Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I got a graphing calculator and my period. FML
Today, it was my dad's birthday. As a joke, I got him one of those big erasers that say, "FOR BIG MISTAKES." He opened it, tried to erase me with it, then said, "It doesn't work." and left. FML
Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML
Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML
Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, my boyfriend walked in on me in the bathroom. That's how he found out that I wax my nipples. FML
Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML
Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML
Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML
Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML
Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML
Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML
Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML
Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML
Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML
Today, my friends learned that if you play "connect the dots" with the pimples on my back the resulting picture is a large penis. FML
Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML
Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house. FML
Today, I was singing the National Anthem at a school game and totally forgot the words. So I kept singing the same two lines over and over. FML
Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML
Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML
Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML
Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML
Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML
Today, the man who tried to mug me sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML
Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML
Today, while driving with my puppy in the passenger seat, he jumped out of the window. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
