Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML
Today, I invited over my girlfriend of two years to spend my birthday night with her. Instead of a conventional wrapped birthday present, she gave me the news that she has taken a vow of chastity. FML
Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML
Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML
Today, my dog farted. Immediately, he turned around to sniff his stink then furiously licked his butthole. He then licked my nose. FML
Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML
Today, I accidentally filled the lemonade machine with margarita mix that already had the tequila mixed in. It was served to three kids before anyone figured it out. FML
Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML
Today, I learned what it felt like to get shot in the nuts by an airsoft gun. Thank you, Mom. FML
Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML
Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML
Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML
Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML
Today, I received a lemon in a box in the mail. I didn't know from who it was, nor how he or she knows my address. There was a note on it: "When life gives you lemons, date me." FML
Today, my dad told me I was folding my laundry all wrong. I said with a smirk, "A little clothes-minded, are we?" He slapped me. Hard. FML
Today, my husband and I were arguing, but I dropped it so we could calm down before discussing the matter again. Later on, he made us lasagna. The moment I swallowed the first mouthful, he smirked, then started snickering uncontrollably. What the fuck did he do to my food? FML
Today, my friends came over to my house to eat my food and make fun of me as they played on my Xbox. FML
Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words, "Lisa, will you…" then abruptly shat my pants. FML
Today, a girl puked on me. No warnings, nothing. She just threw up on me, then walked off like nothing even happened. FML
Today, my roommate let out a blood-curdling scream in the bathroom. I ran in to see what was going on, only to find her sitting on the toilet, topless. Turned out she'd tried to pierce her own tit using a clothespin and a needle. FML
Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML
Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML
Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML
Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML
Today, I was turned down from the dream job that I was promised two years ago, once my chemo and radiation therapy was finished. His excuse? He never actually expected me to survive. FML
Today, I realized I hate my boyfriend's little sister enough to break up with him. FML
Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML
Today, I found out how much those tiny dogs cost when my German Shepherd ate one. FML
Today, a girl was making fun of me for being a virgin and, "never seeing a nipple". I have three. FML
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