Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. My phone started ringing and it was my Mom, she said I could answer it. As I answered the phone my girlfriend started playing with my dick. I moaned. Loud. FML
Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML
Today, I discovered that the rancid stench in my bathroom was a decaying carcass of a mouse in my toilet tank. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, when I needed the loo. The door was ajar, so I walked into his bathroom, sat down, and started to pee. I then looked up to see the shocked face of his dad sitting naked in the bath. FML
Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML
Today, I went to a tanning salon. I guess nobody mentioned that you have to lift your fat rolls or you'll end up with weird stripes where the spray never reached. FML
Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML
Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were making love in the backseat. Being in the moment we didn't notice the car moving. We DID notice the pole that stopped us though. FML
Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me, "Don't worry, someday you'll be mature as well." By this, he meant that I will be willing to have sex with him in public. FML
Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML
Today, I sat in the cafeteria at work and saw a girl, which is a rare sight at my workplace, from the back with a beautifully long ponytail. After a full hour of building up courage to perhaps say hi to her, she turned around. It was a 50-year-old man. FML
Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML
Today, one week after my girlfriend berated me for not being invested enough in our relationship, I proposed to her. Her answer? "I meant give me an orgasm, not a ring!" FML
Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML
Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend secretly using my hair straightener while I was in the other room. Too embarrassed to talk to him about it, I left and came back later, only to discover him slipping on a pair of my panties. FML
Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML
Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML
Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML
Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML
Today, I was in the elevator with my boss when I accidentally let rip the vilest, most horrifying fart of my life as we left the first floor. We stood in silence as the elevator slowly ascended to the 21st floor, leaving us to marinate in the fumes. FML
Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML
Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML
Today, I met an old friend from high school and his hot girlfriend. I jokingly said she must be blind to go out with him. His response: "Yeah, she is." FML
Today, I sold my Xbox and Kinect to a guy. I forgot that sometimes I'd play Dance Central naked, and the Kinect would make videos. This guy now has videos of me, naked, badly dancing. FML
Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML
Today, I had to re-grade a student's assignments because neither he, nor his parents can read "Spanish." I'd written in cursive. FML
Today, on Facebook, my sister posted a ton of photos of herself wearing a skimpy bikini, commenting that she looked hideous and fat. I can't stand attention-seeking fuckballs, so I called her on it. My mother then condemned me for "mocking" my sister, and grounded me for an entire month. FML
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