Mr Yuba City, United States 46 years-old
Today, my boyfriend told everyone I queef during sex. Even his parents are calling me "Cooter Pooter." FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend scratch her crotch and then sniff her fingers. FML
Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML
Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML
Today, my cousin came to visit from America. While out shopping, she said loudly that she was having trouble finding clothes to fit around her huge fanny, causing a lot of people to stare in our direction. I had to explain to her that "fanny" in the UK means "vagina." FML
Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML
Today, my family and I argued whether getting a period or boner in the middle of class was worse. At the dinner table. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, with only a Santa hat on. FML
Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML
Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying he needed me to bail him out of jail. The crime? Masturbating in public. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML
Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML
Today, at work, my boss made me spend a hour trying to catch a baby raccoon in the parking lot. I'm a bank teller. FML
Today, I failed my driving test. The examiner insisted I that didn't check a junction before pulling out. I did, he just didn't notice because he was too busy staring at my chest. FML
Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML
Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML
Today, I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. FML
Today, my marriage counselor told me I have the communication skills of a Lou Gehrig's patient. FML
Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he had ever cheated on me. In the most sincere and honest tone, he said "if I ever have or ever will, there's no way you would ever find out. I love you too much to lose you", and gave me a hug. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if I could call him "love muffin". He asked if he could call me "muffin top". FML
Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML
Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were in his car when he burst out crying, I thought it might have been because we had gotten into a huge fight and he felt bad. No, he cried on my shoulder for a half hour because he misses his ex-girlfriend. He's been writing songs about wanting her back. FML
Today, I realized the nicest thing my fiancé has said to me all month was that I have "very suckable titties." FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend had sex with three different guys in one day. All at a party. A party that I was at. FML
Today, I woke up to an early Christmas present on my car. It was a nicely wrapped box containing a dead bird, a half eaten sandwich, and a note reading "MERRY F**KING CHRISTMAS STAN." This will probably be my only Christmas present. My name is Luke. FML
Today, I found out that being rushed unconscious to the hospital and missing work qualifies you for termination if you don't call in, even if you have a note from the ER doctor. FML
Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML
Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML
Today, after informing my boss that I needed stress leave from my 70-hour-a-week shifts, I got my new work assignment. Sixty hours a week, starting at 2 a.m. FML
Today, my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone. Faint splashes punctuated her grunting, straining sounds. FML
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