Mr
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML
Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML
Today, I went to see a psychiatrist for my depression and low self esteem. While in the waiting room, I overheard a guy telling his friend how ugly I am. FML
Today, I realised it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realised taking a dump is more satisfying. FML
Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She's a sock puppet. FML
Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML
Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML
Today, my boyfriend walked in on me in the bathroom. That's how he found out that I wax my nipples. FML
Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML
Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML
Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn't tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. FML
Today, is my birthday. Everyone forgot except my stalker. He rang the door bell the second it turned 12:00. FML
Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML
Today, my mother and girlfriend were joking around and talking about the embarrassing things I've done. After they'd had a lengthy conversation, my girlfriend mentioned, "And he always farts during sex." FML
Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML
Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML
Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML
Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML
Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend uses me for two things. 1) My food. 2) My sister. FML
Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML
Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML
Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML
Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML
Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML
Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML
Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML
Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML
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