Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he...

By K. - 7/5/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Serious times

Spy vs. Spy

By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 16:10 - United States - Provo

Today, I found my cat dead on the road. I called my family and told them, and later buried the cat. Not long after I got done burying it, my cat walked up to me. I buried someone else's cat. FML

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By Liz0352 - 8/11/2018 04:30 - United States - Bainbridge Island

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

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By JustWantedToRelax - 10/5/2016 02:27 - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 17:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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By f*ckingdisgusted - 27/8/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

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By ? - 29/11/2009 07:59 - United States

Today, while I was in confession, I was saying my sins and the priest called me a "pain in the ass." FML

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By Bee - 31/8/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

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By CarrieRedburn - 27/7/2011 08:09 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog, and a whole bunch of teenagers were driving around my neighborhood throwing water balloons at people. They followed me for 3 blocks. FML

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By ouch - 26/3/2011 02:27

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

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By dillon - 1/7/2014 04:12 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I watched a Youtube video about artists who ripped off other artist's songs. All of the bands that were accused of stealing were all bands that I really enjoy. FML

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By insurance lies - 8/7/2013 14:48 - United States

Today, I had to get an MRI. I double and triple checked to make sure there was no out-of-pocket cost. When I arrived at the testing center, I was expected to pay full price for the test. It costs $2,360. FML

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By Stung - 3/8/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

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By bbns - 14/1/2009 11:57 - Germany

Today, I organized a party, invited a girl I've been secretly in love with for years, as well as a friend of mine who brought along an unknown mate of his. The party was fine, although the unknown mate threw up all over the floor. Now, the girl is dating that unknown mate and is in love with him. FML

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By HelpMe - 25/2/2014 09:59 - United Kingdom - Galashiels

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

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By AnonUser464 - 8/1/2013 16:40 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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By JustLeaveThem - 25/1/2017 18:00

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

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By Username - 13/8/2011 11:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a scary movie. I was starting to get a small headache so he gently brushed my hair. During a scary part he jumped and hit me in the head as hard as he could with the brush. I'm still recovering from the migraine. FML

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By ghgfd - 6/3/2013 14:53 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

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By fastfingers409 - 22/4/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, at a concert, I noticed a cute keytarist in one of the bands. After they got off stage, I asked their bass player if she was single. He replied, "actually, she's married," holding up his left hand, he continued, "to me." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2018 12:00

Today, I was hungover and had to run to put the rubbish out for the bin lorry, only I was so hungover I forgot I was only wearing an open dressing gown and no underwear. A few neighbours and passing cars got to see me swinging in the breeze. FML

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By Asteria - 15/11/2018 05:00

Today, my dryer was finally repaired after not working for over a month. I did one load of laundry and my washer stopped working. Another day, another $400+ repair bill. FML

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By sad_unicorn - 31/7/2016 04:51

Today, my mother in law likes to baby my partner. Gets him drinks, kisses him on the forehead, talks to him like he's 8, does everything for him. And she gives me death stares, especially when she hugs him when I'm around. FML

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By Gob - 16/1/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2009 12:56 - Finland

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

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By LonelyGuy - 15/12/2014 11:59 - Australia

Today, I called this girl I've had a crush on for 2 years to confess my love to her. However, as she picked up the phone, I got so nervous that I froze and couldn't say a word. I was standing there, breathing heavily for 20 seconds. She got so freaked out that she threatened to call the police. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2017 00:30

Today, I came home to find my mom in my apartment packing my things and crying. When she saw me she threw her arms around me and explained through her tears that she caught my girlfriend cheating on me and that she was sorry. My girlfriend and I are in an open relationship. I had to explain that. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 15:37 - United States

Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2013 22:29 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband and I, for a laugh, did our first dance to LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" with stupid moves and everything. 200 guests. Nobody laughed. FML

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By eemp - 5/2/2010 05:01 - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "that's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "push a little harder" while disecting a frog. FML

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By BirthdayGirl - 2/3/2010 08:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML

