Today, at work, a coworker started to tell me about his weekend,... - FML

By PFCdavila - 23/3/2011 03:46 - United States

Today, at work, a coworker started to tell me about his weekend, without me even asking. Halfway through his story, I started to daydream and lost track of time. Bored, I told him, "Hey man, I'll call you back, I've got to get back to work." Then I remembered I wasn't on the phone. FML

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PFCdavila Say more :

it was my third double, back to back. i was a walking zombie. lol

Instadrama

Mind your own beeswax

Billy no-mates

By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 13:58

My new friend

Today, I realized at the train station that every day for a month, I've been waving to a cardboard cut-out of a person in the morning. I thought they were real. They're cardboard. FML

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By killme - 29/12/2012 22:33 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

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By s0728 - 1/9/2014 21:37 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I work at a bakery. As I was putting out some cakes with fruit on top of them, a customer asked me how we get the little hairs to stay on the raspberries, and if we glue them on. FML

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By Iwtumn - 17/3/2015 16:52 - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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By Mb13 - 21/12/2016 20:02

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

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By viviham - 4/5/2012 12:08 - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML

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By Jello - 26/2/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I went to have dessert with my boyfriend. We ordered some Jello. I said that I loved Jello because it is so fun and jiggly. My boyfriend said, "Like you. Except the fun part". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2014 22:16 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually tried to justify his cheating by saying it doesn't count as cheating if the girl's bisexual. FML

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By NotALuckyGuy - 7/4/2015 16:19 - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost my virginity in a porta-potty. FML

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By hahahano - 24/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was running late and rushing to a waiting bus. I made it to the doors just as they closed. I knocked desperately, hoping the driver would let me in. He hovered his hand over the button for a few seconds, then flipped me off and drove away laughing. FML

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By badteacher - 24/10/2010 05:26 - United States

Today, while I was substitute teaching a middle school class, a boy, named Chris, refused to get in the boy's line for the bathroom. After I had said, "Chris, what makes you think you're a girl?" in a very loud voice, one of the other students said "She is a girl." I've scarred a child for life. FML

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By - 2/3/2017 10:00 - United States - Ithaca

Today, my first grade student apologized for cutting his bangs off in class, and explained that it was his mom's birthday and he had wanted to make her an origami flower. Out of his hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 03:02 - Canada

Today, I was at a restaurant when I heard a young girl telling her father she didn't think she was pretty. When I got up to leave, I walked past her table and told her she was beautiful. Her dad then punched me in the face. FML

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By EricCartman - 20/5/2009 03:31 - United States

Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML

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By meggs2209 - 12/1/2012 20:06 - United States

Today, Dell's tech support called to tell me that the laptop I sent to them was going to cost an extra $300 to fix, because of the shattered screen. When I mailed my laptop to them, the touchpad wasn't working. The screen was fine. FML

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By Joe - 10/3/2009 00:26 - Canada

Today, I was at a dance. I was griding with this guy when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied with "Don't flatter yourself, it was my phone". FML

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By nicolo - 27/10/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

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By Oh man... - 1/8/2017 06:30 - Australia - Perth

Doggy Wants A Bone

Today, I began my ritual of my afternoon wank. As I was about to finish, I noticed my dog staring at me from across the room. We shared a longboard stare as I came, and I can't look him in the eyes the same way. FML

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By purpletrout - 30/11/2016 06:39 - United States - Lansing

Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got him to sleep, I tried to go to bed. My husband is now snoring, farting and taking up my side of the bed. I desperately need some sleep. FML

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By thyisnothorses - 29/4/2012 03:55 - United States - Scituate

Today, I was grounded by my mom because I had slept in past 11, when she wanted me to wake up at seven to do chores. According to her logic, I should have seen the note she left on the counter earlier this morning. FML

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By hatecolin - 10/9/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I was driving my new car home when I came around a sharp turn to see a groundhog in the road. I kindly stopped and allowed it to cross when all of the sudden a car slammed into the back of mine. Then, another car went flying around us. That car hit and killed the groundhog. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2019 04:00 - United States - New York

