Love: Today, brand new cocktail dress: $300. Matching peep toe heels:...

By Anonymous - 10/04/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, brand new cocktail dress: $300. Matching peep toe heels: $100. Getting my hair done at the salon: $80. Treating myself to a mani/pedi: $50. When finally meeting the guy I have been chatting online with for 2 months, I find out he's my cousin: priceless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 216 414

You deserved it 70 013

akd_rocks tells us more.

akd_rocks 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 2:23

Okay I'm the person that wrote this, I wrote it earlier today before I got my account and its one hundered percent true we talked about family we exchanged pics but i had never met him before he was my moms sisters son adn i have never met that part of my family because my mom was disowned for marrying my dad. his last name was my moms maiden name so i didnt think anything of it especially since its a common last name, SMITH. soo yes it may seem ridiculous but its real and awful

Love

And today, on Dr Phil…

Broken heart

You tried

By NoMoreHeadphones - 08/09/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, I was listening to my iPod while changing the diaper on my baby. One earbud fell out of my ear and onto the changing table so I quickly picked it up without looking and put it back in my ear, only to realize the headphone had fallen onto more than a table. I now have brown earphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 804

You deserved it 47 196

By BadLuck - 27/10/2013 14:30 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I went to the doctor to see why my walking pneumonia wasn't getting any better. It had. I've just somehow managed to also contract mono... while sitting home, alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 836

You deserved it 2 768

By Damn - 05/06/2012 19:36 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 478

You deserved it 7 902

By babyscarface - 12/06/2016 15:48 - United States - Orange

Today, I was grabbed and romantically kissed at the crowded carnival. Unfortunately, it was not by my husband but instead it was a complete stranger, in front of my husband and children. Now, my husband will not talk or believe that I didn't know the man, and my children think I'm a cheater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 181

You deserved it 1 606

By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 18:00

Today, my brother threw a mug at my head and threatened to stab anybody who came at him because I woke him up for school. I called the police after threats were thrown at my mom, who then lied to them and said I overreacted. I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 201

You deserved it 404

By trafficfail - 01/06/2011 16:43

Today, as I was driving to work, I glanced in my rear view mirror to see an old man behind me using binoculars to see in front of him since we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. He rear ended me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 698

You deserved it 2 807

By agentile - 02/12/2010 01:14 - United States

Today, my grandma was leaning over in front of me, vacuuming, while wearing a v-neck shirt. Out of instinct, I glanced at her chest. She's 75. I checked out my 75 year old grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 613

You deserved it 60 359

By WELLFUCKYOUTOO - 14/08/2012 15:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 179

You deserved it 2 307

By friend loves a gay guy... - 23/09/2013 20:49 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my best friend told me that she no longer wants to cut herself because now she's madly in love with a guy in our school. She doesn't know that he's gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 114

You deserved it 3 893

By Hoggiebear - 05/10/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, my friends learned that if you play "connect the dots" with the pimples on my back the resulting picture is a large penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 322

You deserved it 5 355

By dumpedattheclub - 28/03/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raised her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 875

You deserved it 7 242

With friends like these…

By dpimente - 17/12/2020 11:05

Today, I checked my bank account online and noticed two checks that I didn't write had gone through, so I got copies of them and recognized the handwriting. It was my best friend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 179

You deserved it 52

Nightmare

By yeah - 25/10/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. In Walmart. Over the loudspeaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 809

You deserved it 171

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 18:00

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 717

You deserved it 843

By Beantown girl - 31/10/2011 00:58 - United States

Today, I was using my boyfriend's phone to call my mom. A text message arrived from "Christina" that said, "Just put the kids to bed, come over." He swears they're only work buddies, but refuses to tell her he has a girlfriend, to avoid making things weird at work. We've been together two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 674

You deserved it 4 965

By Text - 25/04/2011 16:27 - United States

Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I'm on a limited plan and didn't want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 165

You deserved it 8 348

By Anonymous - 07/12/2014 19:20 - Ireland - Galway

Today, while clearing stuff out of the basement, I found my ex-wife's old electronic diary device from the '90s. I found the charger, powered it up, and had soon read all about out she'd been cheating on me for almost half our marriage with the guy she's now married to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 538

