Today, I found out that the pool boy has been stealing from me for over a year now. The latest things that he has taken are my laptop, the cash I hide in my closet, and my wife. FML
Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML
Today, I met my brother for the first time in 20 years. Everything was going great, until he tried to make out with me. FML
Today, my boyfriend sang "Happy birthday" to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembers the date of the first time he went down on me. FML
Today, I found out that my favorite song since I was a small child is actually about anal sex and delaying an orgasm. FML
Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML
Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML
Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML
Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML
Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML
Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "The Fuckinator." FML
Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML
Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML
Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a "Blink If You Want Me" shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML
Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML
Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML
Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML
Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying, "Next time, I'll call." FML
Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML
Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. He laughed at me and said, "That's hilarious because I was going to ask you if you could take a pay cut!" FML
Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML
Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML
Today, I got my score back for the monologue I performed. I got points taken off for "seeming nervous." My character was supposed to be nervous. FML
Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML
Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom." That's how he put it, anyway. FML
Today, I told a customer that we don't do refunds. He responded by throwing his wallet at my face and accusing me of stealing it. FML
Today, I caught myself yelling at the girl in the porn I was watching for looking at the camera every other second. FML
Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML
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