Mr Charles Town, WV, USA 39 years-old Single
Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML
Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML
Today, my pet hedgehog thought it would be funny to roll around in the kitty litter. It was like washing a poopy cactus. FML
Today, I was on a road-trip with some of my buddies, when we stopped at a gas station. When I opened the door to their bathroom, brown water flowed out, soaking my legs up to my knees. I then spent another 2 hours in an enclosed vehicle. FML
Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML
Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML
Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML
Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me through Skype, with the message "my penis wants more, but my heart and mind don't want to hurt you." FML
Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML
Today, I found my lost iPhone earbuds. In the cat litter box. I am 100% sure that they passed through my cat to get there. FML
Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML
Today, I heard my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been so bad if we weren't in the same hotel room. They thought I was asleep. FML
Today, my parents threw out the beautiful birthday cake my aunt made me, and served celery sticks at my party because I need to "watch my weight." FML
Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML
Today, I got fired over MSN. I wasn't even online at the time. FML
Today, I got fired from my job where you build teddy bears. I got fired not because I did anything wrong, just because they don't like my personality. I'd never worked with my boss, and that means all the employees that work there had a meeting about me, and all confirmed they don't like me. FML
Today, my mother keyed my car because I wouldn't invite her into my home and get her a cup of tea, so she could continue screaming that she was going to kill me while I tried to feed my 4 month old daughter. The last time I got her a cup of tea she threw it in my face. FML
Today, I woke up to find my new roommate staring straight at me. She then went on to say, "I love how you sleep," and continued to stare. I live in a residence off campus and I've already changed roommates twice this year. I'm stuck with a person who stares at me sleep for the next two years. FML
Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML
Today, my brother changed the password on my laptop so that I can't log into my profile. All my notes for school are on it and finals start on Monday. Guess who can't remember the new password. FML
Today, my girlfriend made a delicious birthday breakfast, and she said there would be a surprise at the end. Today is not my birthday, it's her ex's. FML
Today, at work, I spent half an hour on the phone with a customer. At the end of the conversation, as he was putting down the phone, I heard him say 'God, he was a miserable git'. I'm a 28 year old woman. FML
Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML
Today, I got pulled over for a traffic violation. Thinking I could get away with it, I spoke with a French accent. The officer then asked me a question in perfect French. I got a ticket. FML
Today, at work, whilst on hold with an important client, I said to my co-workers, "Fucking hell, this woman sounds high as a kite." I heard a cough on the other end of the phone. All calls are recorded. FML
Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML
Today, it was my friend's 18th birthday. She had invited us out drinking. I've never had alcohol before and was very excited. I got a call explaining that she had invited one too many and asked me not to come. People bragging on Facebook about what a great time they were having didn't help either. FML
Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML
Today, my boss contacted me to come in for a quick meeting. I drove 30 minutes to get to work only to find out she was firing me and wanted my key card back. FML
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