Today, I discovered the top I'm wearing becomes completely see-through when it rains. I just got caught in a storm on my lunch break, and still have 3 hours of work to go in my male dominated office. FML
Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML
Today, I was in the airport after saying goodbye to my boyfriend who left for three months. Walking back to my car, I saw a young couple kissing passionately. If that wasn't bad enough, the guy then picked his girlfriend up, spun her round in the air and her foot kicked me square in the jaw. FML
Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML
Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML
Today, my coworker called in to say that he couldn't make it to work today because he was in a coma and asked if I could cover his shift. This isn't the first time he's tried to use this excuse. FML
Today, I told my dad that I was going to sleep over my friend's house this weekend with a few other guys to play Dungeons and Dragons. He responded with, "Oh, back in my day, me and my pals used to pick on the kids who played Dungeons and Dragons." FML
Today, it's the five year anniversary of the day I broke up with my girlfriend to see other people. I've not had sex a single time since. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML
Today, my boyfriend whispered to me, “I’m so tired of these fucking mosquitos.” When I asked why he was whispering, he said, “So they can’t hear me.” FML
Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML
Today, I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then I accidentally threw my phone in the river instead of the stick and was standing there talking to the stick while my phone sat at the bottom of the river. FML
Today, I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend over the phone about having sex. She said, "You have to piss on me to get me pregnant, that's what I heard anyway." She's 16. FML
Today, I went to my Calculus lecture, one of a class of 200 people. As I looked down I noticed that a guy a few rows in front of me was on Facebook. When I took a closer look, I noticed he was viewing my profile. He stalked the profile for a full 45 minutes. I have never met this guy in my life. FML
Today, I went to a jeweler's to buy a ring to propose to my girlfriend. When I was at the restaurant, in mid-proposal, with people watching, I realized I had left the ring in the store. FML
Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML
Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML
Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turned to my dog and said, "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML
Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML
Today, while my 18 pound cat was on the edge of the tub watching me shower, he fell in. Apparently, in his mind, the best way to get away from the water is to climb my bare legs. FML
Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML
Today, I spent over an hour shovelling the walkway and driveway, snow blowing in my face and down my coat. When I was finally finished, a guy started going through the neighborhood plowing everyone's driveways for them. FML
Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML
Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. He put me up against the wall and I yelled, "Harder!" without thinking. I heard the entire house go silent, my dad and his friends included. FML
Today, I had to use a dictionary before I realized I was being flirted with. FML
Today, I was exhausted due to staying up all night practicing for the most important performance of my orchestral career. I decided to take a nap to energize myself in preparation of the evening and woke up just in time to realize I'd missed the entire concert. FML
Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML
Today, my best friend told me she no longer wants an "active friendship" with me. She says she doesn't have time to see me, since she has a boyfriend and a bunch of friends she's spent years bitching to me about. We've gone from a 14-year friendship to awkwardly nodding at each other in the street. FML
Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML
Today, my mom's "hobby" of rescuing homeless people became very real. We now have 3 more people living in our house, and none of them have a sense of personal space. I wake up to their faces in my windows. Thanks mom. FML
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