Miss none of your, damn business 31 years-old In a relationship
Today, I attempted to wax my "lady area". It hurt more than losing my virginity. FML
Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML
Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML
Today, my boyfriend said he was going to give me breakfast in bed before he left. He walked over, threw some granola bars on the bed next to me and left. FML
Today, I found out the bed I sleep in is the bed I was conceived in. FML
Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML
Today, I paid for someone else's piss so that I could pass my drug test. I didn't pass the drug test. FML
Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML
Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML
Today, I realized I have more in common with a cantaloupe than I do with my boyfriend. FML
Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML
Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML
Today, I was jumped and savagely beaten to the ground by a group of six-year-olds wearing Disney princess masks. FML
Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML
Today, I found out that my new girlfriend breastfeeds her dolls. FML
Today, in a drunken state, I decided that it would be a good idea to shave with a pizza cutter. FML
Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML
Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML
Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML
Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML
Today, while riding my bike on the sidewalk, I came across a ladder. To avoid bad luck, I swerved around it into the street. I got hit by a car. FML
Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They apparently thought it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML
Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML
Today, I found my dog, who had been missing for over a month, at the local pound. Clearly it was my dog, she responded to her name and cried when she saw me. However, the woman there told me I could not simply take her, I had to follow through with all policies. I paid $250 to adopt my own dog. FML
Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML
Today, while babysitting a six year-old boy, he asked me if I could show him my "boobies." I said no, that wouldn't be very appropriate. Suddenly, he pulled down his undies and pointed at his package while exclaiming, "Look, my penis is on again!" It was pointing RIGHT at me. FML
Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML
Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML
Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML
Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML
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