Miscellaneous: Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he...

By K. - 07/05/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 788

You deserved it 3 705

Miscellaneous

Barf

Thanks, dad

Tinder surprise

By Fairymyass - 17/07/2011 16:01 - United Kingdom

Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 856

You deserved it 4 486

By "clumsycat" - 30/06/2017 15:54

Today, I thought my water had broken. I had actually just peed myself when the baby moved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 256

You deserved it 360

By Itsnotmeitsyou - 11/10/2013 06:09 - Australia

Today, the creepy regular customer found out I was lying about having a boyfriend in order to keep him away. He now thinks this is me playing hard to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 880

You deserved it 5 071

By Anonymous - 10/02/2016 16:57 - United States - Avon

Today, there was an issue with the sewage system at work. It smelled like somebody took a turd, left it in the sun to marinate, threw up on it, then put in the air conditioning to fill the store with nauseating stink. I nearly threw up multiple times because we weren't allowed to leave early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 236

You deserved it 1 365

By Anonymous - 30/01/2015 12:49

Today, I'm on a train, feeling good because I got upgraded to first class. The man opposite me just slid me a note saying, "Wee plooky cunt, fuck off!" Charming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 244

You deserved it 2 345

By foxyreegan - 04/02/2012 05:22 - United States

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 862

You deserved it 3 403

Doomed

By SweptWolf - 06/06/2020 23:02

Today, my fiancée handed me her engagement ring back and told me she felt like she's pressuring me into marriage, so to make me feel better about it we’re no longer engaged. On top of this, I found out she’s started talking to her ex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 977

You deserved it 151

By Anonymous - 06/06/2012 16:25 - United States - Bucyrus

Today, I told my mom I was finally going on a diet. She let me know how proud she is of me fighting temptation, by making my favorite cookies and dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 090

You deserved it 2 640

By Anonymous - 11/01/2017 14:44

Today, I had to follow a diversion route home due to roadworks. It took me an hour longer than usual to get home. Too bad it turns out that the diversion was only for traffic, not people walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 755

You deserved it 6 247

By Anonymous - 11/01/2010 08:09 - United States

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 852

You deserved it 11 184

By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 02:00 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad was supposed to take me to get a tattoo, but instead he went to the bar, got drunk, and told me how I was the biggest mistake he and my mom have ever made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 703

You deserved it 3 964

By ohseven6421 - 03/09/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 085

You deserved it 78 871

By Pierce - 05/06/2009 16:56 - United States

Today, I was with my 14 year old son when we saw a baby sparrow being attacked by four or five blackbirds. We rushed up, waving our arms and scared away the much bigger attackers. The baby sparrow ran toward us for protection, then went past both of us and ran straight down a storm sewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 793

You deserved it 4 463

By Mojo0608 - 02/11/2014 21:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my 16-year-old brother once again scored well at a local archery competition. He got home and, once again, unleashed his "spectacular aim" at the toilet - or rather the toilet seat and surrounding floor. He refuses to clean the bathroom we share every single time he does this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 173

You deserved it 2 520

By accident - 14/02/2014 22:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 926

You deserved it 5 786

By Misty3242 - 06/02/2010 08:15 - United States

Today, my little sister asked me what she would look like when she got older. I told her that she would probably look a lot like me. She started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 535

You deserved it 4 113

Fucknut

By pikapikafuckyou! - 19/07/2020 08:01

Today, my overly religious fucknut of a cousin called me, ranting about my daughter trying to corrupt hers. They were chatting on a kids' messenger app when my 5-year-old sent her 7-year-old a Pokémon sticker. Apparently, Pokémon in satanic and we ought to know better. Now she won’t let them talk to us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 148

By dumped - 01/07/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 474

You deserved it 4 688

By sorrygranny - 21/01/2013 16:11 - United States

Today, I was at the gas station with my grandma. After I slid her card and began to pump, I convinced her that it was a lot easier and more convenient to pay at the pump with your credit card instead of paying inside. She yelled as I realized I went $20 over what she had to spend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 082

You deserved it 41 273

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 11:37 - United States

Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 687

You deserved it 13 751

By nuerrotticc - 06/01/2011 08:58

Today, I had a panic attack at 2am because someone decided to throw a snowball at my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 483

You deserved it 6 691

By wtf bro?! - 07/05/2019 12:00

Today, I got a Facebook message from a guy from my old school. I didn’t remember him, but I replied anyway. When I checked my phone after work, I had 73 new messages that went from, “How have you been?” to, “Fuck you ugly cockteasing whore,” and ended with, “You better hope I don’t catch you!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 263

You deserved it 153

That's tasty

By shithole - 26/12/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, my dad and I found in my house a water filter that has not been changed in over 20 years. We have been drinking that water that has been going through a filter that had more colors than a rainbow on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 077

You deserved it 9 130

By Anonymous - 28/09/2013 11:44 - United States

Today, I found out this girl I had sex with lied to me. They weren't razor burn bumps. And I now have them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 621

