sault ste Marie , Canada Single
Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML
Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML
Today, I had a terrible nightmare involving zombies slashing and eating at my face. I woke up in terror and urine, and found the slashing was very real: it was my cat pawing my face for me to feed him. FML
Today, I discovered that it is possible for bugs to lay eggs in your ears. FML
Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML
Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML
Today, I found out that when people in my apartment complex warn their kids about strangers, they use me as the example. FML
Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML
Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML
Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML
Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML
Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML
Today, I emailed my crush an anonymous love letter. It wasn't until twenty minutes later that I realized that the email address I used contained my full name. FML
Today, I was adjusting my nose piercing from the inside. My mother saw and thought I was picking my nose, so she slapped my hand away, tearing my nose ring out in the process. FML
Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML
Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML
Today, my house caught on fire. The firefighters said that it was caused by a lit cigarette on the carpet. I don't smoke, but apparently my 13 year-old son does. FML
Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML
Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said, "Good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was, "Just wank it off and move on." FML
Today, I visited my gynecologist. As she had her fingers inside me she decided that was the perfect time to say, "I absolutely love your socks!" FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML
Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML
Today, I offered an elderly man my seat on the train. He thanked me by winking and offering me a seat on his lap. FML
Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML
Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML
Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML
Today, I found out that all the things I've lent to my best friend over the last few years that have never been returned were actually pawned off so she could pay her cable bill. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML
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