F___M__L

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

Today, a woman laughed after hearing my voice for the first time. This happens whenever I meet someone new, without fail. FML

Hygiene police

Today, my daughter and husband surprised me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumped back from the hug and said, "Ewwww, smells like fish." FML

Today, my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday." FML

Today, my therapist told me that I need to do something different with my hair. Then I paid her. FML

Today, I was fired. My boss told me via email that it was because I "don't have enough experience with fun spiritual." Uh, what? FML

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

Functioning

Today, I realised that what I had thought was my dad's default state for the past 17 years is actually his drunken state. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

Why would you go and do a thing like that?

Today, I inexplicably claimed ownership of someone else's fart in the subway. FML

Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML

Today, my boss gave me an "All You Need to Know About Grammar" type book. FML

Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

Today, I was at my job in the Halloween store. I had to tell someone, "Please stop hitting the Bieber wig with that pimp cane." FML

Sounds neat

Today, I drove to the liquor store completely naked except for my dressing gown, with a carload of idiot stoners who ran in and stole vodka, tequila and whiskey. We drank in a bush. Last week I was a good citizen, and now I'm white trash. I'm not quite sure what happened in between. FML

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were at dinner with his parents when he discreetly slid his hand up my skirt and tickled me. This caused me to kick his dad's recently broken leg. FML

Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML

Been there, done that

Today, I accidentally called my teacher "Babe." FML