You deserved it 40 234

By AudreyUs - 10/12/2008 19:31 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. We started getting a little frisky when we discovered we out of condoms. After a quick run to the store, we found ourselves locked out of the house. Now we have condoms, but no way to use them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 373

You deserved it 18 314

By Fack. - 19/02/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I told my long-distance girlfriend that I just could not handle the distance and we should just be friends. To which she responded, "What? You thought we were going out? Lol". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 916

You deserved it 8 625

By Anonymous - 17/03/2011 22:39 - Dominican Republic

Today, my expensive, multi-feature, water proof watch was destroyed... by water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 678

You deserved it 7 172

By leeseyxoxo - 27/03/2011 06:10 - United States

Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 065

You deserved it 5 176

By wellfuck - 15/07/2016 23:04 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I got a call from a job I had applied for. Everything went great until I realized I had applied to the wrong location, across town. I'm so broke, I went to the interview anyway. It will cost me more to pay for the gas to drive there to work, than what I will actually make. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 980

You deserved it 2 219

By gnafron - 31/12/2013 11:30 - France - Grenoble

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 888

You deserved it 14 932

By Anonymous - 08/06/2016 19:26 - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 832

You deserved it 1 202

By Nose Numb - 30/11/2014 20:24 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 263

You deserved it 3 463

By RedFace - 05/04/2011 14:06 - United States

Today, I was at a band concert with 500 other people. The song they were performing stopped, and I loved it so much I stood up and clapped. Everyone stared, while I slowly realized the song wasn't over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 090

You deserved it 35 315

Treacherous smileys

By Steven - 29/08/2021 20:01 - Canada

Today, I added the wrong reaction to a Facebook post, using the laughing smiley instead of the hug, and only noticed two hours later, when my friend wouldn't talk to me because she thought I like found the fact that her dog died funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 750

You deserved it 247

By elovan - 25/07/2015 08:33 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 906

You deserved it 21 037

By Trimacle - 24/08/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I went to the House of Horrors at Universal Studios. People dressed up as monsters would jump at us, and I was so freaked out that I tripped. My equally terrified mom fell on top of me. Frankenstein's monster was nice enough to ask us if we were alright. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 509

You deserved it 15 790

By Anonymous - 06/05/2009 00:27 - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 561

You deserved it 51 047

By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 05:30 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I helped a nice middle-aged lady pick out a sweater. She then opened her changing room door to ask for my opinion. I still don't understand why she had to take everything else off to try on a sweater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 103

You deserved it 4 853

Great timing

By letdown - 19/07/2020 14:01

Today, I finally had sex with a coworker I’d been flirting with for nearly 2 and half years. The sex lasted less than 2 and a half minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 474

You deserved it 658

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 17:33 - United States

Today, I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. From 100 feet away they looked the same until my boyfriend came behind me wanting to know what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 851

You deserved it 48 250

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Top comments

DocBastard 38

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

It's a scourge on humanity! It makes your pee smell all funny! It must be banned!

iAmScrubs 19

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:28

ATTENTION, once you have started reading this, you can't stop. If you do not send this message to 29 people by midnight tonight, an asparagus will appear outside your window an give you asparagus syndrome.

bonezisme 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:04

lol

mb1616 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:05

asparagus syndrome?

Denikk 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:18

haha @2 xDDD

johnson94 5

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:19

care for some ass burgers?

gwadafiesta_fml 2

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:25

Well 1)calling your dad illiterate because of a possible typo is a little bit extreme and 2)you have to be sick to eat those anyways so...

Shy_Anne 10

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:30

I'm confused O_o

bravesfan112233 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:49

your friend is garbage

bonezisme 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:06

its supposed to be asburgers if thats hot you spell it

Ritaa_fml 4

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:11

*Ass-burgers. OP's dad isn't illiterate. He just forwards chain mails without reading them. Nothing to see here, move on...

dgr8ing 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:11

I see what you did there

catrav77 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:18

you see what who did where...?

sailorzoe 14

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:49

How*

Aaraeus 4

Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

ImTotallyAsian 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:10

I agree

TropicalTulipz 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

thats not funny at all..

baby_dee97 8

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:44

wellarent you a downer

DocBastard 38

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

It's a scourge on humanity! It makes your pee smell all funny! It must be banned!

benderbot19 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:18

so true, doc! why's it make the pee smell so bad?!

jennifer93 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

oh you've never heard of it? wow you're behind the times...

H3ALTHFR3AK 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

we have to speak up for those of us that are less fortunate. it's a hard life they live

nlr 9

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:08

is that when you reek of asparagus?

benderbot19 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:08

Aspergers. high-functioning autism, basically.

nlr 9

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

benderbot19 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:17

nir. no.

CitrusGirl 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:26

Nir, go get educated. You have no idea what autism is.

benderbot19 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:28

amen, citrus.

rtxj89 0

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Saturday 7 May 2011 23:36

nlr: I honestly think you just pulled something out of your ass and hoped it would work. That's probably how you live every day of your life; good luck not getting beaten to death!