Miss 36 years-old It's complicated
Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML
Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paperwork. Later, she asked me, "What does caucasian mean?" I replied, "Why?" Apparently she didn't recognize the word, so she checked "Other" and wrote in "White". FML
Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When I came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML
Today, I was at soccer practice. The ground's keeper just aerated the field, and my teammates and I decided to throw the cylindrical clumps of dirt at each other. I got hit in the face with one. It wasn't dirt. It was a clump of wet dog poop. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting in the mood. I got on top of him, leaned down to kiss him, and he began to laugh. Puzzled, I asked him why. He told me that when I'm naked and on top of him, I reminded him of a cow, with "udders." Offended, I went to get off him. "No no!" he protested, "a SEXY cow." FML
Today, I was awoken at 1:30 a.m. by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML
Today, I woke up with a cordless drill on my bed. The one I lent my neighbour last week. FML
Today, I decided to cut class with one of my friends and we ended up going to Burger King. As we sat down at the table, I heard my name being called. My mum was getting lunch through the drive thru with my little brother and saw my car parked out front. FML
Today, against the will of the kids in my class, we played kick ball. The first time I rolled the ball, the tallest, biggest kid kicked it as hard as he could. I caught it though, with my nuts. FML
Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML
Today, I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom. After I knocked on the door and turned the handle, a little old lady ripped the door open and yelled, "I WAS TAKING A DUMP. YOU WANNA COME IN AND WIPE MY SHIT? DO YOU?!" and then continued to ask me the same question for five minutes. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML
Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML
Today, while I was substitute teaching a middle school class, a boy, named Chris, refused to get in the boy's line for the bathroom. After I had said, "Chris, what makes you think you're a girl?" in a very loud voice, one of the other students said "She is a girl." I've scarred a child for life. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said, "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML
Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML
Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML
Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML
Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML
Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML
Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied, "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML
Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML
Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family has nicknamed me "The Hobbit". FML
Today, at my job in a cosmetics department, I was helping a customer find something to her taste. She said, "I want a lipstick like yours. Something that says, 'I'm a bitch'." FML
Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML
Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML
Today, I told my son he couldn't have a toy. He threw a fit, looked me in the eye, and screamed, "Daddy's right! You are a bitch!" The whole store was watching. FML
Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML
Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML
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