Oops, I Did It Again

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

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By StillAVirgin - 17/10/2016 15:23 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend said, "One day I'll tell my children how I met you. I mean, our children." It's pretty cute, except for the fact that we're 17 and have been dating for only two weeks. FML

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By Sh*t - 2/7/2012 21:17 - Venezuela - Caracas

Today, I was in the shower, when I heard my daughter scream and shout, "Mommy, mommy! Help! Come quick!" I panicked and rushed downstairs without even looking for a towel to cover myself, all so I could find out she'd just gotten a piece of dirt on her shoe. FML

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By annonymous - 6/4/2009 08:35 - China

Today, I had a softball team dinner, and I was sitting with a bunch of girls who were talking about how far they've gone with guys. One girl goes "I must be the least experienced one here, I've never even kissed a guy!" Surprised, I said "me too!" and high-fived her. She was joking. I wasn't. FML

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By blah blah daddy - 2/10/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

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By Passtheicecream - 25/1/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

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By unacceptable - 4/6/2012 15:02 - Australia

Today, my mum thought it was perfectly acceptable to post a status on Facebook about how well she is healing up after her hemorrhoid surgery, and tag me in it. FML

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By Username - 16/4/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

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By littelace - 19/2/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in Victoria's Secret. I saw a picture of a model and said, "I wish I looked like that." He replied with, "Me too." FML

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By Janitor - 8/3/2012 01:08 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

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By BlueSteele220 - 22/3/2016 08:57 - United States - Coppell

Today, my family got mad at me for eloping and not inviting them to my wedding. Even though they admitted they wouldn't have gone anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Second class citizen

Today, I got told I am not a good fit for a company because I'm disabled. But that's OK, I can volunteer for the same role, as I don't really need to work anyway, because I'm disabled apparently. FML

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By whasian - 21/9/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent me a birthday present. It was a necklace for me to wear at my wedding. The pendant is a well known lesbian symbol. I'm a woman and I'm marrying her son. FML

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By double trouble - 4/5/2015 04:04

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML

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By Justkillme - 15/11/2018 03:00

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

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By reconnect - 27/12/2010 06:30 - United States

Today, Facebook told me I should reconnect with my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 05:02

The Summoner

Today, I've lived in my apartment for over 5 years with no bugs, as I'm phobic of them. I broke up with my ex, who smirked at me and declared war. I now have thousands of roaches that I can't get rid of. Coincidence? FML

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By itendstonight - 9/8/2009 12:42 - Ireland

Today, it was my turn to have the trophy my baseball team won a few weeks ago. I then find out that my brother and his buddies thought it would be funny to fill the trophy up with beer, drink the beer, and then pee in it. Not only is it over 50yrs old, it stinks of pee and is due back tomorrow. FML

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By nasty_ex - 21/6/2011 12:25 - Australia

Today, I finally found out who has been sending me hate letters, it's my husband's ex-wife. They've been divorced for 7 years. FML

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Top comments

By Thanatos1206 | 0

#2228500 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 8:52

So did you end up calling him back???

By perdix | 29

#2228579 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 9:06

You should have told him you were driving and it wasn't safe to talk on the cell.

If you're gonna lie, go big!

COMMENTS

By baseballin25 | 0

#2228494 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 8:50

wow ive never heard of anyone doing that xD

Reply

DropDead77 | 11

#2228602 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 9:15

Yeah! Especially without a Bluetooth device

Reply

gamercanadian | 11

#2228659 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 9:49

LAME yea it's a bit late imma do stuff with me n go to bed. ok bye

Reply

ifyouseekamy666 | 0

#2228688 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 10:02

this sounds like something I'd do lol

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2228775 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 10:44

simple solution, say "I was reading you mind and decided to hang up" it worked for me when I was trying to avoid drew barrymore.

