Bossgirlhana

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

Today, I went shopping with my new "It's true, I'm a Ninja" shirt on. Suddenly an apple comes and hits me right in the eye. A little boy runs up to me, yells "You aren't a Ninja! A Ninja would have caught that!", and runs off. FML

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with, "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

No good deed…

Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML

Master manipulator

Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML

Today, I let my friend use my computer to download some music. Now, my computer has 6 viruses and 4 songs, all of which I hate. FML

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

Today, my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. She doesn't trust me. FML

First and last time

Today, I got sentenced to 20 hours community service for having a boy in my room an hour after floor hours. If I don't do the community service, I could get kicked out of the dorm and put on probation at my college. We were breaking up. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML

Today, I finally admitted that I have to consider buying a nose hair trimmer. I'm a woman. FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend peeing in the cat's litter box. I'm the one who has to clean it out. FML

Today, my sister attacked me and stuffed a Tic Tac up my nose. I'm currently in the hospital waiting to have it removed. FML

Today, I broke my wrist when I got into a disagreement with a horse. FML

Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML

Today, I broke my little toe. It got stuck in my panties as I struggled to get a leg through. FML

Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML

Are you experienced?

Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML

Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. In an ambulance. On the way to the hospital after being T-boned at an intersection. FML

Today, my waiter turned to me and asked, "Let me guess, Miss I'm-not-fat-I'm-fluffy wants a Diet Coke?" FML

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

Mommy milk time

Today, I saw a woman breastfeeding her child at the local park. That would have been just fine if the child wasn't at least 8 years-old. FML

Today, after much self-doubt and awkwardness, I learned that I look amazing in a little black dress. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to tell my wife. FML

Today, I finally figured out why I've been getting diarrhea so often over the past six months. It only happens whenever I do something "sneaky". My body reacts strongly to how I stress over potentially getting caught. I'm a private investigator, and I apparently need a new career. FML

Today, it was my first time with my boyfriend, at his house, in his Dora the Explorer sheets. FML