Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML
Today, I took a nap on the couch in the family room. My brother thought it would be hilarious to take clear packaging tape and put it on my chapped lips. Then rip it off. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML
Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML
Today, the woman giving me a manicure found a booger under one of my fingernails. FML
Today, I printed out a picture of the popular girl in school as a sort of 'model' for how I wanted my hair cut. The hairdresser taped the picture to the mirror so he could see. Halfway through, my 'model' came in for an appointment. FML
Today, after my 22-year-old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML
Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML
Today, at work, a coworker started to tell me about his weekend, without me even asking. Halfway through his story, I started to daydream and lost track of time. Bored, I told him, "Hey man, I'll call you back, I've got to get back to work." Then I remembered I wasn't on the phone. FML
Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML
Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML
Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML
Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML
Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML
Today, I had to sit through chemistry class watching the kid in front of me slowly peel off the scabs on his arms, examine them, and then eat them. For an hour. FML
Today, I was watching a movie in the basement with my boyfriend when we started to get a little frisky. My mom walks down with dirty laundry and tells him to stop it because I'm creaming all over my undies. She showed him a pair of dirty ones to prove it. FML
Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML
Today, after I spent nearly three hours building an igloo, my dog decided it would be a nice to enter it and take a shit. FML
Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML
Today, I gave in and let my friend give me a makeover. She couldn't find my eyelash curler, but decided that if she used scissors lightly, it would work just the same. Needless to say, it did not work. FML
Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML
Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML
Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML
Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML
Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML
Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML
Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML
Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML
Today, I was getting a spray tan and realized I didn't have a hair tie, so I used a thong instead. I lost track of time and realized I needed to go pick up my daughter. I threw on my clothes, drove to pick her up, went to the store, and went for ice cream... thong still in my hair. FML
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