Miss Anchorage, USA 34 years-old In a relationship
Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML
Today, while I was out shopping, my pants decided that they just didn't have enough holes in them, and ripped a new one in the crotch. FML
Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML
Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know…" and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML
Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped my phone while I was crossing the road. Luckily, it survived the fall. Not so luckily, an oncoming bus steamrolled it into oblivion. FML
Today, I was driving back home with my family. I had to sit quietly for half an hour, all while pretending I didn't notice my sister playing with herself under the coat on her lap. FML
Today, my boss fired me because I look like her ex-boyfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML
Today, I played Call Of Duty online against someone who turned out to be wanking. FML
Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML
Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML
Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML
Today, I was talking dirty with someone on the phone, when at one point I said, "Oh yeah, you like that?" She responded, "I can't actually feel anything you know, we're just on the phone." FML
Today, my husband bleached his hair so, "our future kids will have blond hair too." I'm already married to this guy. FML
Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML
Today, I was drinking from a water bottle while in a lecture. The water caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking to death. Instead of asking me if I was okay or trying to help, the guy sitting next to me told me to shut up. FML
Today, I found out that if a jock calls you a nerd in the street and you retaliate with a witty comeback, be prepared to run. Fast. FML
Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML
Today, I admitted my fear of small spaces to my boyfriend. His response was to immediately lock me in the hall closet. FML
Today, I was apparently tired enough to spray silly string under my armpits rather than deodorant. FML
Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML
Today, I tried to open a can with a potato peeler. For a minute I forgot what a can opener looked like. FML
Today, my girlfriend woefully admitted that she thinks of me more as a brother than as a boyfriend, all while I was still inside her. FML
Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I'm working on my PhD in engineering. FML
Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first time in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML
Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML
Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML
Today, I was in a Zumba class with a young woman in her 20s and an older woman in her 80s. I couldn't keep up with either one of them. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
