Mrs Warsaw, U.S.A. 30 years-old In a relationship
Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML
Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML
Today, I had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up, because she didn't realize the clocks had gone forward already. FML
Today, my purse was stolen. Too bad it had all of my money and my passport. My flight is tomorrow, and the embassy is closed until Monday. Guess who gets to stay in a foreign country with no money and no identification for the next three days. FML
Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML
Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. As we got to the ticket booth, a couple of girls queued behind us. My boyfriend graciously introduced me as his little sister, and invited the girls to join us. We've been together for two years. FML
Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML
Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML
Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML
Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML
Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML
Today, my mom went to grab my sheets off my bed. I said that I would do it, to which she responded, "Calm down, it's not like I've never seen 'spludge' before." FML
Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML
Today, my parents overheard me having sex with my girlfriend. They thought it would be funny to barge in with nothing but underwear on. This has happened twice now. FML
Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML
Today, my buddy told me he was going to get an HIV test at the health department. Without thinking, I told him to "think positive". FML
Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML
Today, my mom called me crazy and told me she wanted to put me in a mental hospital. She did this after repeatedly hitting me with a shoe. Why? Because I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. FML
Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML
Today, my husband threw up in the shower after drinking almost a whole bottle of wine. The shower won't drain now. Happy Thanksgiving. FML
Today, I started undressing in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, "Excuse me, please" because I was blocking the T.V. FML
Today, a guy took me to meet his parents on a second date. I stopped answering his calls afterwards, but he's just left me a voice-mail informing me that he's in love with me. I'm scared. FML
Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML
Today, I was making out with a girl who I've had a crush on for a while now. It was all going fine until one of my teeth decided to dislodge itself. She promptly spat out the tooth and left. FML
Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML
Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML
Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML
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