You deserved it 3 661

By thanks, fuckface - 16/11/2012 19:42 - United States - Parachute

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 038

You deserved it 4 133

By Anonymous - 29/03/2017 07:00 - United States - Normal

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 784

You deserved it 1 084

AKA taking a screenshot

By Anonymous - 05/10/2020 11:02 - United States - White Plains

Today, I was holding in pee because i was so busy at work. When I finally got up to relieve myself, I pulled down my pants, sneezed at that exact moment and peed all over the bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 048

You deserved it 346

By YeahItsmecoolhuh - 17/02/2011 06:50 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I found a horde of ants in one of my socks when I put it on my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 489

You deserved it 4 967

By loves the smell of burning flesh - 01/11/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 634

You deserved it 62 604

By nickthetank - 31/12/2011 09:21 - Canada

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 816

You deserved it 12 200

By Doubleyew1 - 02/08/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 350

You deserved it 4 873

By idk - 04/09/2015 14:15 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I was getting ready to go out with my family. As I was putting my phone in my purse, my father told me I wouldn't need it because we were going to spend 'quality time' together. The entire time I was there, everyone was staring at their phone. I was the only one without one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 929

You deserved it 2 778

By varsity soccer player - 19/08/2011 21:08 - United States

Today, I had my first day of soccer tryouts. We began with a two mile run. Trying to be honest for once, I didn't lie about my time. Everyone else did. I thus got the worst score, and had to run it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 188

You deserved it 4 533

By HSampsON - 13/10/2013 21:20 - Niger - Niamey

Today, in revenge for me pulling the old salt-in-the-soda prank on him, my dad showed up at my college dressed in a tight blouse and miniskirt, demanding that I come home early with him. I think I'm going to be lynched next time I go to class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 015

You deserved it 13 747

By creeped - 29/12/2009 00:50 - United States

Today, I was talking to the guy that has been in love with me for two years. He said "There is a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to lose yours." He then creepily looked at me and said "It's true." Thanks, Princess Bride, for supplying creepers with material. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 653

You deserved it 4 527

By hakura madada - 22/06/2012 19:41 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I mistook my dog's head for the gear shift while tearing down the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 234

You deserved it 27 539

By Anon - 09/02/2016 12:39 - United States - Toledo

Today, I got into a car accident. The other driver was going so fast that when we hit, our cars positioned themselves to make it look like it was all my fault. He keeps blaming me for everything and the position of the cars doesn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 621

You deserved it 1 464

By Tay - 17/02/2012 01:29 - Australia

Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 488

You deserved it 2 711

By K.H - 26/10/2009 16:42 - Sweden

Today, I was reading in my bed, and my cat was lying on my chest. I noticed something white on my cat's leg. I'm far-sighted and wasn't wearing my glasses, so I didn't see what it was. I touched it and put on my glasses. Turns out it was a worm hanging out of my cat's anus. It started wiggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 064

You deserved it 5 985

By unhappystudent - 14/12/2016 12:32 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, after a long night of studying, my roommate and her friends decided it would be fun to throw a mini party in my room at 7am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 585

You deserved it 577

By Sadginger - 21/12/2015 23:45 - United Kingdom - Redhill

Today, the man I have been in a long-distance relationship with for 2 years told me he has been cheating on me for 6 months, and that he's leaving me for her. I'm due to fly out to see him next week on a non-refundable ticket. He insists that, "we can still hang out, just not have sex". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 158

You deserved it 2 222

By Anonymous - 05/07/2019 02:00

Today, I realized the cute guy in my Spanish class only talks to me so he can steal my answers. He asked if I'd give him the answers for the final as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 215

By Jim - 09/10/2017 13:00

Today, I was walking to the bus for my first day at my new school. I tripped in the darkness and split my chin open and broke my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 272

You deserved it 257

By RedHotRoses - 20/12/2017 15:00

Today, I walked into my office and found my ex-roommate going through my desk. Apparently, despite not wanting to be friends or even speak anymore, he has no qualms about "borrowing" my Master's thesis so he can compare and write his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 241

You deserved it 269

My precious

By Gollumapparently - 13/01/2021 05:01

Today, my friend and I took an online quiz to find out what character from Lord of the Rings we look like. She got Arwen. I got Gollum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 642

