Today, my mom went to the store. She said she was feeling generous, and had gotten everyone a little treat. My brothers each got candy and a movie. I got acne medication. FML
Today, I realised how socially inept I am, when I muttered an apology to my laptop after I noticed I hadn't plugged its charger in. FML
Today, I checked over the pictures on my night-cam to see if my cats are really going on our kitchen counters. As soon as I'd seen the first picture, I realized that this whole time that my cats hadn't been going on it. It was a rat. FML
Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML
Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML
Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML
Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a coworker. I got her the job. FML
Today, I sneaked off work early. As I was in the elevator on the way down to leave, it stopped at my boss's floor, and he got in. FML
Today, I got denied a job. They told me I was unreliable because I didn't show up for my third interview. This is the same interview they called and cancelled this morning. FML
Today, I was attacked by a bird at three in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and it decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML
Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML
Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML
Today, my dad put in wall plug-ins that emit high frequencies that are suppose to ward off mice. I must be a mouse, because I can hear the annoying noise in every room I walk into. FML
Today, I had to pee in the kitchen sink because my bathroom is being completely revamped, and the only other toilet in the house is my parents'. They refuse to let anyone use it. FML
Today, I took my first shower in weeks after having had spinal surgery. My sister flushed a toilet. I couldn't reach the nozzle or my cane to get off the shower bench, and all I could do was sit there as scalding hot water sprayed all over me. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It's OK, though, she says we can still go on the vacation I planned next month for our 3 year anniversary, just "as friends." The tickets are non-refundable. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He swore it wouldn't be 2 minutes long this time. He was right. It was 3 minutes. FML
Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML
Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML
Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML
Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML
Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML
Today, I told my mom I want to get liposuction. She said "Whats the point? Its not like you can get lipo on your face!". FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her new clothes. She's gone from a size 4 to a size 12 during our relationship. FML
Today, at Church, the little boy sitting behind me asked his mother if I had the chicken pox, because there were red dots all over my face. I've had bad acne since I was twelve. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "Can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML
Today, I forgot my work clothes at home, so my boss gave me a jacket with a name patch that said "Mike". Still wearing my work clothes, I ran into my ex-girlfriend on my way home. We were together for five years, until she dumped me for a guy name Mike. FML
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