Orange 27 years-old Single
Today, I travelled across an ocean to visit the guy I'm dating. He lied to me about his apartment; he lives in a dorm with a twin-sized bed and a bathroom he shares with eight guys. Just now, after taking three trains from the airport to his "apt", he asked me to edit his essay while he goes to class. FML
Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend's cousin. After trying to stick his finger up my butt, he blacked out on top of me with his penis still hard inside me. I tried yelling his name and pushing him off, with no success. I ended up having to call my friend to help me. FML
Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML
Today, I accidentally rear-ended an undercover police car. FML
Today, I was coaching at a swim meet. I heard a few of my swimmers screaming about a huge wasp on my head, so I told everyone to stay calm because we didn't want to upset the wasp. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by another coach from our team hitting me repeatedly on the head with a clipboard. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He also decided the best way to end our relationship was to kill me and our virtual child on The Sims 3 by setting us on fire. FML
Today, I went for a run. When I got home, no one was there so I took off my clothes and laid on the cool wood floor. I decided to call my girlfriend and we started talking in baby voices. That's when my mom walked into the house witnessing everything. FML
Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML
Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML
Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML
Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML
Today, I went to my son's high school play. The moment I arrived at the auditorium, I shouted out his name to let him know I made it. Thinking I was a student, a teacher yelled, "SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!" Scared out of my mind, I quickly obeyed, to mass giggling from the kids. FML
Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML
Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML
Today, I had to be the one to break it to my daughter that WWE fighting was staged. She began crying. However, last month she didn't shed a single tear at her grandmother's funeral. FML
Today, I went to a concert with my boyfriend. I was repeatedly ass-grabbed, grinded on and hit on by guys. My boyfriend's response was, "As long as they continue to bring you free beer, let them get a little feel of what they are paying for." FML
Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. His sister and I filled the air vents in his car with confetti so when he starts the car, it would blow all over him. In the process we lost the keys. The keys cost $200 to replace. Happy Birthday! FML
Today, I was at a family reunion, but I've always hated my family. I walked up behind my husband and said, "I can't wait to go home and get it on." My husband turned around. It was my uncle, wearing the same hat as my husband's. FML
Today, I played a Jazz gig. It rained, making the tent the band performed under heavy with water. When I stepped forward to play my solo, the front end of the tent collapsed under the weight of the rain, drenching me. FML
Today, my mom called me a bastard, told me I should run away, and said I don't deserve to live in her house. All because I didn't use a plate when I ate a Poptart. FML
Today, I spent about 10 minutes searching frantically for my cell phone, while holding it up to my ear and talking to my friend about my plans tonight. FML
Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML
Today, my mom and siblings got into a fight. Being generally quiet and non-confrontational, I stayed out of it. Shortly thereafter, I was yelled at by my mother for being "ungrateful" and "disrespectful." I still don't know what I did wrong. FML
Today, I found out the girl I've been fooling around with for two weeks has a boyfriend, who is in jail, and is a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. FML
Today, I totaled my car, because I mistook the leaves blowing across the road for a child. I swerved and hit a tree. The home owner wants to sue for "harming his tree" and hospital wants to test my mental stability. FML
Today, I started my new job. It seems my colleagues are moronic pranksters, because when I leaned back in my chair, the backrest came apart and I fell to the ground, to much laughter. My boss immediately shouted at me to, "Stop fucking about." I thought this only happened in movies. FML
Today, while shopping, I bumped into a guy I knew in high school. He went on about he heard I'd got married, looked like I'd had a baby, and that, "she looks just like you!" The kid was my niece, and my husband broke up with me 2 years ago. Thanks for bringing that up. FML
Today, I went into hysterics and started crying when my boyfriend pulled out a Tiffany's box at dinner. Then I found out he'd used the old box to make the $15 earrings he bought seem more "special." FML
Today, a parent was too busy texting to notice her child had run in front of a moving truck. She did however see me grab the child's backpack to yank him back out of traffic. She then screamed at me for "manhandling" her child and demanded I be fired. It's not even my school; I'm a part time sub. FML
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