Miss Cincinatti, United States 30 years-old Single
Today, while sleeping over at my girlfriend's house for the first time, I got up to go to the bathroom. I went to go back and once in the room asked, "You ready for round two baby?" The light came on and at this moment I realized I went into her parents' bedroom by mistake. FML
Today, I found out a guy I work with has an eye twitch. I thought he was just a winker. I have been winking back all week. He either thinks I'm an asshole or am trying to seduce him. FML
Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML
Today, I accidentally ran over a squirrel on the road. I was late for work so I didn't stop. Later, someone keyed the word PETA into the side of my car. FML
Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML
Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML
Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML
Today, I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. FML
Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML
Today, it was both my and my stepmother's birthday. In preparation, my dad bought a huge banner with my stepmother's name on it, and a lovely birthday cake. When I told him it was also my birthday, he just grunted and taped a post-it note to the banner with my name on it. Same with the cake. FML
Today, I found out the girl I gave my virginity to gave me gonorrhea. FML
Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML
Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself last night was my sister's Furby that she'd stuck in the closet. FML
Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML
Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML
Today, I found out my cat is allergic to ME. No kidding. FML
Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML
Today, I used my hair straightener to attempt to straighten my eyelashes and burned my eyelid. I don't know what's sadder, that fact I thought it would be fun, or that I was stupid enough to think I wouldn't hurt myself. FML
Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. Ten minutes after, he called me asking how to change his relationship status on Facebook. FML
Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML
Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML
Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML
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