Reply

florecitabetch | 0

#2229337 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 14:17

#39 your comments are always hillarious

Reply

ifyouseekamy666 | 0

#2229893 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 17:19

Is it just me or are fmls actually starting to get netter again they aren't all like "today my bf told me a joke fml" like they're actually good again now

Reply

ifyouseekamy666 | 0

#2229901 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 17:21

better**

Reply

jeslynh | 0

#2229922 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 17:25

haha that was hilarious :x

Reply

extrovertical | 0

#2230154 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 18:41

they seem more original and unique (:

Reply

ifyouseekamy666 | 0

#2231313 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 22:37

yeah they're funnier now lol

Reply

ifyouseekamy666 | 0

#2270117 - Thursday 31 March 2011 4:28

lol thank you 101 my moustache loves u too :p

Reply

ifyouseekamy666 | 0

#2270124 - Thursday 31 March 2011 4:28

lol thank you 101 my moustache loves u too :p

By j300zx | 0

#2228498 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 8:51

Good one. He was probably like WTF?

Reply

trick619 | 0

#2228620 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 9:19

I don't see how u could say that to someone when u are standing right in front if them and staring at them

Reply

sammy92 | 0

#2228646 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 9:33

the sad thing is, I can see myself doing something like that

Reply

liquidfireKAN | 0

#2229047 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 12:53

I think that I would probably do this too. Today I'm going to say that to everyone who is talking to me. Thanks! I'm going to pis off my cousin soo much today cause of you!

By Thanatos1206 | 0

#2228500 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 8:52

So did you end up calling him back???

Reply

KraziiDesire | 0

#2228798 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 11:05

lol

Reply

llZombiell | 5

#2228998 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 12:34

lmao

Reply

jawman | 0

#2233887 - Thursday 24 March 2011 6:51

rotflolwlmfao

Reply

PFCdavila | 6

#2237854 - Friday 25 March 2011 4:22

no, but i had to work with him the rest of the night and we exchanged a few words during the 6 hr shift.

By ocdparame | 6

#2228512 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 8:53

This is hilarious! More like FHL for being so dull!

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2228850 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 11:26

What indication did you have that they're dull?

Reply

liquidfireKAN | 0

#2229058 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 12:56

Exactly, just because OP didn't listen doesn't mean that his coworker is dull. Don't make these outrageous assumptions!! :P

By peaceful505 | 0

#2228518 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 8:53

ahaha that sounds like sumthing i wud do:s

Reply

bentley55 | 0

#2229524 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 16:04

lol nice pic

Reply

Sweetpea137 | 0

#2229840 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 17:07

cut the rope!!!

Reply

peaceful505 | 0

#2234199 - Thursday 24 March 2011 8:29

thank-you I love that game!

Reply

cocobulla1 | 4

#2584804 - Monday 30 May 2011 0:09

lmao luv dat game!! and hahaha thts funny this guy,

By bloobelly | 0

#2228520 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 8:54

FAVORITE!

By WorkThatButt | 2

#2228522 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 8:54

Take a dump.

Reply

CateXOX | 0

#2228925 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 12:13

That always works I guess.

By denvan | 0

#2228525 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 8:54

lmao good way to show the person your listening, don't go over your minutes

By CakeSlicer | 0

#2228544 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 8:56

Think before you talk.

Reply

pepelapew | 0

#2228586 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 9:09

I'll slice ur cake

Reply

Leoboy635 | 0

#2228630 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 9:23

lmao. win

Reply

annasakki | 0

#2228704 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 10:12

preety disgusting u perv what are u like 50 and she's like 12

Reply

cptmorgan15 | 2

#2229073 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 12:59

hahaha 16. I'm going to laugh about that all day

By caitibug323 | 0

#2228548 - Wednesday 23 March 2011 8:57

Meh, people who start up unwanted conversations without you asking kind of annoy me. I mean at least try to set up the conversation to see if they even want to talk to you! But that's actually really funny! :)