CheesyFan20

Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick his nose for him. FML

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML

Today, while in my doctor's packed waiting room, an elderly woman insisted I take her seat. I thanked her, but politely declined. She began to yell, saying I was "ungrateful", until I sat down. She then left, laughing, as I discovered that she peed in the chair. Apparently, she does this often. FML

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

Captain Badass

Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML

Drive on

Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the cop who'd pulled me over, as he handed me my ticket. FML

Today, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. That's where I met his pregnant girlfriend. FML

Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML

Today, my boyfriend threw me into his pool. I had my phone and iPod in my pockets. FML

I got skills

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy if he bit me on the lips. Normally, I would have enjoyed it, if the lips in question were the ones on my face. FML

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

Today, in the spirit of Christmas, I let a spider live in my room. I normally kill them, because I'm scared of waking up with one on my face. I woke up with it on my face. FML

Today, my husband bleached his hair so, "our future kids will have blond hair too." I'm already married to this guy. FML

Owner of a lonely heart

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

Today, I offered an elderly man my seat on the train. He thanked me by winking and offering me a seat on his lap. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

Wrong end of the stick

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

Today, when I was laying in my bed, I looked on the opposite side and saw a spider the size of my palm staring at me. And if that wasn't bad, I found out it hops. I still can't find it. FML

It's a conspiracy!

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

Freak in the streets…

Today, I spotted a girl I have a crush on while grocery shopping. Before I could go over and say hi, I noticed her walk over and stroke a few kitchen knives through plastic wrapping. Then I spotted her in the dog food section sniffing rawhide bones with her eyes closed, looking very happy. FML

Today, I had to watch my drunk girlfriend yell at a cat for not having periods. The worst part is that she was at a pet store. The pet store at which I work. FML

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

Today, at a restaurant, I happily watched as my boyfriend of three years got down on his knees and proposed to me. Before I could say yes and hug him, a girl flung herself at him, kissed him and shouted, "Yes!" With us still highly confused, she then ran away. FML