You deserved it 200

By wallbanger - 07/02/2010 12:31 - Australia

Today, my seven-year-old sister came to stay at my house for the night. She usually just sleepwalks. But tonight she sleep-peed in my clean clothes basket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 401

You deserved it 2 403

By thisbethed - 02/11/2015 22:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss made up a rumor that I was quitting my job so I wouldn't get the promotion that was coming up. There goes that raise I've been wanting for six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 870

You deserved it 1 522

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Savvy89 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:47

Hey in some places its okay to do that. MORE POWER TO YOU! handle your business. btw if you will spend that much money on me for a date, ill take you out =D

SurpriseButtseks 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:50

I agree with #3. You should have figured it out in 2 months. But after spending $530... you should have fucked him anyway. lol

Savvy89 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:47

Hey in some places its okay to do that. MORE POWER TO YOU! handle your business. btw if you will spend that much money on me for a date, ill take you out =D

urlifesfked 0

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Friday 2 April 2010 22:29

go op!

xxbadassbitchxx 0

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Monday 5 April 2010 16:35

Lol!

SilenNex 0

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Tuesday 11 May 2010 17:02

Sweet home alabama! Where the skies are so blue Sweet home alabama! Where your cousin f**ks you

FreddyMustDie 0

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Wednesday 9 June 2010 16:03

At least you can laugh about it

kaprookie 3

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Tuesday 14 December 2010 9:38

Has anyone else noticed this sounds like a mastercard ad? Or did i only notice because im from Australia?

ttorigibson 2

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Thursday 23 December 2010 17:47

I thought the mastercard add too! But I am also Australian.

Kyckge 1

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Saturday 5 February 2011 16:05

I noticed that too. Everybody did. because that's what it was supposed to sound like.

nikkotine 0

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Friday 19 August 2011 2:22

wait. usually don't shoes match by themselves? right? thought so.

tumblergurl13 5

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Sunday 11 September 2011 16:09

Shoes matching the dress. Duhh.

hot8rodz 14

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Saturday 13 September 2014 23:48

Really? Date someone you like, don't be a gold digger.

november84 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:47

fake

matt5217 4

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Thursday 8 July 2010 3:00

comment moderated

teddy4nyy 13

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Saturday 25 December 2010 6:06

comment moderated

deathbybutterfly 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:49

You think that after talking to him for 2 months you would have found out that he was your cousin before going out to meet him..

qazaq 1

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Sunday 21 August 2011 19:53

Common sense isn't so common anymore, like you would think they would have at least exchanged names X D

zoeeileen 6

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Sunday 1 June 2014 6:31

he probably catfished her.

SurpriseButtseks 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:50

I agree with #3. You should have figured it out in 2 months. But after spending $530... you should have fucked him anyway. lol

happyinrl 0

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Sunday 2 August 2009 8:50

lmao no way jose thats disguting

Thatguywhotrolls 0

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Saturday 30 January 2010 5:46

Incest is wincest.

madgrinchhatter 12

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Saturday 23 March 2013 12:01

Nope. Just nope.

mich23 10

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:51

prob fake but luv the format

llSgtScopell 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:51

You didn't bother to ask for his full name first?

rocketeer_97 1

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Friday 15 April 2011 8:01

not all cousins have the same last name.

em_iweird 26

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Friday 8 May 2015 9:33

You don't know your cousins last name?

strawberry_78 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:51

I'm guessing you don't know your cousin very well, seems like you'd have figured it out...didn't you know his name??? I say YDI!

locoamor 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:51

thats a crazy amount to spend on a dress..btw

Brittaneyyy 0

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Sunday 13 March 2011 19:01

not if the dress was cute

helen_ellexo 22

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Thursday 6 March 2014 16:27

*facepalm*

kirches 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:51

...I guess no aspects of your life like name or family EVER came up in that two months....

kirches 0

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Saturday 11 April 2009 1:51

...I guess no aspects of your life like name or family EVER came up in that two months....

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 128

You deserved it 56

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 359

You deserved it 41

akd_rocks tells us more.

With friends like these…

Nightmare

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

AKA taking a screenshot

My precious

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