Miss Philadelphia 35 years-old Single
Today, for the first time in weeks, my wife felt frisky, and we started fooling around. Half-way through undressing me, she bolted out, claiming she had the shits. About five minutes later, she tearfully called out from the bathroom, begging me to bring her a fresh roll of toilet paper. FML
Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for two months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML
Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML
Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML
Today, after nearly 5 months of trying for a baby, I found out my wife has continued to take the pill as it gave her a better idea of her cycle and thus when she'd be "most fertile". FML
Today, I was washing the dishes at work. I had to pee really bad but first I wanted to finish the dishes. A coworker jumped out from behind the ice machine. I screamed like a girl and pissed my pants. FML
Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML
Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML
Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobody cared about me and that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make those noises, at least shut the door." FML
Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson." I'm Tyler. Jackson is my co-worker. FML
Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML
Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML
Today, brand new cocktail dress: $300. Matching peep toe heels: $100. Getting my hair done at the salon: $80. Treating myself to a mani/pedi: $50. When finally meeting the guy I have been chatting online with for 2 months, I find out he's my cousin: priceless. FML
Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML
Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML
Today, I found out that I'm immune to laughing gas and partially immune to novocaine while I was getting two teeth pulled. FML
Today, at dinner with my boyfriend and my family, my mother had too much to drink and asked my boyfriend how I was in bed with the purpose of embarrassing me. His reply? "Not as good as her sister." His defense? "It was only one time." FML
Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML
Today, someone tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested, and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves, and told a cop that I did it. FML
Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML
Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a fancy chocolate candy and I got angry at him for forgetting that I'm allergic to chocolate and threw the candy into the garbage disposal. Turns out, he had spent a ton of money getting a chocolatier to put an engagement ring inside the candy that I just destroyed. FML
Today, whilst working at the supermarket, a man came through my checkout who couldn't open the plastic bags. I thought it would be a laugh to make fun of him because of it, saying "Come on! What's wrong with you?". Turns out he has arthritis. And Parkinson's Disease. He left, more than angry. FML
Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML
Today, I bought a fake "wedding ring" at Target to play a prank on my parents. They kicked me out, saying my "fiancé" can take care of me now. There is no fiancé, and I just lost my job. FML
Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML
Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML
Today, I was putting groceries into my car, and I put the eggs on the driver's seat while I arranged my other bags. I was frustrated because the dome light was acting up, which drives me crazy. Once I got everything in, I crankily plopped into the car. I had never moved the eggs off my seat. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
