Mr Six Feet Under, In My Grave 35 years-old Single
Today, my wife asked me if she looked cute in a new dress that she bought earlier today. I told her that she almost looks like a supermodel. Appearantly "almost" doesn't cut it. Guess who's sleeping on the couch. FML
Today, a man came up to me asking for my name. Thinking he was trying to hit on me, I rudely gave him a fake name. He thanked me and walked away. I continued to watch him leaving until I saw him ask another woman for her name and took out a wallet and showed it to her. It was my lost wallet. FML
Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show, and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half-naked. FML
Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML
Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML
Today, I was at my Muay Thai class. We were doing a combination which consisted of a low kick, body kick and head kick. My partner had already done the low kick so I held the pads for the body kick. He kicked me straight in the jaw. I'm a teenage girl and he's a fully grown man. FML
Today, I was checking out a gorgeous woman in spandex with beautiful flowing long black hair on the treadmill at the gym. I spent a few minutes just watching her body move and ripple under the material. She turned off the treadmill and got off, only for me to find out that it was a guy. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML
Today, I discovered our AOL billing information. Turns out we've been paying for dial-up via automatic bill paying that we thought we cancelled in 2000. $1,800 later, we called to cancel. Customer service congratulated us on being loyal members for over 13 years. FML
Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML
Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML
Today, I thought my house was being broken into in the dead of night. Frightened, I dismounted a floor lamp as a makeshift weapon and crept through the house, channelling my inner Ellen Ripley. It turned out to be the wireless printer with a paper jam. FML
Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML
Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML
Today, at my wedding, my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as I was walking down the aisle, in front of hundreds of people. FML
Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight. Two trailer accidents, two construction zones, three detours, and one police escort later, the airline wouldn't let me on the plane. FML
Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML
Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house, just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML
Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML
Today, to keep my phone safe while I went on some rides, I took it out of my pocket so I could put it in my bag. Just as I pulled it out, a woman ran into me, knocking my phone to the ground and breaking the screen. FML
Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML
Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML
Today, I was in the car with my daughter when I narrowly missed hitting a car after running a stop sign. After she screamed at me and demanded to know what I was doing, I had to admit that I'd been daydreaming about David Bowie. FML
Today, I was playing an online game in nothing but my boxers, when suddenly a girl joined my team. I immediately felt embarrassed and put some pants on. There were no webcams involved. I need to get out more. FML
Today, while out at dinner with my boyfriend, I accidentally ripped out my tampon picking a wedgie. FML
Today, after a long, horrible day at work and some fighting with my family and my girlfriend, I decided to cheer myself up by going to McDonald's for a change. I burst into tears when the cashier told me they couldn't make me a Mars McFlurry because they'd run out of ingredients. FML
Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML
Today, I was using a public restroom. As I lowered my pants, a man's head and arms popped out over the divider. He took a picture and immediately rushed out. FML
Today, a customer pulled a knife on me after I informed him that we'd run out of avocados to put on his pizza. FML
Today, my online order arrived earlier than I expected. I opened it to find some kind of anal sex toy. Whoever this is for is going to be disappointed when they get my 3DS game. FML
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