Miss Natalieland, USA 30 years-old Single
Today, it's been a year since I've been with my girlfriend, and I think that I hate more things about her than I like. For instance, how she likes to throw furniture at me. FML
Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML
Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to change her pad while we were sitting in a crowded movie theatre. She succeeded and slipped the used pad into her purse. I can't get rid of the memory, and I don't think I can ever eat popcorn again. FML
Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML
Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML
Today, my mother panicked and was about to report me missing when I didn't answer her calls while I was at a movie. I'm 31, and have lived on my own for over 10 years. FML
Today, I fell over a wet floor sign warning you not to fall over. The irony hurt more than the fall. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML
Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML
Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML
Today, I had to say, "Put away your burrito," "That ruler is not a lightsaber," and, "Stop making dog noises" all in the same sentence at work. I teach Advanced Placement Calculus to high school seniors. FML
Today, in algebra, I took out my notebook. My Chinese teacher was so impressed with my "Chinese" writings on the cover that I'm now her "favorite student". Those "Chinese" symbols are actually Japanese, but I wanted someone to like me so badly that I didn't correct her. FML
Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML
Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML
Today, while riding the bus, a creepy guy gave me the "rape glare" and another guy repeated every word to the conversation I was having with my friend under his breath. FML
Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML
Today, it was my first day on the job as a first grade teacher. One student pushed another, so I asked him to apologize. His response? "If you boss me around, I'll tell Daddy you touched me somewhere you shouldn't have." I think I'm now this kid's slave. FML
Today, I walked out of the store, car keys in hand, only to discover my car was missing. After a frantic search, I started to hyperventilate and a nearly had a full-blown panic attack. Then I remembered I walked to the store. I am an idiot. FML
Today, my wife is totally convinced that she was abducted by aliens last night, all because she fell out of bed. FML
Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML
Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML
Today, I was walking to the bus stop when someone slapped an innocent person in the face with a fish. I was that innocent person. FML
Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML
Today, I tried to open a can with a potato peeler. For a minute I forgot what a can opener looked like. FML
Today, I had three things converge that should never be together: my period, hot doctor, and a colonoscopy. FML
Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML
Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be a great time to stick his finger up my nose. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he tried to put it in. A few minutes later, he said, "It's not hard enough." We tried for another half hour to fix that. We ended up eating ice cream. FML
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