howell, USA 32 years-old
Today, my dad made me quit my online school classes and go back to public school, because apparently when I'm on the computer, it makes his video games lag. FML
Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML
Today, I took my last final on a Scantron sheet with 200 multiple choice questions, with seconds to spare. When I finished the last question, I saw I had another bubble to fill in and I didn't know where I screwed up. FML
Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML
Today, I was pushed over and robbed in a parking lot by a man in an ugly Christmas sweater. When I looked up, I was too distracted by the sweater to even look at his face. FML
Today, I found out why my room-mates and I have been ill for the past week. Apparently a rodent climbed into our water cooker and died. I have been drinking tea and eating noodles that have been tainted by a corpse all this time. FML
Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML
Today, I had to slowly explain to my daughter why her Facebook profile isn't a valid piece of ID. FML
Today, I went to get a nice, relaxing hot stone massage. Instead I got second degree burns on my legs. FML
Today, trying to be romantic, I invited my girlfriend over to watch a movie. I said she could pick one up on the way, and I'd pay for it later. I ended up having to suffer through some "movie" that involved nothing but Nicolas Cage gurning like a stroke victim between crappy fight scenes. FML
Today, a cute girl was walking towards me. She held up her hand for a high five, so I also did the same. I hadn't noticed her friend behind me, and was left hanging and embarrassed. FML
Today, I totaled my car, because I mistook the leaves blowing across the road for a child. I swerved and hit a tree. The home owner wants to sue for "harming his tree" and hospital wants to test my mental stability. FML
Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML
Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I got was a coupon for a couples acupuncture session from my sister. I'm single and have an extreme fear of needles. FML
Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." She then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML
Today, I got stuck for a while in a hallway between two security doors due to a malfunction. I'm not claustrophobic, but I sure am sensitive to horrifying smells coming from a nearby bathroom stall. FML
Today, my wife made a joke about the size of my package, so figuring all's fair in love and war, I bought some laxatives to prank her with. They took a lot longer to work than I thought, and I ended up lying in bed, listening to my wife shitting her guts out in the bathroom for over an hour. FML
Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML
Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML
Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML
Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML
Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML
Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML
Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML
Today, my mom was freaking out about me handling a CD-ROM with my bare hands. When I asked her what all the commotion was about, she said she was worried that I would catch "one of those computer viruses" she'd heard about on the news. FML
Today, I had to give my husband a tutorial on how to use jumper cables. Confused and flustered, he requested written instructions. FML
Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML
Today, I took off my sweatshirt in the middle of class. The tanktop I was wearing underneath went with it. FML
Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML
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