Miss Narnia, Narnia 29 years-old Single
Today, a radio show asked the question, "Where does the dentist live in Finding Nemo?" I called in and got through. When he asked me the question, instead of the actual answer I quickly gave out my own address over live radio. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML
Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML
Today, my husband was getting undressed. I told my 2-year-old daughter not to go in our bedroom because he was undressing in there. I turned my back and she instantly ran off to my bedroom. I heard her shout "I can see daddy's tail!" Now, she points to everyone's crotch and shouts "TAIL!" FML
Today, I played a friendly prank on my dad, loosening the legs of his chair so it would fall apart when he sat on it. He responded by making me stand outside and watch as he keyed both sides of my car, front to back, as punishment. FML
Today, at work, I had to explain to my co-manager at work what a period was, after he refused to let an employee go change her tampon. Afterwards, he panicked, saying he thought women made that up so they didn't have to have sex, before trying to send her to the hospital and fainting. We're 24. FML
Today, while teaching juniors about black holes, I said, "Imagine everything being sucked into a black hole." An African-American student shouted, "I'd better start clenching!" Nobody took the lesson seriously after that. FML
Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom and didn't realize my skirt was tucked in my ugliest underwear until I reached the elevator. Thanks for not telling me girl-in-the-yellow-shirt. FML
Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing "Never have I ever." My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, "Never have I ever had an orgasm." FML
Today, I bit into a Reese's Cup that had been sitting on my desk for a while. As I did, half of a yellow meal worm fell out and landed in front of me, the other half was in my mouth. It was wiggling. FML
Today, I decided to give my virginity to my boyfriend of four months, because I told him I loved him. Two minutes after he'd pulled out, he grabs his cell and mass texts "I FINALLY GOT LAID!". FML
Today, my husband of ten years was playing the Sims. I asked him about the house he built. Apparently, it was his dream house, and he recreated himself as a Sim so he could live in it. Then I asked him where the wife was. There was no wife. It was his happy place. FML
Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML
Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered, "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you!" He broke up with me on speaker. FML
Today, I was at my school's spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire class witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!" FML
Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML
Today, I was supposed to be picked up by my date. I haven't got my license yet, so all my dates have to pick me up. He never showed. He also didn't bother to text or call that he wasn't coming. Neither did the five other dates I was supposed to have this summer. FML
Today, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't. End of discussion. FML
Today, I spoke with my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, she isn't all that crazy. He really did cheat on her with half a dozen other girls. The same girls he's apparently cheating on me with. How do I know for sure? Thank you crazy ex for his email passwords. FML
Today, I woke up with a hangover from last night. Last night, I snuck out and went to a party at a club. To hide my hangover, I cleaned myself up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. My mother looked at me and said, "What's that on your wrist?" I'd forgotten I'd left the wristband on from the club. I'm already grounded. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..." FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend had sex with three different guys in one day. All at a party. A party that I was at. FML
Today, while driving home I saw a few deer running beside me. I stopped to let them go in front. Instead, one face-plants, ramming into the side of my new car. FML
Today, my dad confessed that the only reason I'm alive today is because he couldn't afford to pay for an abortion. He couldn't afford it because he'd splashed out on brand new furniture at IKEA shortly before discovering my mom was pregnant. FML
Today, my mother and aunt got into an argument about who had gotten groped more times in public. I don't know what's more disturbing, that my own mother would brag about getting groped, or that she won the argument, at 34 times. FML
Today, I overheard my husband talking to our 6 year-old about animals for a project. I listened, thinking it was cute, until my husband said gleefully, "Remember to say this in your project: octopuses have 8 testicles." FML
Today, I had a very long, complicated talk with my girlfriend. Apparently, since she isn't religious, she doesn't have to give anyone Christmas presents, and yet expects everyone to give her some. She then told me what I should get her. FML
Today, my boyfriend left me for my neighbor. Her name is Hope. She'd better "hope" I don't take a dump in her yard. FML
Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter's first word is "FUCK!" FML
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