Today, someone in my class wrote "Erase me if you can!" at the very top of the board, as I am always tormented about how short I am compared to everyone else. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach it. I'm the teacher. FML
Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML
Today, after a long time convincing my parents that my boyfriend is really a good guy, not only did he decide to come by the house completely drunk, but he also ended up trying to kiss my mom, thinking it was me. FML
Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML
Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend about my foot phobia. To help me "get over it", he took his socks off, pinned me down, and rubbed his foot against my face until I started sobbing. FML
Today, my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how I need to ask for what I want. So I asked him to delete a crappy picture he'd taken of me the night before. His response: "No, you don't always get what you want." FML
Today, while in my doctor's packed waiting room, an elderly woman insisted I take her seat. I thanked her, but politely declined. She began to yell, saying I was "ungrateful", until I sat down. She then left, laughing, as I discovered that she peed in the chair. Apparently, she does this often. FML
Today, in the middle of the night, my fiancé started yelling gibberish in his sleep. When I tried to wake him, he punched me square in the face. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year-old son came in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML
Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML
Today, while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap. His mother then told him to wipe his mouth. He used my sleeve. FML
Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML
Today, I realized that my boss is able to read all the emails my coworker and I send each other. Most of them are about how she is such a shitty boss. FML
Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML
Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight. Two trailer accidents, two construction zones, three detours, and one police escort later, the airline wouldn't let me on the plane. FML
Today, I subbed for a first grade class. They were releasing butterflies. Butterflies scare me shitless. A bunch of 7 year-olds watched as I screamed hysterically when one landed on me. FML
Today, my boyfriend's parents visited us. When everyone was chatting in the room, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up and wanted to walk away when I sneezed, and farted at the same time. I thought they didn't hear it, until my boyfriend's brother said, "That wasn't just a sneeze was it?" FML
Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML
Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML
Today, my girlfriend and her mom dropped me off at home. I told my girlfriend that I loved her. She said nothing, then her mom blurted out, "I love you too!" and drove away. FML
Today, I snuck out to see my girlfriend in the middle of the night. When I got to her house, I decided to throw a rock at her window to wake her up. It broke a hole in the window. FML
Today, while trying to sneak out of my house to go to a party I met my mom trying to sneak back in. FML
Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered, I asked what the problem was. Someone had shot fireworks at cars in the parking lot and I was a suspect. Why? Ponytails on men apparently look suspicious. FML
Today, I went to hand in a resume. The secretary happened to be a girl I liked in high school. When leaving, I shook hands with the employer, waved goodbye to the girl, turned around and walked straight into a glass wall. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML
Today, as I was sleeping I heard something bang on my door. I walked on my balcony only to find my boyfriend throwing rocks trying to wake me. He didn't see me and threw a rock right into my eye. FML
Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML
Today, my bike got stolen because I left my keys in the lock. On my way home, I saw my bike in front of a store, unlocked. I jumped on it, only to get punched in the face by the guy that had taken it, and got it stolen from me again. FML
Today, the crazy cat lady who lives next to me lost one of her cats. She sat outside with a whistle at 6:00 this morning and continued to blow her whistle for hours. FML
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