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By Gbeat411 - 25/6/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I went to boxing and this hot chick asked me if I was wearing a sports cup. I replied yes, when I wasn't. I thought she was going to check with her hand and feel. She checked with her knee. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 14:07

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, I had people coming over to buy some chairs from me. I took a screenshot of their profile because I was home alone, and watch enough ID to be cautious. I thought I'd sent it to my fiancé. I'd sent it to them instead. Now my anxiety is through the roof. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2015 19:03 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, somebody poured a cup of coffee down the back of my shirt. When I turned around, I saw a man who said, "You looked like my ex from behind!" and ran off. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2020 08:00

Overdoing it

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to "dirty talk" with him. I'd never done it before, so I figured I would give it a go. I ended up getting so excited that I had an anxiety attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 02:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Optimism

Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML

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By Chubs - 29/3/2009 12:32 - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks: "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

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By catbum - 10/11/2016 03:54 - Canada - Regina

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2014 23:05 - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

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By chieftain - 9/5/2012 19:34 - Norway - T?nsberg

Today, I am defending a client on trial for perjury. She is a sweet girl and the first person I've loved in years, but she keeps doing everything she can to make herself look guilty in front of the jury. Now I'm having a daily crisis of conscience in the middle of the courtroom. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#2474555 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

It's a scourge on humanity! It makes your pee smell all funny! It must be banned!

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2474724 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:28

ATTENTION, once you have started reading this, you can't stop. If you do not send this message to 29 people by midnight tonight, an asparagus will appear outside your window an give you asparagus syndrome.

COMMENTS

By bonezisme | 0

#2474533 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:04

lol

By mb1616 | 0

#2474535 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:05

asparagus syndrome?

Denikk | 0

#2474646 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:18

haha @2 xDDD

johnson94 | 5

#2474664 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:19

care for some ass burgers?

gwadafiesta_fml | 2

#2474699 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:25

Well 1)calling your dad illiterate because of a possible typo is a little bit extreme and 2)you have to be sick to eat those anyways so...

Shy_Anne | 10

#2474747 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:30

I'm confused O_o

bravesfan112233 | 0

#2474880 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:49

your friend is garbage

By bonezisme | 0

#2474548 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:06

its supposed to be asburgers if thats hot you spell it

Ritaa_fml | 4

#2474591 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:11

*Ass-burgers.

OP's dad isn't illiterate. He just forwards chain mails without reading them. Nothing to see here, move on...

dgr8ing | 0

#2474595 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:11

I see what you did there

catrav77 | 0

#2474651 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:18

you see what who did where...?

sailorzoe | 14

#2474877 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:49

How*

By Aaraeus | 4

#2474551 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

ImTotallyAsian | 0

#2474583 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:10

I agree

By TropicalTulipz | 0

#2474553 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

thats not funny at all..

baby_dee97 | 8

#2474842 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:44

wellarent you a downer

By DocBastard | 38

#2474555 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

It's a scourge on humanity! It makes your pee smell all funny! It must be banned!

benderbot19 | 0

#2474656 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:18

so true, doc! why's it make the pee smell so bad?!

By jennifer93 | 0

#2474557 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

oh you've never heard of it? wow you're behind the times...

By H3ALTHFR3AK | 0

#2474558 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:07

we have to speak up for those of us that are less fortunate. it's a hard life they live

By nlr | 9

#2474561 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:08

is that when you reek of asparagus?

By benderbot19 | 0

#2474563 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:08

Aspergers. high-functioning autism, basically.

nlr | 9

#2474593 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:11

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

benderbot19 | 0

#2474633 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:17

nir. no.

CitrusGirl | 0

#2474708 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:26

Nir, go get educated. You have no idea what autism is.

benderbot19 | 0

#2474728 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:28

amen, citrus.

rtxj89 | 0

#2474794 - Saturday 7 May 2011 23:36

nlr: I honestly think you just pulled something out of your ass and hoped it would work. That's probably how you live every day of your life; good luck not getting beaten to death!