Mr
Today, I found out why my parents forgot my birthday. Facebook didn't remind them. FML
Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year-old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML
Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML
Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML
Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML
Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML
Today, I got a text message from my ex from about a year ago, asking if my 4-day-old son was his. I don't know what's sadder - the fact that he thinks a gestation period can last 11 months, or that he's more willing to step up to the plate than the baby's actual father. FML
Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML
Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML
Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML
Today, I went skinny dipping with my friends. A security man drove up the dock we were on with his bike. After informing us that the dock was closed, and noticing all of our swimsuits on the dock, he refused to move his flashlight beam from us in the water. FML
Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML
Today, I decided to work out. Being too embarrassed to run in public, I instead ran in circles in my basement. FML
Today, my parents canceled the Internet at our house because they view it as a "passing fad." FML
Today, desperate after a very painful breakup, I poured my heart and soul out to my old teddy bear. When I finished, I asked what he would do in my situation. Right on cue, a gust of wind came through the window and sent him falling off the windowsill and crashing head-first onto the floor. FML
Today, my boyfriend still couldn't work out where my clitoris is. It's RIGHT THERE, you idiot. I've pointed it out, but each time it's like he needs a compass and a map or something. FML
Today, I realized that the redneck, hick, abusive family that my co-workers always joke about is my family. FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend of a year kissing another girl. When I walked up to confront him about it, he tried to convince the other girl he didn't know who I was. FML
Today, I was in a public restroom. The guy in the urinal next to me was making loud sounds of discomfort. I ignored him and finished up. I turned around to be greeted by his red swollen beehive of a crotch, and him asking, "Is my penis supposed to look like this?" FML
Today, I ran into my boyfriend's dad. His exact words were, "Call me when you're ready to feel what a real man can do to you." FML
Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML
Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML
Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML
Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her iTunes was on random. "Rape Me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML
Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML
Today, someone in class was making a point about premarital intercourse - "90% of teen virgins aren't saving it for marriage, they just can't get any." Another classmate pointed me out specifically. FML
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