Miss Single
Today, I was working with some shelter puppies transporting them to the vet's. I got all of the puppies in but one, and when I went to pull him out, I realized he had gotten car sick. Before I could stop it happening, he wagged his vomit-covered tail and hit me in the face. FML
Today, my boss fired me because I corrected him after he misspoke during a meeting. FML
Today, I'm on holiday in Vietnam, and was wearing a new shirt. In a restaurant, the waitress pointed at my shirt and said something I couldn't understand, so I just smiled and nodded my head. She then gave me a weird look and walked away. Turns out there was a huge spider on it. FML
Today, my coworker insisted there must be an underlying, romantic reason for why I spend so much time teaching him everything, and that I didn't mean it when I told him that's what I'm paid to do. I'm actually supposed to train this guy for three weeks. Two more weeks to go. FML
Today, I found out the real reason why my brother wasn't at his fiancé's Halloween party. He's been in jail for the past 3 months. When was anyone going to tell me? FML
Today, I told my best friend that I liked him and have liked him for a long time. His response was "That's cool. So, when did you get a cat?" FML
Today, I went on the first date of my life. I also burped during my first kiss. FML
Today, I found out that my sister is going to spend the last two months of her pregnancy in my house to be with my mother. She's bringing her three wild children with her. The visit also happens to coincide with my end of year examinations in May and June. FML
Today, I got demoted from my manager's position, only to be replaced by a 21 year-old who has never worked in retail in her life. I now have to spend the next month teaching her my job so they can fire me. FML
Today, while at a school anti-drugs assembly, the speaker asked everyone to stand up if they knew someone who had died of an overdose. As I stood up, my friend hit me in the side, making me laugh. I stood frozen under accusing glares while the speaker bitched me out for a good 5 minutes. FML
Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked if I had a late night, so I told him I stayed in. Apparently I ran into him at a bar last night and was too drunk to remember it. FML
Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML
Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML
Today, after an extremely hard day at work, I took a hot shower to wind down a little bit. I accidentally splashed a painful amount of hot water and shampoo in my eyes. My left contact is now stuck to my eyeball. FML
Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML
Today, I blacked out going up a roller coaster. Instead of helping me, my friend took pictures of my face and posted them on Facebook. FML
Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML
Today, I was working at a retirement center, when an old woman came to me and asked if I would like her old clothes. I politely said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a guy." She then said, "You could have just said no, instead of rudely lying to me." FML
Today, the girl I love made me text my best friend how much she loved him. This because her phone died. I was at the movies with her on our date. FML
Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. I was crying for over an hour in my room. My dad came in and asked what was wrong. Just as I was about to tell him, he stops me and simply says, "Oh, honey. I don't care… Just keep the noise down." Then walks out. FML
Today, my boyfriend threw me into his pool. I had my phone and iPod in my pockets. FML
Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML
Today, I went to a bar with some friends when my wife texted me asking where I was. Not wanting her to know I was at a bar, I told her I was still at work. She was sitting in the booth behind me. FML
Today, my six year-old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML
Today, I overheard my boss stressing out over finding a replacement for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML
Today, I finally told my crush that I like her. She said she could never date me, because apparently, "My best friend likes you." Her best friend is my step-sister. FML
Today, I took a major test, worth half my grade, not realizing that there were questions on the back of the sheet. FML
Today, I sat on the toilet and fell off as the broken toilet seat slid off. As I fell, I grabbed the light cord in an effort to stop myself, and pulled it out of the ceiling. Now I can't use the toilet, and have to shower in the dark. FML
Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML
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