asianbitch69

Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML

Today, I get to stand in the unemployment line for the second time in a year because my company can't pay me. My parents own the company. FML

Today, the only thing that cheered me up was a documentary about IKEA, and seeing how my furniture was made. FML

Am I being detained?

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML

Today, I realized you should always knock on your parents' door before entering. Even at 6:30 am. FML

Today, I got my score back for the monologue I performed. I got points taken off for "seeming nervous." My character was supposed to be nervous. FML

Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom." That's how he put it, anyway. FML

Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

Today, while waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower, I chatted with his grandma. As soon as we hear him exit the restroom, she smirks at me and lets a huge, smelly fart out. She blamed it on me. My boyfriend believed her. FML

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

Today, I told a customer that we don't do refunds. He responded by throwing his wallet at my face and accusing me of stealing it. FML

Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

Today, I caught myself yelling at the girl in the porn I was watching for looking at the camera every other second. FML

The Jack Nicholson look

Today, I accidentally shaved part of my eyebrow. It now looks like I'm trying to raise one without moving the other. FML

Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend to marry me, because it's a leap year. He is now avoiding me for fear that I was serious. FML

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML

Today, I started crying in class because of a sad part in the book I was reading. I got pulled out into the hallway and my male teacher asked, "Is it your special time?" FML

Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML

Today, I got myself an organ donor card, just to feel wanted. FML

Spineless

Today, my boyfriend was such a coward that instead of breaking up with me, he changed his phone number. FML

Today, I realized I've never had sex with someone who was sober at the time. FML

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

Today, my therapist clapped for me when I told her I'd made a friend. FML

Sucker

Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML