

AmberNowaki | 21

#6544008 - Wednesday 24 February 2016 11:07

That would be pretty hilarious, but I think they wouldn't be able to smell them from there.

By brittanywashere | 14

#6542500 - Monday 22 February 2016 11:17

Dog farts are the worst. I send my condolences.

By suznmar | 16

#6542501 - Monday 22 February 2016 11:18

I don't understand why you don't just leave the room and keep the dogs shut away... They're dogs not toddlers

pandemonium307 | 10

#6542503 - Monday 22 February 2016 11:21

With teeth and claws that made destroy a door...

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6542620 - Monday 22 February 2016 15:45

Or they may bark like crazy and it's easier for her to be in there with them to calm them down than have them barking non-stop.

By bronz | 15

#6542506 - Monday 22 February 2016 11:23

I didn't even know dogs could do this.

By SweetestHeart93 | 18

#6542511 - Monday 22 February 2016 11:41

well at least they arent pooping themselves into a frenzy