Morgansgirl

Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML

Today, I am pregnant, and my boyfriend dumped me, saying that he didn't want to be stuck in anything too serious. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

Dude, STFU!

Today, at the cinema, I sat next to a guy who couldn’t stand a minute without laughing or making comments about the film. FML

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

Today, I arrived at the station at 7:30pm sharp for the train... which was cancelled. FML

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

Today, for the first time I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous, nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask her phone number. It’s only when I arrived back home that I realized there was a digit missing. FML

Today, I got braces fitted. For the next two years, I'll be the most handsome guy on earth. FML

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

Today, during my beloved's birthday party, I had so much to drink that I puked all over the room. FML

Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

Subtle

Today, during the trailers at the movies, my boyfriend elbowed me in the ribs and smiled when an ad for a weight loss institute was shown. FML

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML

Rent hike to be expected

Today, my 63-year-old neighbor jumped out of his window. I was the first to find him, alive, naked and stuck in a bush. I guess I shouldn't have laughed at him while waiting for the ambulance, because he turned out to be my landlord. FML

Today, it has been a year and a half since my boyfriend discovered online poker. Annoyed to see him spending every evening playing on his laptop, I threatened him: “Now honey, you have to choose. It’s your poker or me!” Answer: “You are bluffing!” FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Today, at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. Turns out he wasn't wearing a costume, his eye was shot out with a BB gun. This explains the eye patch. FML

The bitch is back

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, as an April fools day joke, I decided to tell my mom and dad that I was gay. After an awkward silence, my mom looks at me, smiles, and says, "well, we have known for a while." She wasn't joking. FML

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

Today, I was riding my bike without the seat cover on. I hit a curb wrong and the two metal rods from the skeleton of the seat went through my jeans. I went to the med clinic to then find out that I had to get stitches in my scrotum. There were no male doctors. FML