Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed together, and I was in a snuggly mood. I rolled over to gaze lovingly into his eyes and whisper sweet nothings to him in the darkness. His response? "Dear God! Did somebody fart in your mouth?!" FML
Today, I was giving a strip tease over Skype to my boyfriend. My mom walked in mid-way through, took a long look at me, said hi to my boyfriend, and walked out. FML
Today, I was in the shower 'grooming' myself for my second anniversary with my boyfriend. Halfway through the hot water ran out. I now have the choice of going with the low 'half-fro' or risking hypothermia. My boyfriend thinks hypothermia would be the better option. FML
Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML
Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight. Two trailer accidents, two construction zones, three detours, and one police escort later, the airline wouldn't let me on the plane. FML
Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML
Today, I finally confessed my feelings to my long time crush. He was the only one I've been able to muster up the courage to open up to. He replied, "lmao" and hasn't texted back since. FML
Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML
Today, we had a tornado warning and I told my parents I loved them, just in case. My dad just said, "See you in Kansas." FML
Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML
Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML
Today, at 6am I was waiting for the tram to go home from my late night job. A homeless man came up to me and offered to buy me a beer because "guys like us have to stick together." FML
Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door…" I'd forgotten about that option. FML
Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML
Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML
Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML
Today, my wife and I were planning our nursery for our future child. She said that we'd be painting it pink either way. I asked what would happen if we had a boy. She said "Oh, he'll be gay" with a menacing glare. I'm worried. FML
Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML
Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML
Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML
Today, I got a call from a girl I was seeing. She said that she was falling for someone else, but she still liked me and couldn't decide what to do. Being the romantic (idiot) I am, I told her that she should do what would make her happiest, thinking that she would pick me. She didn't. FML
Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered, "Slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML
Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said, "You know you can't wash and reuse these?" FML
Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML
Today, I came home to find that all my porn magazines had been "censored" with a black sharpie. FML
Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML
Today, while shopping at American Eagle, I found the same "$1,500" wedding ring my fiancé proposed to me with, marked on sale for $10.95. FML
Today, I shaved my head because I heard that one of my good friends got cancer. I went to visit her in the hospital. She's not bald. FML
Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML
Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML
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